Be uncompromisingly true to myself

Earlier this year, I spent a period of several months attempting to establish a genuine and meaningful friendship with one of my neighbors in the apartment complex where I live. He initiated hanging out originally and appeared to have the best of intentions at first. Sadly, as the weeks slipped by, he began to take advantage of my kindness instead of properly appreciating and reciprocating it. The relationship became very one-sided in terms of emotional give-and-take. A very obvious undercurrent of blatant disrespect eventually permeated every interaction and finally spilled over into the days and weeks during which we weren’t even in contact.

I allowed the nonsense to continue unchecked for far too long. I stressed over it often. I shed some tears. It wasn’t until the dude got evicted and declared he was moving away to another country that I snapped out of my daze and decided to get real with myself. I never actually confronted him regarding the mountain of bullsh*t to which I’d belatedly taken offense, but I did ignore his text messages after that, effectively canceling any and all plans to spend time together in the weeks preceding his departure.

What doesn’t sit well with me in this case is the fact that I didn’t speak up for myself when I desperately needed to do so. I couldn’t end the relationship when it became toxic and started to drain me emotionally on a regular basis. How do I know it’s over because I said so, and not because he just happened to move away forever? I don’t. I never will. And he’ll never be called out for acting like a horrid dick to me. Excellent.

I mustn’t let “friendship” scenarios like this one take hold in the future. And if some a-hole should happen to slip craftily under my radar, I need to find the strength and self-respect within me to amputate that infected limb, cauterize my wound and move on, head held high. Settling for anything less than what I feel I deserve in a friend is not being uncompromisingly true to myself.

I haven’t spoken with S since our brief dinner meeting prior to her leaving town a while ago, which went swimmingly. As far as I’m aware, she hasn’t made any attempt to contact me since then. I’ll admit that I haven’t exactly tried to get in touch with her either, but considering the circumstances, I think it is more than appropriate for her to be the one reaching out to me. I’m starting to wonder whether S actually cared about my hurt feelings when we talked, or if she just wanted to tie up loose ends and smooth things over as quickly and painlessly as possible before her vacation ended (she was acting as though it would be her last trip to the state and talking like we probably wouldn’t see each other again – ever the drama queen, even in offering up a simple apology).

It’s early yet and the situation is difficult to read. Unfortunately, it seems all too likely that S is set in her ways and unwilling or unable to adapt as necessary. (My feelings are of little consequence to her everyday life. She just can’t be bothered to genuinely give a rat’s ass, I suppose.) Perhaps her apology came too easily and was not rooted in true sincerity, as I had hoped. I’ll try to keep an open mind and give her the benefit of the doubt, but if the very same cruel and inexplicable and exceedingly irritating behaviors are unaltered and indefinitely ongoing, my emotional blockade will not come down, and S will likely never play an active role in my life again. I simply will not allow myself to be treated poorly, even by family – there can be no compromise on that. Srsly.

I think I’m going to focus on some other aspects of being “uncompromisingly true to myself” for a while. Dealing with toxic relationships effectively is important, but there’s much more to this goal than that alone. I’m pretty burnt out on thinking and talking about this stupid feud situation right now anyway. As nothing of note has changed thus far and the ball is currently out of my court, it’s still just a source of pain and confusion and bitter frustration. I’m kinda stuck in an uncomfortable limbo, waiting to see what occurs in terms of relationship development over the next few months. In the meantime, I’ll channel my efforts and energies elsewhere! :)

I finally had a direct conversation with the person mentioned in my last entry on this same topic. To my surprise, she actually ended up apologizing more than once for her past behavior, and with noticeable sincerity. I think, in talking to me, she was able to fully realize the extent of the damage done, and to understand that my hurt and upset was genuine; my motive in severing contact was simply to spare myself any further emotional pain. I didn’t want anything other than to be treated well, which is entirely reasonable. (Some other members of the family are always complaining about wanting money, or just starting fights to feed on the drama and confrontation, so I don’t exactly blame her for being a little skeptical at first.) I’m relieved to know she gets it now, and I’m feeling optimistic in regard to our future relations. Today’s conversation was a definite step in the right direction for us. We’ve made plans to meet up and visit before she leaves town on Tuesday. Here’s hoping everything goes well! =)

At the moment, I happen to be embroiled in a rather ridiculous – but nonetheless serious and emotionally taxing – feud with a particularly cherished member of my family. As always, this person is point-blank refusing to acknowledge or even consider the possibility that she may have done something wrong – in recent memory or ever before. In her own mind, she is simply not capable of wrongdoing; she’s perfect. Because I dare have the audacity to be upset with something her royal highness has said or done (which is more than justifiable in this case, believe me), I am automatically incorrect. Not only that, but I’m a terrible a-hole and a wretched, ungrateful piece of crap. It’s been more than a year since we’ve spoken (entirely my doing), and in that time, she hasn’t once bothered to put herself in my shoes. She hasn’t once stopped to ask herself, “Hmm. What could motivate someone who loves me dearly to cut off all contact for an extended period of time like that?” Instead, I am just wrong on principle.

