Here’s a recap of issues we’ve discussed, argued, come to compromise on, and things we’ve realized about ourselves and each other:
-Joe feels like I make all the decisions without asking him anything. I feel like Joe doesn’t make decisions fast enough, so I go on without him. I want a solution, now. Joe wants to research and find the best answer possible. We compromise by me including Joe in the decision making process, but also giving him a reasonable time limit. I’ve had to learn that I often don’t need to solve something this instant. It can wait a little bit.
I felt like Joe was making huge messes everywhere and expecting me to clean them up. I don’t mind doing normal housework—and I gladly take up most of the chores, after all he works full time and I do not. But I felt like his mom picking up his toys at the end of each day. Joe agreed to pick up his own dirty clothes, and any big messes he caused by himself before he goes to bed each night. We decided to do dishes together on the weekends, that way no one gets stuck with it when we’d rather be having fun. (we really need to get a dishwasher.) We set a schedule for Joe to take out the trash as well.
-I personally have learned to give Joe time to do….well just about anything. He is more laid back and slower moving than I am, but it doesn’t mean he is ignoring something. It has taught me to be patient and stress less about things. I’m also learning to bite my tongue when I want to nag Joe about soemthing I know he already is planning to do. His phone/daytimer has been perfect for this. i tell him once what i need done, he picks a day to do it, and the daytimer becomes the one that does the nagging. Perfect.
-When Joe does mess up, I have a bad habit of making it worse by telling him all the ways it affected me and screwed up my schedule or plans. He knows he messed up. I’m learning to hold my tongue, be more forgiving and understanding.
We’ve learned to give each other space. I love to cuddle. But I hate to share my space WHILE i’m sleeping. Sometimes I’ll cuddle while sleeping, but if Joe starts LAYING on me-I shove him away. I don’t mean to—its just what I do in my sleep. I also cannot stand to be touched, hugged, etc while I’m eating. I like my space. Joe needs space when he walks in the door from work at the end of the day. We say hello, then I start dinner while he showers and changes. We hug, kiss, and talk about our day after that. Joe also needs space when he first wakes up. He is not a morning bird..
-We’ve both learned not to talk about anything stressful or responsible at bedtime. If we do, we’ll end up arguing because we’re tired and grumpy, and then it will go unsolved and we’ll feel awful the next day.
-We DO NOT discuss finances at any time EXCEPT our monthly budget meeting. This keeps things from blowing up randomly all the time. We take note of issues, thoughts, problems, etc. and then discuss them calmly (for the most part) at the budget meeting. This really works for us. We dedicate the whole evening after dinner to it and really hear each other out. Then we usually reward ourselves with ice cream…..if we can afford it. hehe. :)
I’ve learned to stop controlling what Joe buys. Horrible Awful Me!! I struggled with this. I had to realize-its his money—all the bills are paid, everythings taken care of, he can spend some fun money every once in a while. We each have a set amount now that we can spend. And we usually think what the other person is buying is a huge waste. But that’s okay. That’s why we separate our spending money. :)
-Joe needs a huge parade and showers of rewards everytime he takes the garbage out, rinses a plate off, fixes something, etc. I usually am resentful at giving praise because by the time he’s done something, its way overdue (in my book). I’m working on appreciating him more.
-Joe loves to be spontaneous. I secretly love to be spontaneous, but I must have a plan for security. A back up plan, if you will. That way, if nothing else, we can fall back on it. Joe likes to wait until the last minute and then do soemthing totally random that usually scares the life out of me. So we’re starting small. I told him to be spontaneous by eating cheescake for dinner or throwing our movie plans out the window and playing board games instead, etc. Something where I feel safe, inside our home. Then we’ll build up to doing crazy things out in the real world.
