purge myself of all the stupid, hurtful things that my mother has said and/or done to me

partly done, but i know i’ve made huge dents in healing the scars from my childhood. Will make an entry under long-term goals. Want to simplify my list.

Abby, I went through something similar at my graduation from grad school. With my mom it’s basically that’s she’s narcissistic, and could care less about me. She cared about my undergrad, only to get the picture of me in the graduation robes. (She didn’t get the picture in h.s.) She wants that in her wallet, once she got that, she couldn’t care less about what I went through to get my Masters.

I almost didn’t finish as well, due to having babies and a host of health problems. I’d hold back tears as friends asked when my family was going to be in town. “erm, no one’s coming” I’d have to respond, and quickly make a get away to avoid any more questions. One time I almost cried, was when a friend responded “after all you’d been through.”

Recently, while reading “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime”, it occurred to me for a fleeting second that maybe my mother was autistic. But, then I realized although she may be completely oblivious to others’ feelings, she’s acutely aware of her own. Yet, amazingly, for that fleeting second I felt this relief, that there was an organic reason why she couldn’t care about me… I felt a measure of forgiveness toward her, it was amazing, I felt so light. Well, that feeling dissipated, but then I realized that narcissism is really an organic disorder too, and well no matter what you call it, she really does have a problem. But still, it hurts.

I want to get back to that feeling of forgiveness, of letting go, of lightness. Even as I’ve slowly evolved through therapy, meditation, or literary therapy, I can’t let go of the hate, especially if I hear her voice. When I do feel it, that lightness, the realization that she is not a part of me, then anything she says can’t hurt me. But i’m only able to get to those places very sporadically, and for only a short time.

Gotta keep trying. Gotta connect that intellectual understanding of forgivrness (when it comes to my mom), to the heart knowing it.