Maintain a positive attitude

most contact with kiley is severed. it has made me a more positive person. i feel like the person i’ve always pictured myself as, the kind that i would only describe to myself, since i knew it wasn’t reality, but i could feel her in me. i don’t get down in the dumps anymore; well, i don’t know if i can say that, but i can say that i haven’t had any depressive mood swings for quite a while…

ever since i broke up with kiley a week ago, besides the moments of denial, i feel like a weight has been lifted. i woke up this morning, trimmed my hair, showered, sang, made some lunch, went to the art supply store, and went to school. it was a very good morning/afternoon. i walked into school, and i had a smile on my face and i saw a few of my friends and i chatted and had a good time. usually i’m very introverted at school, walking with my headphones on; i know i don’t project anything remotely approachable. i’m kind of sad that the semester is almost done… now i’m going to have to get creative this summer to meet people… :)

okay so 6 months ago, i wrote an entry basically saying “i’m waiting for my bf to grow up with me”. well, guess what. i’m still waiting. i’m not sure that i want to wait any longer. i have a great attitude toward life, but thats only because whenever i get in a bad mood, its because of kiley. and then i find myself thinking “well, he can’t dictate my feelings. fuck him, i’m going to do what i gotta do to have a good night.” and when i think that (which is basically every night that i go out with him) then i ignore him and avoid all sexual contact with him (even tho what i get is minimal, and what i do receive is way too over-the-top/why-are-you-baby-ing-me kind of way that i’m totally turned off anyways and don’t want to be around him)(and yet i find myself having a great time with other guys when he’s not around)(and i seriously gave thought to cheating on him tonight, which makes me seriously think about breaking up with him) he’s the only one that effects my mood so much. i ask him to be more attentive, but when he is, i don’t want it. i don’t know if its the baby voice he uses (and thinks is sexy, but is totally not, which i have tried to confront him on but he obviously doesn’t get it) or if its just because i’m not attracted to him anymore. but i can’t picture my life without him…. uhhhg.

I will be aware of my thoughts and turn negative thinking into positive thinking.

oh yeah, and even though i know that i have a great boyfriend, we are still trying to overcome the age difference between us. he is still content with living at home and hangin out with the same old people, while i’m ready to move on and grow up. i want to go to school and work and make money and move out and have my own life. hes not quite ready to be on his own yet. so that puts stress between us, and makes me sometimes not appreciate all the things that i love him for, all the reasons that i’m still with him, despite this barrier. i wish i could be more optimistic and all ‘its okay, it will all work out; i’ll just do what i need to do and wait for him to do the same’, but its hard! i get upset…

this is quite hard for me, and i’m not sure why. i have a good life, but for some reason, its hard for me to be happy most of the time. i have a good boyfriend, i live at home with my parents i.e. saving a bunch of money, plus they’re really cool about most things i do. i just feel like i’m missing out on something, i’m unsettled and unsatisfied with everything. i want to move out of the house so that i’m forced to be around new people, like in an apartment building, or with roommates, or like if i lived downtown in those houses, i would meet a lot of people. i want to do fun stuff on the weekends, not the same stupid stuff over and over. like sitting around waiting for something to be going on. which is something does actually go on, its pretty much the same places and the same people. i jsut want to expand. i want to meet people. i want to have new places to hang out. i want to do more things that i enjoy, like having some time to sit around a cafe, or walk around downtown, or have people over just to chill at my house (which wouldn’t be my parent’s house), i want to be able to smoke cigarettes on my porch and pot in my living room. i want to be less materialistic. i want to have more money to do fun things, like go to more shows, and buy art supplies. i also want to have time to actually use those art supplies…. thats definitely something i have to work on… i’ve lost touch with a lot of things that make me happy, and ive outgrown other things that used to make me happy (things that i still do and am terribly bored with). so i guess this entry could definitely be submitted under my goal of “becoming who i want to be” as well….

be more optimistic and less criticizing about things, be more appreciative about things people do & in general express more gratitude, give more than is expected, remember names, touch people, express interest in people, converse often & show interest, praise publicly but criticize privately, be empathetic, don’t judge people by their mistakes rather judge them by how they respond to their mistakes.

mmmm…

law of attraction, be postive all day. Keep your mind positive. Avoid all negative thinkings.

law of attractions, human positive transmission

You are what you experience.