: 5 years ago

& its those carefree days of mystery. & cluelessness. & making up everything. & imagining. & being whoever you wanted to be. & having friends, just because they were in your class. & not knowing anything about boys, and not wanting to know anything about boys, because they were gross. & knowing babies came from storks. & not understanding why your older sister dated a boy. & laughing & gagging when people told you “you’ll like boys when you’re older”. & dreading getting older. & planning your whole life. & carrying a baby doll around & wishing she was real. & feeling grown up by just carrying her around & “feeding” her. & being proud of your parents. & knowing they were the best people in the world. & they were your world. & wearing the huge bow & dress that your mom picked out. & not even realizing how silly you looked. & a pinkie promise ensured trust. & when you didn’t know who god was, but went to church anyways.& its when you learned the world is spinning around you constantly. & not feeling it. & wondering why that was. & its the first time you rode a rollercoaster. & its when you learned that some people died, but you didn’t realize that everyone died eventually.

& its your first crush. & the butterflies. & your first boyfriend. & your first time big test. & the first time you realized you were your own responsibility. & its the first time you noticed everyone was changing. & its when you realized who you wanted to be. & who you didnt want to be. & when you realized who everyone truly was. & who your REAL friends were.& its the day that you started your period. & you finally felt like a grown-up, or a teenager. & you were scared. embarrassed. proud. you were a mess. & its your mom talking to you about your “body changes” & you being humiliated. & its the first sex ed class you took. & sitting there, shocked. & not knowing how much your world would eventually revolve around sex & these body parts you were learning about. & its the embarrasement you had the first time you said “penis”. & its about being confused & not really understanding that sex wasn’t just between a husband and wife. & not understand where babies really came from. & only wanting to hold a boys hand. but you didnt. but you wanted to. but you were too scared. & its the times where you spent hours rehearsing for a school presentation. & you were terrified to present in front of the class. & its the first time someone close to you died. & you understood that you would one day too, and that terrified you

& its your first boyfriend. & the notes that ask you out and the directions say to “check yes or no”. & you check yes. & flashing smiles to him from across the room. & telling everyone he was your “boyfriend”. & not caring when your parents laughed & said “yall are going out? well, where are you going”. because truth is, we werent going anywhere. & you were happy about that, because you were much too nervous to go on a date. & its the first time a boy calls you. & your dad answers. & says “ITS A BOY!!!”. & you getting grilled with questions about who he is. & its about you being humilated that your parents realized you were interested in dating. & its your dad telling you, you can’t date until you’re thirty. & you thinking he really meant it. & its those calls where you sat there & said nothing. & you would ask how their day was. & that was all we needed. & the phone calls were awkward & short. & you loved each conversation. & you began to feel like a grown up. & its the first time you touched him. & held his hand. & the rest of the day you felt like your hand was burning. & you could remember. & you replayed it in your head over & over. & you begin to think about kissing. but worrying. & man did you worry. & you’d worry about if you’d be good or not. & exactly how you were supposed to do it. & making out, was out of the question. & you didn’t really know what making out meant exactly anyways. & the first time you cared about what you wore. & you had to have a certain brand of clothes. & swearing you’d never go to school unless you got a jacket that said the name brand on it. & its about crying so hard because you didn’t get it. & it was about you caring so much about your apperance.

& its the first time you got dumped. & it was only after a few days. & it was when it didnt matter. where you had shared nothing. & its the first time in your life that you felt horrible. & it was unlike anything you’d ever experienced. & its the way he said “we’re breaking up”. & how humilated you felt. & it wasn’t really even about the fact the relationship was over, but the fact that everyone knew who had ended it. & its the fear of facing your class the next day. & begging your parents to let you stay home. & swearing they are the worst parents in the world for making you go. & its the first time that you felt like you were still on that rollercoaster that you had ridden so many years before.

