keep my head up

I’ve got an odd comfortable feeling about myself. I really don’t judge with the same stick anymore. I’m less worried about other people and I accept my quirks kindly. I can really tell people are not as happy as they lead people to believe most of the time. True happiness dwells in a freedom of being yourself. Since I’m unusual and unique there are no standards,no religion,no shame, unless I want to make them. It’s a creative world in my eyes so, there are things to make, appreciate, and admire. In that way, I can see how lucky I am. Fortunate and wealthy in ways that are not so easily measured.

I’m not living in luxury but I have managed to get by some nitty gritty times. I’m happy to be alive and not dead by my own sabotage. People were praying for me because there have been those small miracles that I can not ever deny. Even though I feel strong right now, I feel comfortable being so vulnerable because there is Love in everything.

I’m not doing so well. My children are the only light in my life, and if it weren’t for them. I don’t know what I’d do, but raising them alone is so, so, hard. I’m working full time and can not afford to live. Depression has set in, and I’m in a cloud on confusion. If I get any worse, I’ll turn on myself and I don’t know what will happen.

I’m struggling and it gets so hard to believe that things might get better. I don’t seem to have good luck. I work so hard, I really do. I really wish I could muster up the self-esteem to appreciate it all myself, not really care if anyone else appreciates me. Days like this, that’s aiming really high.

I don’t know if I want someone to come rescue me. Maybe some Spirit to watch over me, help me out a bit. I’m a pretty woman, trim, and very healthy so I have a lot to be grateful for. I’m talented, artistic, and I’m reasonably intelligent. I’m trying to put a better perpective on my life. Pure at heart Monks in Tibet are being harrassed and abused, they deserve to be appreciated or at least respected. Children are being born with HIV and they want to live a full life, get married have children yet they may never have that life. Beautiful people are sick with addiction, dying slowing by their own hands.

Am I conditioned to believe that I’m supposed to live the life like “Leave it to Beaver”? If that’s the case, I never had a chance.That’s unrealistic. Two alcoholic parents, foster homes, and intense emotional, mental,sexual and physical abuse. I’ve been on my own for a long time and I live on only my income without a penny for child support. I no longer speak with my mother and many other family members. I have to keep my head up. It’s gonna be alright.I’m building character. I just keep pushing myself and beg myself to never give up. I got to shake this mental image of a life I’m supposed to have, what I have been told is succesful. I don’t have a husband, I have no savings, no retirement plan, I have nothing the American Dream is made of. That’s O.K..Right?