be proud of myself

it looks like living in the past. but if it was only in the past, there would be no regret, right?

maybe it has something with fear of future and repeating the same mistakes again. but, isn’t it learned helplesness?

maybe it is about fear of not being small, but being powerfull beyond measure.

maybe this sharp point in my chest that hurts, is that long lost and forgotten, the very same “fixed point” that can be applied to move worlds!!
OMG!

11. i almost learned to row, i rowed in skif for 4km once all alone. it was shaky but i did it! after i work on my strength this winter i plan to return to water next spring.

12. i am proud that i have such a great man for a rowing coach!

13. i swum 1500m race in 43min. i was so embarassed to go there among all those swimmers but i did it! i know it is slow (cutout time is 40min) but for me it was big accomplishment. it was my gift to me for my 40th birthday! (i feel terribly sorry not being able to repeat it, let alone improve it, in years afterwards.) and i was my own coach, from not being able to do more than 10 strokes in a row, using TotalImmersion method. i plan to put swimming aside and swim once a week until spring and then to work on my swimming again.

14. i learned to bike at 16 – my dad didn’t let me to do so as a child. i persisted until i learned it!

15. i have my own monocycle and i hope to learn to use it someday. i think this is very practical vehicle since it is small and unlike bike it can be combined with public transportation.

16. i know a lot about training and nutrition, i could be a pro coach. i know what i want, and i know how to do it. now it is time to walk my talk and put all that knowledge into use and be my own couch and continue to transform my body!

17. i learned nordic walking and purchase sticks. i only need to use them!

18. i purchased new bike that is so light and nice to drive. i’m so glad my SO talked me into it. old bike was so heavy. i only need to pick it from service and start to use it.

so far i was ok with this list more or less, now i start to feel overwhelmed by good things i could do _{read= stupid for not doing them}. well, i choose not to and need to bear with it or change it, it is that simple. no whining! but honestly, i regret this so much. it is pain i can actually feel in my chest.

suppresing my own wishes is what good girls do. next time when i skip training i need to be sure i’ll not regret it.
so i see there is anther layer of shame, regret. basically it is the same thing. but shame is easier to let go, once revealed, it is obvious that it is totaly absurd, i can laugh it off. regret isn’t obvious. i understand that regret is absurd but that understanding is only in my head. absurdity of it only adds to pain. hmmm….

i suppresed all negative thinking and especially saying it or writing for years, i did! only to discover it is not what is positive thinking about. i have learned that negating the negative doesn’t make it positive. my entries from that time were nice and uplifting, but that was not the whole me. it was so limiting, i could’n write the whole truth.

now i am in the phase i want to see my shadow and embrace it. for me, daring to recognize and write about my shame is surprisingly empowering!
i was ashamed for so long, and on top of that i was denying it – not thinking, not saying, not writing about it. only positive. now i believe it is important to release the shame. to dump it here and expose to light.

so i recognize my true feelings for the first time, being the “positive thinking” queen for so long it is big surprise, liberating one! i am aware that my feelings are not me, but still i am surprised to see beneath all that positive thinking there is so much shame hidden. it is incredible, absurd! it is SO funny!!

now i know positive thinking is not avoiding the negative. it is something else i am yet to discover.

for now, i recognise my true feelings, i see now layer of shame, it is like layer or dust, that was invisible to me but visible in my behavior. now i can understand myself. i start from here and see what goes next.

I used to tell myself every day that I was proud of myself for all of my accomplishments. I have done a lot in my 28 years of life. However, lately I have felt worthless. I need to get myself back to where I was 2 years ago. To do this I need to set my goals and start achieving them. One day I will love me again.

life is such a mixcure of pride and shame. more important than being pride of myself is to stop suppressing whatever it is i’m ashamed about and bring it to light.

i’m starting this goal by listing the reasons why i am or could be proud of myself. or at least what i like about myself. let’s see if i can list 43 things.
1. i like being tall. i only need to get used to stand tall.
2. i am proud that i regained my waistline!
3. i like my eyes.
4. i have many interests. (this one is interesting, since i beleived it is wrong to have many interests, i considered it a flaw before.)
5. i strive to excelence. (this one is double blade sword, i need to watch out not to be perfectionist, due to that i slept half of my life.) need to balance this with art of relaxation.
6. i understand other people, i am good listener. (need to balance this and stop being swallowed by other people and stand up for myself on gentle manner.)
7. my formal education, (also the source of bad feeling). i absolved 3 areas of formal education, subfields of tehnical, art and a medicine, only thing is that i haven’t graduated other 2. i didn’t dare, yet!
8. well, i admit that i like my long legs.
9. i have sence for interior design. also the source of feeling very bad for last 5 years not being able to live that gift.
10. i can sing. i want to work on my voice more.

uhg, this was hard! every single thing i am proud of is intertwined with different variations of beating myself up!? i want to purify my virtues! they are God given i have no right to mud them.

not today

When I was achieving in school, I never felt proud of myself. Now, I don’t follow through on almost anything I want to do.

I am putting together my list so I can record my achievements and start feeling proud of myself.

I donated a small bag of clothing to one of those charity bins!

Why is it so hard for me to let go of all my old things?

I have to do it little by little or it’s even harder!

But still proud I did it anyway!

Thanks to a gentle push received here (thanks Crunchy) I took care of my car today. Rather than sleep late, I got up early and took it over to Firestone. I knew I needed rear tires but delayed it, thinking I’d be selling or trading the car in. Since the new car didn’t materialize, I need to take care of the car I still have.

I actually bought 4 new tires. Thankfully, it was Buy 3, Get 1 free. I also got what they called a “vacation package” (oil change plus they checked everything) at a discount and opened a Firestone credit card which took $30 off the total bill. A help because the bill was more than I’d planned.

It may not seem like it but this was big for me. I didn’t just put it on my to-do list. I didn’t avoid it until I was in desperate need and started to stress over it. And I didn’t wait to ask my dad what to do. I made a decision and just did it. Yeah me.

A year ago yesterday, I attended my first meeting for an organization which has become a priority in my life.

On 8/29/08, I’d hit the bottom of an emotional pit and I could not climb out. But beginning 8/30, a day at a time, I began to change. Call it a light at the end of the tunnel, an epiphany, an awakening -I am now more in tune with myself emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am not perfect and I accept that. What ever made me think I had to be? I’m still working thru that one.

I am not fixed because I was never broken. I’m me and I accept myself and my defects. I haven’t acknowledged ALL of my defects yet but I will eventually.

I accept others and their defects. What made me think I could change others? I can only change myself.

I get a lot of positive feedback from people in the organization about how well I’m doing. It’s wonderful to hear but it’s very easy to let it go to my head. I need to remind myself that a little humility goes a lot further than arrogance.

There are 3 things I can do better than anyone else: I can take care of myself better, treat myself better and love myself better than anyone. And I’m finally doing just that.

For this I am most proud. And g-d willing, I always will be.