Love my family and friends

progress on Ironman day from far away is really hard. It is completely empty support.

I wasn’t even up when he finished, as it was past 2:30 a.m. in my time zone. I just couldn’t do it. And it sucks because it means I missed the live video finish.

If this ever happens again, I’m finding a different way to deal with it. Either I’ll ensure I am there to watch in person (it was too hard to arrange after two trips in March), or I’ll have a better notification system set-up ahead of time with someone who IS there watching the race.

has called 4 times in the past hour.

To talk about her stuff. Not even important stuff (although I should assume it somehow is to her, I guess).

We talk at completely different levels. It just doesn’t work. I share nothing, and that’s fine. But I do get tired of listening to her stuff. I suppose it is her way of trying to connect, but it just doesn’t work.

I went on a tour while away with her and her sister. Hopefully in the future I’ll remember only to go if my dad is there, or only with him. He and I get along much better.

My mom is even worse at having fun than I am, so I just felt bad about having a good time.

What is it with mother/daughter relationships???!!!

I really don’t know how to love her in a way that works for her, or for me.

I hope I can learn how to comfort.

I care, and others know it when they are with me.
But I’d like to learn how to speak better. Non-verbally, I am right there… perhaps TOO there. And that can be felt and seen.

But, for example… what if I’m on the phone with someone? They can’t see my eyes, or feel my touch.

I’ve been thinking about this a fair bit, and it just hit home all the more, as my mom shared something, and started to cry. She stopped herself pretty quick… she is not one to show this side (maybe I’m starting to rub off on her…).

I know it is harder for me to learn as I was never comforted by her (who was never comforted by her own mom).

I’ll never be a model comforter/nurturer, but I’d like to do my best to stop the family cycle as best I can.

loving my friends!

I continue to be amazed at the richness of female friendships. And they just keep blossoming and deepening!

They mean all the more since I related more with male friends all through my school years. Easier to keep at the surface, and stay further away from the insecurities that way.

What I missed out on! But what I treasure all the more, now, because of that missed opportunity!

that I am taking charge.

I am completely changing the dynamic of the relationship with my parents.

I know they will be completely confused… but they’ll learn to adjust. :-)

I need the beauty that accompanies the rest of my life to find its way to my family too! “Open-heartedness only” from me from now on!

She’s as stubborn and determined as me (to make this work),

I guess I should call my mom tomorrow.

I haven’t heard from her since I sent my letter.

I’m scared, but also not. I have no idea what I will say or what we will talk about.

Or maybe she won’t want to talk. I think she will, but it will likely be very awkward. Or very emotional.

I wish there was a guide on how to ease into whatever this ‘newness’ is going to entail. How do you change 33 years of a relationship dynamic overnight?

You likely can’t, and don’t.
So where does that leave us?

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ~ Anais Nin

How could I, just a month ago, been so afraid of going home because of how much difficulty I was having in accepting my mom???

It seems like ages ago now.

I am so proud of her. She is having to stretch, because of how I challenge. I don’t mean to, but it happens… and she has actually thanked me in a most beautiful way…

Even my dad called yesterday. That has to be the hardest thing for him to do. I let him know it meant the world to me, and that I understand it isn’t easy, and that I will try harder to be the one who calls.

I don’t feel I deserve this. And in saying this, I hear the words of my friend echoing in my head again… the same ‘I don’t deserve it’ words she has said to me.

There is just so much beauty, but also pain, in true love.

I hope I can help keep my mom feeling loved, because I think she is seeing her family fall apart in ways she never imagined.

Sadly, I think this may just be the start of much more to come. I sure hope I’m wrong.

At times like this, I am sure glad for my insight. It allows me to prepare myself emotionally. It is easier for my mom to be blind-sided.