move on

I’m not sure what to do right now. I can feel things shifting. I’m letting go yet… there’ somthing weird happening that I can’t explain. And it’s ALL in my head. I know it is. Yet… I’m so unbelievably confused. I’m not making this simple on myself but I can’t do it the hard way. The hard way will just break me… and I don’t need to be broken again. I just want this to turn out okay. I’m going to come out this stronger. I am.

Today is better. Still hard. But better. I feel like I’m seeing things for more what they really are rather than just what I want them to be.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

I think I just killed every part of the shell I’ve been building up over the past week and a half. Seriously, just kill me now. I hate this. I fucking hate this. And you know what? It’ll only make me feel worse if you don’t talk to me tomorrow like nothing happened. So please, for the sake of my sanity, pretend like tonight didn’t just happen. And that’s the LAST time I’m acknowledging the fact that you might be reading this.

And a couple hours later… I just need to add this…

I’ve been trying to decide why this is so hard for me. I feel like a clear reason would help me, but that might just be wishful thinking. It’s so different than anything else. It’s not just a broken heart. It’s losing a life I was planning. A life I didn’t ever really tell anybody about because it was being kept under wraps while I was in Italy for the most part.

It was so… careless… to start dating someone just barely out of such a serious commitment. To say I love you before things really got started, even though I did mean it. To start planning a life with someone who was just giving up a different one. I can’t bring myself to regret it. If I did it all over again, would I be able to stop myself from going through with it? Probably not. I don’t think I’d want to.

And I know it was foolish. I thought I was old enough, mature enough, to handle it. I’d been so stable until that point. But is ANYONE capable of being in that kind of relationship and being fully secure and comfortable in their decisions? I doubt it. It’s not a matter of maturity at all really. We made plans based on his broken heart and my overwhelming want to be loved. That was not a good way to start.

It’s still SO painful though. Even knowing the basis those choices were made on. Knowing that I shouldn’t have agreed so quickly, so greedily, because if I wanted it to work I should have been more careful. We both should have been.

I knew, somewhere inside my head, it was too soon. Yet I wanted it more than anything. And I killed it, very painfullly and slowly because I knew exactly what I’m telling you now. It doesn’t mean I didn’t really want it though.

Andwhy am I writing this for ALL of facebook to see? I just want some resolve. Some comfort. Some… explanation to give the world as to why I feel so miserable despite having an understanding for what happened. I work out my feelngs through writing though. It makes the mess of thoughts in my head seem clearer. And slowly… they’re turning translucent, at the very least. However, I’m striving for transparency.

No regrets. But I’m ready to be done now.

And today… my interest level is low.

This is good. The first sign that I’m succeeding is caring less when we don’t talk much.

Yet there’s so much in my head.

You know what really blows though? When we ended things, three years ago… I thought our lifestyles were so different. Too different. And then, two and half years later, I found myself surprised by the man he’d become and the girl I had grown into, thinking to myself, “Wow. If only I had known back then that he would turn out this way… and that I would actually be less high-strung about things too.” We were both just kids the first time. And I was so self-centered, believing I had to have things a certain way… my way. But at least at the time, I knew I shouldn’t try to change him, so I let him go. Then, we had the opportunity to try again. And now I’ve really lost him. A guy who used to love me like crazy… a guy who turned out to be who I was looking for… and now he doesn’t want me… anymore.

That really blows. Karma is a bitch.

The best thing that could have happened to me is work. I’m so thankful to have a job right now. It’s exactly what I needed.

I’m sick too… cold/flu-like symptoms that are making me absolutely exhausted so I’ve been sleeping really hard. That’s even better considering the insomnia I’ve been suffering from. I was go to extra measures to make sure I was sleeping… such as taking Advil PM nearly every night to knock myself out. I normally don’t do that sort of thing.

Life is complicated, but at least I’m distracted. And making plans for the money I’m making. I’m going to straighten myself out a bit. Buy things I need, turn myself into a more put together adult, save the rest.

It’s good to plan things. To plan a future. To make goals. I need goals of my own. I need to make myself happy. On my own.

And on the plus side… there were some good looking guys at work tonight… Maybe something will happen. That would be even better for me. I’m not jumping into anything. At all. But… it’d be nice to get out once and awhile. And again… a distraction. A rebound boyfriend. I’ll be fine if I never have one, but… it might speed up the whole moving on process.

I miss him. Every day. But… as I’ve said before… I’m not crying anymore.

And he talks to me and my heart sighs in relief.

I want him in my life. Even though it’s wrong. I want him to be my best friend, the one I can count on. The one I can call in the middle of the night when I’m crying and upset and he’ll comfort me. I want to party with him, enjoy his presence. Celebrate when he’s happy. Make him laugh when he’s sad or bummed out. Talk to him about deep things I can’t talk to anybody else about.

But it is all that possible when my heart is still wishing for him?

He makes me happier. Just as a friend even.

How do I get away from all the other stuff?

Time.

I’m not crying about this anymore.

I’m not.

Stupid decisions. Angry music. Loneliness.

Why would I want to be with someone who didn’t want to be wth me?

He said he wants to be friends. Yet he doesn’t even seem interested in talking to me.

Make me stop caring.

I will not cry about this anymore.

I had my first day at work tonight. I checked out the other guys there, curious if any of them would make good rebound boyfriends. I’ve been joking about a rebound boyfriend with several people… but even tonight as I tried to take notice of the guys around me… I was just uninterested.

Another overwhelming feeling that bothered me even more was that I was so distractd for awhile with the newness of my job, that I forgot for a couple hours just how hurt I feel. When I remembered, it was as if my body was experiencing an earthquake inside. I had been slightly numb with the pain since it’s been there constantly for weeks, but feeling normal for just a few hours only to remember just how bad it felt… to remember suddenly that my world outside of these few normal hours was just a hurtful mess…. well… it felt like someone sucker punched me.

I know maybe I’m being a little over dramatic, but it’s all I feel these days. I’m tired of it. I’ve been trying to distract myself. I’ve been trying to just let myself be angry and hate him. And having just seen him this weekend…. having made mistakes, having made more memories… it just makes it easier to be angry. Work is good. It’s forcing me to concentrate on something else.

And I think, what’s helping me the most is partly believing that he really is different from who I thought he was. He was completely willing to fool around with me, to have sex with me, this weekend, but he’s not willing to be with me. I didn’t think that would bother me when I left. It’s now… after the fact… feeling very little self worth at the moment, that I’m angry that he would let me end up feeling this way. I mostly blame myself… but he should know better too. He should be a better person than that. I should be too. But the bigger thing is for me that I know, somewhere beyond this screwed up person I’ve become lately, I AM a better person than that. However, I’m seriously starting to wonder if he is. And do I really want someone like that in my life?

Amazing how much I don’t want this, but… I need this. Somehow.