not let negative influences bring me down.

i have been working on this. when i hang out with my “friend who i used to date, but now we are just friends with benefits” i find myself becoming frustrated very easily. with the little things. in the momment i think i have two options A)i could walk away, just take a breath and leave. it is probably a silly thing anyway. i should let it go- right? be the bigger person. or B) play the pout card, fold my arms. do the silent treatment. short answers and a grumpy face. (this is not the bigger person card, but it almost always gets me a kiss)

isnt it impossible to deal with being human? you fight yourself. Negative vs. positive. The right thing(the harder thing) vs. the wrong thing(the pleasureable thing).

you think that since i figured out what makes me negative ex: procrastination. i would avoid it. work to improve it. but i dont. i still blow off Homework to hang out with the preiviously mentioned.

if i had super powers. i would make it where instead of haveing to choose between avoiding the negative, or just living in it. i would have the negative automatically change, and fade away. some people have that power- i just havent figured out which way to twitch my nose.

The past two days i have seen two movies. Shorts cuts and Jarhead. And i realized that i am attracted to seeing dark, depressing, hidden messages about life types of movies- and then i feel really shity afterwards. After Jarhead- i wanted to run and punch everthing. so many thoughts ran through my head. WHy kill, why WANT to kill? Why fight, why hate. WHo is an ememy, what makes them so? So many ironic questions. i hated what i saw in the movie- because it brought me right into the emotional pull and strugle of the charectures. A GOOD MOVIE- should have said more, i think i was trying to say things but was affraid.
ANd tonight i was watching Short Cuts a long movie about different paths in life that are all connected. But everything is fake in the movie- cheating, lying, dying. WHY why watch it. cause it’s ‘artsy’? cause the cast is amazing? to mask or insight my inner feelings.
Negative, sad, scary- hitting to close to home movies.. these are just recent examples of things that have brought me down. Negative influences that directly influence my state of mind and being.