Always indulge my creative obsessions

_{This was written on Sept. 24th… My babies are no longer sick, thank goodness… but it all still feels the same. Everything is still the same. Goddess… I need a change, a shock, some life injected into my soul, body… mind.}

Everything seems so dry; my thoughts, emotions, brittle. I long for the feeling of fresh wetness, of getting messy, of diving in and drinking deep. I haven’t been myself lately, haven’t been allowed. My babies (God, I love them) suck everything out of me. I do not regret having children, but they have sucked me dry. I need to bathe in paint or poetry. Add some color. I’m sick with the lack of it. I had the only freedom I knew taken away from me. About a month ago I crashed our car, dead. I’m fine, besides a scar on my left arm and some bad flashbacks, nightmares. But, man, I miss that car. I miss freedom. Next car (if we can afford one) I will name “Freedom”, and love it just a little less then the babies. Paint a rainbow or something on it. I am lucky I’m on meds, because if I wasn’t, I would need them, desperately.

Sam and June have been sick too… and the only thing that they can keep down is breast milk. I don’t mind. I love that I can give them that. But man, we had come to the point where we had cut breastfeeding down to one/maybe two times a day and the past three days it’s been ALL day, and THEY ARE TWINS. No wonder I feel so dry, I have nothing left in me.

What doesn’t kill you? Huh….

Me and Joshua are doing alright. I really hit the jackpot when I married him. Life sucks, I swore today… and those of you who really know me know that I don’t do that unless there is much suckyness. But, I have him, and we talk, and we have honestly, and I can cry, and he understands.

Let’s pray for rain. Let’s hope it comes soon… I wish to open my soul to it. Drink it in. I’m not doing too well.

I’m going to drown in some music…

Sometimes I need to swallow sunshine like water or candy as I lie in it like my cat. Sometimes I need to drown in loud music. Sometimes I’m nothing but music. Sometimes I need to drive too fast. Sometimes my mouth is quiet while my soul is every loud. Sometimes I am sexy. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I ride laughter like a faerie on the wing. Sometimes I remember. Sometimes life screams at/through me. Sometimes who I am scares me more than anything outside of me. Sometimes I like the dark. Sometimes I drink color. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I need to run wild thought the woods. Sometimes you can’t talk to me. Sometimes I want to do nothing but talk. Sometimes someone understands. Sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes it is all too much. Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes I think I’ll burst through my skin and be nothing but light. Sometimes I am that stranger on the street. Sometimes I find myself through ink and paper. Sometimes I wear poetry like jeans. Sometimes I’m nothing but passion. Sometimes, (all the time) I feel just too much. Sometimes I am a tree, tall and strong. Sometimes I’m the wind or the weather, changing. Sometimes I take too much. Sometimes I have to fight my demons. Sometimes I let them win. Sometimes, (all the time) I am scared. Sometimes I think if I scream hard or long enough everything will go away and be ok. Sometimes I glow. Sometimes I’m nowhere. Sometimes you can find me if you look hard enough. Sometimes is sometimes not enough.

Sometimes... we.

Sometimes... I

Sometimes... you.

Time is my worst enemy on this. I love art, I breath it and live it. When I have an idea I like to just do it, Start it right away and let leave my mind. But usually when i get these idea’s, i’m at work! Can you imagine me bringing an easel, and all of my art supplies to an office! Ha! Yeah so I just sketch them down, sit them aside and keep working, then when I get home, the magic can happen. But I don’t think I could ever deny myself painting, it’s what makes me…., well, me!

For my birthday, my parents bought me an enlarger and we are transforming my laundry room into a darkroom. I am sooo excited. I went and spent close to a hundred dollars on photography supplies: paper, chemicals, film and the like. YAY!

So many ideas, lots of resources… I should just make Saturdays a compulsory “day of joy” like an art day or an art morning… gotta put it on my calendar… remind me to put it on my calendar

Set number two, for a different friend

Here is the first set of 31. Wait, it looks like there are 33 there. I guess I can eliminate my 2 least favorites.

These are about the size of those mini sticky notes.

Seeing this goal is a good reminder for me this week. Because my obsession is small, and has felt a little silly to me. Like I must be wierd to be obsessed with something so small. If I was obsessed with painting the Sistine Chapel that would be one thing—but this?

Last Friday I got myself an envelope template, and I have been obsessed with cutting up old magazines and making recycled envelopes. I feel driven, compelled. Every piece of paper looks like an envelope to me. Every page of every magazine. I can’t wait to start cutting and folding. I have completed about 30 envelopes in the last few days, and I have at least that many in various stages of completion laying around the house. I’m not sure what I will do with them when I’m done. (Maybe send letters to 43t pals?)

So I guess I am indulging the obsession, in keeping with this goal. Now I will start doing it with pride!

I just got an email that there is going to be an ice maze at the Winter Carnival this year! I signed up to volunteer. Maybe I can help build it.

and with the other person who just commented. there are so many thoughts and ideas that come to you and sometimes just slip away through the depths of your mind. i have a huge problem with that, with getting my thoughts down and when i do,trying to convey what it is i was thinking. ::sigh:: my best of luck to you though, and sometimes it really helps if you carry around a tiny little notebook with you. cheers =)