stop thinking about suicide

It was almost anti-climactic, how easy it was to get an appointment. Since I’m a social worker, I finally went with someone I know of, but since he’s exclusively in private practice while I work in the public sector I don’t see a conflict coming up.

After years of not believing in setting goals, I’ve finally put them down. I’m using Sparkpeople for my weight (and general health) and am trying to use my Quicken software to get a grip on my finances, but I just can’t seem to gain any ground. My feeling is that I need someone who can help me feel accountable, who can put my feet to fire, and help me be consistant and do what I know I need to do but just can’t seem to find the motivation to do.

If I’d known how freaking hard it was to find a therapist, I’d have started looking years ago. But now the thoughts are too scary to distract and I’m afraid they’re starting to turn into actions, so I’ve just spent an hour cross referencing my insurance provider’s list with what I’ve found on the internet. Think I’ve found someone I can both afford and who’ll actually be a decent therapist.

I love everyone in my life but sometimes I just feel like crap, like im not important in life. My everyday goal is to be important but i find it hard to achieve. My family loves me very, very much. I believe in God and the whole “if you do it you go to hell” concept. Thats why i don’t want to. But life can be so hard… I smoke weed daily and the only time i feel good is when im high, I dislike the whole drug idea but i found myself recently considering stronger drugs (which im glad i changed my mind not to do). I want to stop. can someone please help me?

I’ll keep trying…

I MADE IT…!!!!

It’s just so unhealthy… I am under so much pressure and stress; I’m scared I won’t have any success and that alone is terrifying enough to make me contemplate suicide. And fantasize. Ahhhhhh!!

thats where those thoughts are now.
ahaha.
I am free of wanting to kill myself. woo hoo.
the beach helps.

I don’t know what to do about me.

Any step that isn’t forward is a step back. I feel like going backwards for a while.

I wish I could trust my friends. My friend just told me she made out with my ex.I have only dated two guys and both made out with one of my friends. That sucks.

I wish my sister didn’t have to go through so much pain. I can see the old her sliping away and someone new emerging, someone I don’t like that much. I want to help her.

For years I’ve been having nightmares. Whoever I loved most at the time would die terrible deaths in my minds eyes. This hapened when I was awake and asleep. It ws hard to have fun.

I know this will be worth it. Life is so beautiful. But at times I can’t seem to see past the doom and gloom. I’m envious of those who are so happy. But then I think maybe they’re unhappy, maybe they’re all alone, with no one to understand them or what they feel. I want to erase the thoughts that plague me. So I too, can be happy. Its hard, to resist hurting yourself, to not drug yourself, to not hurt others, to forgive food for adding one more problem in your life, to not live your life as a lie. But it’s all worth it.