Well, I’m not going to “let it go” or “be the bigger person” for the umpteenth time. That’s not how a healthy relationship works, and it’s certainly not me being true to myself. As far back as I can remember, this individual has been backing me into an uncomfortable corner. If I want to be on good terms with her, I am expected to tolerate her constant abuses and criticisms; conform to her ideas of what is right and true in this world; wordlessly accept blatant, inexplicable rudeness and cruelty; hide my sexuality because it is an unforgivable abomination in the eyes of her god; keep any advice or insights to myself, as I’m young and “don’t know anything”; never refer to my mental illness as though it’s a real, valid thing ‘cause that’s just an “excuse” for not being normal, and my chemical imbalance could somehow be easily remedied by taking “extra vitamins”; cheerfully act as though she is always right, especially if my feelings have been hurt or it seems as though she’s making a mistake, because as far as she is concerned, all that’s utterly impossible; the list goes on and on. I’m tired of bending over backwards to maintain an unhealthy relationship that exists only on somebody else’s terms.

I had a great date with a guy from ChristianMingle.com. We have a lot in common and we laugh a lot. I realized that I wasn’t quite sure how broken up with his last girlfriend he was. He had joined the dating website and asked me out, but then when I searched him on myspace, his myspace looked like he was in a relationship but hers didn’t. I called him out on that in an email and he put that he was “getting through the end of a relationship.” Then he changed the setting on his myspace. But other than that he’s talked like he was single. On our date he talked of her as if they were well broken up. But the wording of that e-mail of his stuck with me and I decided to be true to myself. I decided that I can’t be too careful and so even though it was challenging to be so forward and serious as to question him on it, I did. I wrote an e-mail with some specific questions. We have another date coming up and I want to make sure that I am not in any way part of something stupid. I hope that they officially broke up a couple months ago, like it seems, because I really liked him. But if their relationship is in the final stages NOW, then forget that!! Homey don’t play that!

I’m REALLY really proud of myself for going raw.

I’ve decided to move to somewhere near Seattle and pursue meditation, raw food, yoga, theater, and God. My heart told me to move back home after 5 years in Austin, back to see my nephew grow and to be there for my mom.

I am doing this by following though with some new lifestyle changes. I am going raw (food, and will be learning yoga, walking regularly, getting out more and being more into homeopathic type things and meditation.

I really did feel upset about a call I got this morning from someone I haven’t spoken to in 7 years.

Honestly, I think I have some very negative feelings about the late
teens- early 20s time in my life. There were a lot of really empty
times. With boyfriends and female friends alike, I put so much of
myself into being there for people who were severely depressed,
suicidal, had substance abuse problems, issues with physical/sexual
abuse, etc. Practically everyone I knew at that time fit the bill. I neglected myself in favor of people who could never appreciate me or reciprocate.

(Not to say that I’m angry with them in particular. I’m really not.
None of them were “bad people.”) I guess I’ve just changed so much
for the better that I resent being dragged back into that place and
the person I was at that time. This is the second contact I’ve gotten from someone in the past couple days saying their life was miserable and how I was so wonderful and how they messed up and on and on. I’ve moved on from that chapter and I’d like the respect of being left alone. I’m not sure why I’m being contacted, though I suppose it’s probably not for my sake. I’ve grown up a lot and I’m not hanging around to pick up the pieces for people who don’t care about their own lives.

I think I had a real fascination with people who were very troubled,
partly because in some way I felt I could relate to feeling pain.
(Maybe in some ways I still do have that fascination—-though now from far away). More than I realized then, almost the entirety of friends that I made between the ages of 18-23 were in an awful place. I hung out with a lot of people who felt that no one was there for them, and that they had nothing. I thought that I could do my part by being everyone’s lifeline. I feel a little foolish and more than a little used. There were a lot of periods of darkness and depression for me at that time too and I’m sorry I never believed then that I could live the kind of life I am living now (though clearly everything is still a work in progress).

All this is to say that you have nothing to worry about. There are no positive feelings, no feelings of longing for men in my past. Other than G (who was not a part of this), I will not welcome any contact with exes (or former friends from this time). They have no right or claim to me now.

I did this again this week when I was facing a challenge with a friend flaking out on my birthday party.

I asked several people for their advice, which is a trait of mine. I sought advice on the best way to understand my friend and after consulting three people, I found my answer.