be less crabby

Last week, while driving to school, I had a revelation.

I have been very unhappy for several years. Last year was particularly bad and I had some very low spots. I spiral down pretty badly. This past December, January, and February were also difficult for me for both schoolwork and some things related to my family. I also attended 4 funerals in 17 months: June 2004, February 2005, November 2005, and December 2005. I think that sort of gives a cast of gloom to my life during that time.

Anyway, last week, I realized that my depression has lifted. Nasty thoughts that were regular for me, I have not been having. I don’t feel yucky, emotionally, and hate how I feel.

Honestly, I do not know what snapped. But this month of March has been wonderful. My sister said she knew I was on an upswing when she noticed I had been losing weight. Her theory is that if you feel down, the energy and effort to lose weight (which is work) is not there and you cannot do it.

I think this will go a long way towards not being crabby. I do get irritated with my kids when they abuse a privelege I gave them, or are disrespectful of other people, and other people’s time and things. I get irritated with my husband when he exerts his usual poor communication skills and I get blamed for the issues that arise.

I am trying to be less defensive with people. This is inherent from being picked on constantly throughout elementary and high school. However, I have no reason to be defensive now.

This is a constant goal of mine. I know that there will be periods of time when I am more crabby due to high stress and less crabby due to low stress. But I think I will mark this off.

I feel like a fever has broken.

This goal mainly applies to my family. However, last night I was in a bad mood, and I did not even really realize it until I was being prickly with a friend during an online chat. The bad mood has carried over (mostly because today is a snow day and my father called at 7:30 am to ask if I was awake … no, I was not, but he woke my whole household up and no sleep after two kids and the dog are awake). I feel badly about being how I was last night and I don’t like how I feel today. My mother told me to get some sleep, but, again, with a 5 and 6 1/2 year old (who is being really bratty to the younger child), a nap is not in the cards.

OK, so even though I have a “lack of sleep” headache and my neck hurts as well, I’m going to suck it up, take some deep breaths, and resolve to do the things I need to do, get them done, and not be cranky at my children or friends for today (because today is the only day I can do right now).

My husband said he thinks I am less crabby and high strung now than when we met when I was in college. He said I was not bad at all when I was home with the kids, although I think I was.

I am working on it. I go through phases.

When I take one of my weekend days and set it aside for just fun and not homework, I find that I have a much better mood. It also helps me be more productive when I get back to work. This might help me be less crabby, too.

My husband seems to think that my being crabby has to do with a lack of working out. I think he might be on to something. But there’s more to it. I think it also has to do with the amount of time I am stuck inside writing papers, the amount of time I’m alone, and the food I eat. In order to test any of these hypotheses, I would need to change one of the variables. Summer is coming up, so I could probably spend more time outside. I could also try to go to the gym as much as I say I will. I’ll try those two things and see how they affect my mood…

I was raised in a house with a very cranky father. This is no excuse, but it is how I have learned to relate to other people. It is the role model I had for parenting.

I find I am overly cranky for no reason. I could blame being too tired, but even when I get enough sleep I am cranky.

My real goals are: to be a better Mother, to be a better Wife, and to be a better Friend. But, those seem to vague to put on the list. Besides, we are always growing in those capacities. They would never been checked off.

Escaping the stress of school work by taking a vacation to Whidbey Island helped me to be less crabby this weekend. The red wine and chocolate and other tantalizing treats probably didn’t hurt, either!

I’ve got to figure out how to decrease my crabbiness. This is the single biggest problem in my relationship with my husband right now. It turns both of us off.