Rebuild my confidence

It is horrid to feel like..but from the last few days I am wearing these negative thoughts incessantly. Now I am over possessed with the thoughts..like I have lived enough..there is nothing exciting left in my life..I want to end my all project and have no heart to begin new. I have no interest in buying new outfits or to go to the parties. No! It is not depression..this feeling is something new for me. Why this happening to me..please somebody tell me…

Getting back to the things I love engaged my passion again… When I’m passionate I care more, learn more,absorb more, notice more, experience more, am more..

Time to prepare. Tomorrow is today, another battle.

i add this one to the done pile. my confidence is back, i don’t feel beat down anymore, i am applying for jobs and feel good about my chances. so i lay this one to rest. with joy.

I was to meet some people,who were unknown to me,I was expected to be very polite with them(almost artificial).I was preparing for this meeting from the last three or four months,was constantly being told all about them.Finally when the D day arrived,I became much more cautious and biased.Discussion began in a very formal way (Starting with weather to current politics)when the real issues came in the same crude way I started feeling awfully suffocated and uncomfortable.I tried hard not to react but finally with a bang I retaliated in so badly manners that my friends were taken aback. I am shocked and little ashamed of myself. Why.. why on earth I could not keep my cools,I could have ignored their harsh,nasty comments.After practicing yoga and meditation I thought I have all control on emotions but this instance has smashed my image in my own eyes.I am SHOCKED.

found a place in me that allowed me to face some scary stuff today, some people that do not wish me well, and who have worked very hard to tear down my self-confidence. i told myself again and again, like a mantra: if i am myself i will be ok, because i am ok, i’m a good person, no matter what they say. and magically… i WAS ok! stood my ground. wasn’t intimidated. believed in myself. saw that their crap is just their problem and not mine.

someone said to me yesterday that just by being around them and being who i am that it’s like i am holding up a mirror to them and they see what they are and they don’t like what they see. and of course they want the mirror to go away. and so they try and get rid of me. this doesn’t mean that i should be different. i am me. they hold the power, so i will be gone. banished.

but as long as i remain me they have not won. the trick for me is remaining here, in me. i have been away a long time.

thank you kendra. thank you julie. thank you moses. thank you mel. thank you mike. thank you joanne. i love you all and owe you my life.

Sometime I feel that time is flying,i am also reaching to a stage where I can not explore new horizon,mind is also blocked due to past experiences,fear of falure stops me to start anything,I want to recharge me with anew energy and with the enthusiasm of youth.