get closure

I’m happy that I did it and got it out of my system.

Moving on….

By that I mean – I actually got a receptive response from my friend and we are on speaking terms again. It’s still sketchy, and not as close as we once were, but we both agreed that at the time, we both needed a friend and then things just fizzled as it does when life happens along the way. I feel much better about the whole situation and I have to say I have definitely found closure. End of story, now I can move on with my life, lol.

I don’t think I need to do this anymore. It’ll be a good thing if it happens one day, but I am not expecting anything.

After all of my looking for the past 10 years – HE found ME! I am very happy and I honestly hope that we can be buddies or that we will at least go out a couple of times and I can get the closure I want…

I don’t know. Ten years ago I started just wanting closure – wanting to know why he just dropped me like a sack of bricks after all the fun and joy we shared. Now that we are talking… I want to have more fun and joy. :) But who knows if you can ever get back even some little piece of your past.

Well, the long and short of it is that she responded to me with pictures of her new house and pictures of the wedding she attended in Charleston. Nothing else. No comments, words – NOTHING. I don’t get it. She writes me, asking me questions about how I’m doing, inviting me to write back – and then nothing. This is frustrating me to the point where I don’t even want to be bothered with it anymore. This would be on the same level as someone sitting in front of you and asking you questions and then the second you start to answer, the person is totally ignoring you. If you don’t want to know what I’m doing and how I am, why did you flippin’ ask? I’m going to sum it up in one word – bipolar.

Before that I felt like I was underwater. Just very busy and really no contact with the world outside of work. I did go down to WPB to go to the spa and visit some family last Wednesday. Reelika was asking about you.

How are you doing these days? Still at the same job? Anything new going on?

I was good friends (or at least I thought so) with – we’ll just call her “S”. We met a work and we commuted together, ate lunch together, exercised occasionally together, you know – we did things all the time – like friends do. She moved about an hour away for a new job and suddenly, it was inconvenient for her to be friends, I suppose. She talked to me less and less..I think I saw here a total of twice one year. Then she moved even farther away for a better job and I haven’t heard from her since. Oh, I get a card now and again, or if I get an e-mail, It’s never personal – usually a joke or a response or general information and I’m on a sender’s list of a thousand people. I think I just really need closure. She’s just cut me out of her life altogether and I’m at a loss as to why. I want to reconnect with her and find out what happened, but at the same time I don’t think she was being a very goof friend to me. I mean, doesn’t a real friend ask about your kids or your parents or want to know what’s going on in your life? Remember birthdays? Share their personal dreams and goals with you? She had this public forum for all her pictures from Germany, Kuwait, and Dubai and then suddenly it’s not public anymore. Even though she wouldn’t talk to me, I liked to stop by the website once in a while to check up on her and see what new and interesting things she is up to. Now, I can’t even do that. I’m being systematically eliminated from everything. I think I’m just going to have to do it the old fashioned way. An actual, hand-written letter. I sent an e-mail to her just saying “hey, what’s new?”. I must have had my cursor over the “send” button for a good five minutes debating whether or not it was a fruitless effort to try and communicate. I sent it, but I know in my heart I should not expect a response. This really hurts no matter what because I really love her (in the friend kind of way). I am debating writing the letter… I think it’s a waste of my time. On the other hand, whether or not she responds isn’t the case, I think she needs to know that she hurt me and I need to get it off my chest. I think I can get closure with that.

Okay – I need closure. I’ve had a very lot of “people” in my life but very few friends – and those that were friends I tended to stab in the back and/or ignore to the point they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I’ve been told this was because of my bipolar disorder and the desire to sabotage myself in my youth (and to some extent that still goes on today but I am slowly fixing myself).

There is one person though that I really need to either speak to or just in some way get in contact with, Michael Abell. What sucks however is that he is probably thinking “she was psycho then and she’s psycho now” and it doesn’t help that I have gotten a background check which came up with a phone number, but I just can’t bring myself to call and speak to him.

Oh well, maybe someday I will get the closure I seek, maybe not. Time will tell.