stop twisting my hair

I have done this since I was a baby. I never sucked my thumb; it’s always been hair twirling. I do it constantly. I twirl, I twist, tie it in knots and sometimes pull the knots out. I do it when I am stressed, relaxed, bored, tired, you name it. I’ve tried wearing my hair up, wearing gloves, occupying the hands..but nothing works. In my thirties now and it’s worse than ever. My hair is nothing but split ends. I make up excuses to the rare hair dresser that I do see every ten years. It’s very annoying and depressing and I don’t know how to stop.

I was going through a stressful period of my life, and I guess I felt like I needed my hair twisting habit to soothe me. Now that things are calming down a bit, I’m ready to look for other more positive ways to soothe myself.

I allowed myself to indulge in hair twisting yesterday when I was at home alone yesterday and that felt fine. But when I was in the room my partner I stopped myself.

I think I am self-aware enough to make a choice not to twist when other people are around who I’d like to be fully present for. Hmm, what about being fully present with myself? If anyone wants to challenge me on this reasoning, they are welcome to do so.

I thought I’d try leaving my hair loose today. A bigger challenge, since it’s all laying across my shoulders, so near my hands, so visible… within 10 minutes I went to the restroom and put it back up in a ponytail.

I’m not ready for Advanced-Level Hair Undisturbing yet.

... with only one brief and quickly aborted attempt at hair twisting! (Yes, I can still try, even with the fancy hairdo.)

How professional I must have looked! How seriously everyone must have taken me! How validated they must have felt to really know I was listening!

I couldn’t possibly twist my hair without messing it up.

But I’m doing well today. There’s usually a moment between touching my hair and beginning to twist when I succeed in stopping myself.

Instead, I take a deep breath and say a little affirmation of love to myself.

I can stop whenever I want. Like today.

Today I am wearing rings that would probably get tangled in my hair if I reached my hands up there. And they give me something to fiddle with if my fingers get restless.

So far I haven’t really tried to stop. I have just been trying to notice when I’m doing it—and I do it constantly!

But I thought putting it down in writing might help me figure it out.

So I have these dreadlocks. For the last 9 months I have been twisting them every spare moment, whenever I have a free hand. While driving my car, having sex, eating dinner, no time is a bad time for hair twisting.

But now that I’ve had my dreads for 9 months now, I don’t think they need so much constant attention. Maybe they never did, who knows? You might say its not hurting anyone, so why not keep doing it if you like it, and it might be helping your hair? Well, sometimes I sense that people think I’m not listening, or are even irritated by my constant twitchy hair touching and tending. Also, it has begun to feel like an unconscious habit. I don’t think it looks professional at work, and I hate to imagine what my partner or our counsellor thinks when I do it during our counseling sessions. It’s starting to feel a little obsessive and distracting. Time to nip this in the bud!

So I think I will stop touching my hair, aside from actual grooming in front of a mirror. Thoughts, subscribers?