1. new neighbour move in octobr. their foolish dogs kept barking days and night. the main reason i choose to try harder because of its serenity. now, it’s broken.
2. recently, a cockcroach keeps invading from outside the window. i couldn’t sleep in peace. had harden my heart to kill. c/croach no doubt the most die hard creature on earth. maybe i didn’t crash it enough, the following the exact the same time, it appeared. not sure the same one or another one. it never happened before as i always keep the room window open. 1 week ago
I thought i’ll be fine after slept away the awful feeling. nope.
i woke up with a quite heaty body. yes, the fire, from inside out. then, things (plan & triggered pasts. not quite a good ones) flew into my mind. i was just debating whether should i acknowledge the old lay owner, lest they( she & maid) stabbed back like last time again. then, i saw this notice…...
I should be grateful because my prayer is (considered) answered. Just, in a painful, undignified way.
I’ve kept hesitating, procrastinating and overstaying since last year.
Here comes double shoots!!
Final. not optional.
I wish these are signs, not curses.
I’ve been sitting idly with empty blank eyes for few hours, being hauled a bit even though I tried not to get affected but be happy for it. yes, i have fear. things get unpleasant intense until i suddenly had a strange reluctant feeling to return `home’. I felt like it suddenly became a landmines and I’ll be explored anytime if I’m careless.
28/11/2013 (thur) 2am 1 week ago
Just have an unpleasant interaction with the housemate who started getting use to empty water pail (which i just filled up)for her laundry.first time, i silent, refill again, maybe she forgot. this time, i’m not gonna put up with her every time. i knocked and questioned. she gave an easy excuse that i entered b4 she was about to came in to do that. ok then, i left, quiet. but she still didn’t do it. so, i knocked again. she was offended (instead me of her behaviour) . i told her the reason why I brought up b’coz it’s not the first time I do her the job.(she `may’ trying to take advantage or just yes, she is) and, she responded in offensive way.
it’s 1a.m now while i am typing till here. 30 min passed. petty matter seemed to be, u r either swallow it silent or u take any consequences of butterfly effect of your reaction or response .
feeling shitty… i tried to tell myself: don’t get affected, but i can’t help to feel belittled and unrespected which is my problem- my physical problem maybe, or my temperament problem maybe (that people tend to take u seriously and intrusive in situations).
i’m ready for a drowzy pill for the sake of sleep as tomorrow i want to get up 8am for library.
27/11/2013 1 week ago
i mean, the sign submerges.
The houselord finally suggested to raise my room rent with the reason of electric bills, and asked me to find another better place. it’s the best room i’ve got so far and also the final one.i won’t look for another room again this city.
- i’ve `overstayed’ for 4 months, in which, supposingly to move back Penang in July. but i kept procastinating, giving myself reasons to hang in here, have a good rest, and not to rush and put myself in a difficult situation again.
- last year, 2012, moved for almost 5 times.
- this year, 2013, despite 2 major conflict and 2-3 minor dramas( could be major if i wanted), i managed to stayed in this room for 1 year, although i lived with fear, fearing to offend the old woman houselord, although i lived inferiorly, i still have a peaceful private place to rest.
- the houselord’s order came 2 week ago, after a secret report of the maid who is not in good terms with me. i was stressed and happy at the same time. finally, a force submerged to push me off
( i can’t make decision).
- at the same time, for the first time of my life,I started to feel scared of unknown. i haven’t get response from my job application yet, nor am financially fit enough to rent the whole unit. 2 weeks ago
bought a ticket to get way in a `paradise’ before i start a new life. this place has been one of my dream place, the name itself is romantic enough. it’s called Shangrila. used to read that a western soldier who was stranded there by accident wrote a book about this place and said that it’s one of the purest place in the world.
i’m escaping there. yes, Shangrila, i’m coming to you. once a decision is made, the feeling of relief is so incredible.and, `looking-forward’ follows. confusing, hesitating, struggling for months an finally, got an ideal final date to walk away. 6 months ago
The blue shirt staff is one of mascot in this city. I came here to see him whenever things doesn’t seem to be nice. But, I started getting a rather reserved, distant, cold response recently, eventhough he is full of grace. I guess i’am the one to be blamed. I just don’t fit in here. it’s a sign to tell me off. 8 months ago
then walk away from life. 8 months ago
this neighbourhood soon…feel bit heavy to heavy to leave coz it’s very convinient for me. I walk to every facilitites i used just in 5 min. i miss its greenery, serenity…
unfortunately it only lasts for 2 months here… sucks hye?!...