& its your first boy girl party. & praying that you’d play spin the bottle, & praying that you wouldn’t play. because you wanted to kiss him, but you were scared. & you wanted it to land on him. & its your hand shaking as you spin the bottle. & crossing your fingers behind your back. & everyone being humilated when the kid’s parents walked in. & you being dissapointed that you never got your turn. & its your first kiss. where everything melted away. & you weren’t ready, really. but you wanted to feel grown up. & so you kissed him. & you trembling before it happened. & being terrified. & hoping your mint was working. & wondering what you were supposed to do with your hands. & its about opening your eyes for a second to catch a glimpse. & being humilated & relieved at the same time when you realize he’s looking at you too. & your friend breaking a promise to you. & being mad at her for a day. & forgiving her, and not remembering what the fight was about. & your parents letting you go to the mall for the first time. & you feeling so grown up. & its the first time you want to wear makeup. & your mom saying “you’re too young”. & its wearing glitter & eyeshadow & lipgloss, even if you DID look ridiculous wearing it. & its looking in the mirror & hating what you saw. & its about your parents talking to your teacher about your grade on your project, because you were too scared. & its the first time you even noticed boobs. & realized yours were teeny. & its the first time you shoved cotton in them. & realized you looked ridiculous. & its praying that no one would notice. & it was about sitting at the kid table at family gatherings, and wondering what was going on at the adult table. & wanting to sit there so bad. because you felt grown up. & you let your mind wonder about the amazing conversation they must be having.

& its your first dance. & not really knowing how to dance. & the awkward hands on shoulder & swaying back & forth. & its the standing on the dance floor, just looking at eachother. & its maybe doing the chacha slide, if you were brave.& its your first date. & your parents constantly reminding you of it. & you being humilated when they mention it to your date. & your dad telling you to “hit him if he kisses you”. & you laughing. & hoping that he really does kiss you. & its your parents taking you to meet him, because neither of you can drive yet. & its the first time you are in a movie with a boy. & the first time you weren’t really watching it because you were so nervous. & you were too focused on his arm around you. & its the first time you make out in a movie theatre. & its the first time a boy paid for your ticket. & the first time you held hands in public, for everyone to see. & its the first time your phone calls turn into real conversations. & its the first time friendships have really come to an end. & its the first time you swear you hate your parents. & you stomp around & swear you are moving out the day you turn eighteen. & its the first time you fail a test. & the first time you say a cuss word. & the first time you dissapoint your parents. & the first time you were called beautiful. & the first time you believed it. & yelling PENIS because it was funny. & feeling completely comfortable with who you were. & its the first time you really prayed to god. & i mean prayed. & the first time you trusted god with everything you had. & its about winging your class presentation, even if it counts for half of your grade. & its the first time you sat at the adult table during family gatherings. & realizing it wasn’t that great afterall.

& its the first time you understand what they were talking about in sex ed class. & you cuss every other word. & you’re not sure where that habit kicked in. & its when you first meet people who really do drink and smoke and do drugs. but they arent your friends. & its the first time you & a boy do more than make out. & you’re terrified. because you don’t want to seem like a skank. & you’re scared because you don’t want anyone to find out. & him telling people what happened. & you wanting to die. & its the first time you really feel like dying.

& its the day you realize you’re the person you swore you’d never be. & you realize all your friends drink,smoke,and do drugs. & you see nothing wrong with it. & you realize you dont have the same friends you used to. & you realize everything you do now will affect who you will be. & its the first time a boy breaks your heart. & its the first time you fall in love. & its the first time you ever felt like someone was more important to you than yourself. & its dancing around because it was fun. & realizing the baby you wanted so badly as a child would be a nightmare. & you’re scared. & its not caring about what people think about you. & its about just having fun. & its when you want the world to stop time. & its when you’re scared to grow up. & its when you want days to end so badly, because they are so horrible. & its getting 6 hours of sleep. & studying for a test until 2 in the morning. & its your first boy & girl sleepover. & its your first time you look in the mirror & like what you see. & its about not knowing what will come. & realizing the world is nothing like how you saw it before. & wanting nothing more than to stop. & you’re terrified. & terrified in a new way. & realizing your parents can’t fix everything you do. & you hate it. & its the first time nothing really seems in place. & there’s so much uncertainty in your life. & you’re changing constantly. & its the first time you feel like you can’t gain control. & its the first time you feel like you’re spinning, instead of the world.

& its about growing up 6 years ago

I have grown up. I have to be responsible to achieve my goals so that means growing up. I do try to be a kid whenever childish urges come to surface but this one is hard to do because society isn’t exactly excepting of impulsivity. For example at my boyfriends friends party these kids were jumping up grabbing the balloons and I wanted to do that instead of engaging in boring conversation, but I couldn’t because the other people would’ve thought I was a bit odd. this ones too hard, but it’s good trying to keep in mind that life isn’t meant to be serious. 6 years ago

Impossible. 6 years ago

It seems like people are in too much of a hurry to grow up. Its so awkward. 7 years ago