I have friends, lots of them, but I am missing something; the urge to see any of them. There are times in my life where I have been super friendly and have all the friends in the world, and then I shed it all off like dead skin and start over. A few friends seem to fail to shed and stick around, but in the process, I will avoid contact with them for months upon months.
Currently, I have been in a “shed” process for nearly a year. I barely call anyone, see anyone, and for whatever reason I don’t feel like I miss them. My main conflict in this, I guess, is whether this is making me a bad person or not. I know it hurts the feelings of those friends of mine. Some of them are used to it now, after knowing me for years, but again, this current episode just isn’t ending.
Sometimes I wonder if this means I never considered them “true” friends to begin with, but I think they are. I just dion’t seem to feel any drive to see them. I’m missed holidays and birthdays. I have been told by my girlfriend that maybe they should try to call me, but that feels like I’d be blaming them. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault but my own.
This current episode began a few months after me and my girlfriend got together, so I wonder if for something my brain is now hardwired to her and her only. This also doesn’t make complete sense, because I’ve done this before with or without a girlfriend. I’ll come out of my shell, be social, go to coffee shops, house parties, whatever, and make many many friends and get closer to my really good friends. Then, after close to a year of that, I disappear. Livejournal is dead. Myspace is dead. The only way anyone can learn anything from me is by calling me, which rarely happens.
These diappearing acts are beginning to frustrate me, and I’m sure they do my friends to, but I don’t know, because I haven’t talked to them.
I do have some friends that I still see on occasion, but that’s because they are in Orlando, a hundred or two miles away. I see them during seasonal visits, or when they are back in town here. We all went to high school together, and college together for the year I was in college. Unavoidable circumstances removed me from college after a year, and subsequently, out of Orlando, and away from those friends. Those few in orlando, I still have the desire to be close to, but the ones I have locally, I just…
Maybe someone reading this has a similar problem or knows about it and can say something.
My goal is either to regain the desire to see all my friends again, or find out why I lost it at all.