8, sept 2012 8 months ago
Some kind of `friends’ were warm & good until she gets a guy. in a private world, she is much more proactive & friendly to opposite sex than to same-gender friend eventhough she tries her best to look & behave like a good nice prude. VH has been not so passionate to keep in touch with me like before she get this relationship under my motivation. she is `busy’, i know. but not busy with her guy, of course. she reminds me of Li, my cousin who grew up together with me since we were 2-3 y.o in grandmum’s house. i didn’t believe my dearest cousin in front of me when she said something not true bout me to defense her guy by covering up all by herself what he did something infidel to her. what could i say? a dearest cousin sister who grew together 20 years change because of a guy she knew in few months? anyway, i disconnected with her after she got married & seemed try to be distant with my confidence. it’s alright. it’ over. after so many years, here come another girl friend who seemed to appreciate me so much for advice. after she got what she want, now she tells she would asked my bf, eventhough she told me she doesn’t want to depend on men financially to sound independent… in a nut shell, i can smell what’s it about, but just this kind of her smell is getting obvious when i’m no longer needed. :) this is very common girls, especially this kind of girly girl, who doesn’t know what principle is… i should be more easy-going & dont expect too much on interpersonal thing, but i have to admit i do feel a slice of cut inside. I’ve to prepare. prepare to see what i expect. expect that she is getting smarter towards me, she is shunning away with sweet smile & nice words, & come knocking my door only when she needs. I have been direct. this is very stupid. i need to figure our a proper way to deal with this unreliable world.
I’m too micro to be parabled by Jesus. But there really are too many Peter in this world. I wish i won’t be one when tested.
Humans… 8 months ago
Achieving success is knowing when to do what.
—Yiddish Folk Saying 8 months ago
范蠡的人生，总在大取舍中显现出与众不同的智慧，一生历经了三度“千金散尽还复来”。范蠡的人生，总在大取舍中显现出与众不同的智慧，一生历经了三度“千金散尽还复来”。 12 months ago
There comes a time in your life where you can’t point the finger at anyone else. I just got out of a shitty relationship that used to be awesome and then dwindled to awful. I point the finger at myself because I was pushy, needy, argumentativeness was going on. Granted he pushed me away. He said the relationship was a burden. He kept me on break for 6 months. I walking away from this and I keep telling myself that I should have walked away sooner. I should never had agreed to go on break or let this dude jerk me around like he did. But I do this with a lot of things then my life and then it gets messy and horrible. I just need to learn to walk away and know early on when it is really over. Yet I stick around and then it gets worse. Then I get hurt. Then I explode. I do not like angry me. Angry me is wicked and mean. It’s not a person I want to be anymore so I am going to learn how to walk away early on instead of sticking around and getting treated like crap. 13 months ago
morning – Jessica not in. black idiot knocking on my car window asking me to shift my car to let him park in . i was there just few minute. but i was lazy to argue. maybe i was weak. but i was bugged n annoyed.
- Thivah cancel last minute
- at esso Bangsar, the BSC bitch was there too. i hid. didn’t want any conflict of revenge even i should. did i coward?
- the coffee shop bossy woman again. i didn’t want to order drink, then asked again whether i ate there. i was very tired to entertain foolishness again… i asked her if i didnt order anything, why did i sitting there for?
then i got an info she was the boss. then, i got her evil eyes n rubbish talk to the vendor.
- the old shit at the reception shouted at me. “get loss! i dont wanna see u, go away, i dont wanna talk w u. so what? i work here! i dont want to serve u! go n complain to the boss!” it happened again. really cannot continue to b here…
i was prompted to get my account balance back from the HTMS 18 & BCFLD bitches.but tomorrow gonna go aitport at night.it was too late to go n back. when i’m back, will b 3 am+++.
and i should be more wiser – maybe i should get more preparation, n something to poke….
- Jesica didnt call depite my message. i saw her there inside tonight. but not even a missed call from her.
- maybe i really should walk away. but i haven’t get things done, haven’t get even….i dont go!
- today cant be more ill, if someone still tell me no such thing call luck.
- now i’m disturbed, interrupted, can’t concentrate… 13 months ago
this is the third time i’m been ….u know. this time this person treat ed me in a harsh way. she is 67 y.o….lots of complication that im lazy to explain here, i mean, there is actually nothing, but people wanna makes a big issue… yeah, i’m depress. i dont rent a room to tell people i have depression… i need a shelter to rest… to recharge…it always before i have time to recharge….
maybe this is the sign that this is not the right place for me…???
but where should i go??? 15 months ago
I am actively working on this and getting better at it. 2 years ago