put my son first

suddenly a pokemon/yugioh master, he’s got me shopping on ebay for cards. and the one he wants the most is the yugioh card samsara, which he calls Sam-eyed-Sarah and claims “can summon any fusion card.” it’s surreal to be shopping for my son for samsara on ebay. the card says: Monster Cards tributed for a ritual summon are returned to the owner’s deck instead of being sent to the graveyard. Then shuffle the deck.

i asked him: what’s your favorite color?

he said velvet.

officious mommy that i am, i said velvet is not a color.

he said ok, my favorite color is black velvet or blood red velvet.

he takes after me! but not the officious part.

he woke me up in the middle of the night, getting into bed next to me. he said: mom, face me. so i turned over and he said: mom, you know i was making that robot with the mouse ball at school? and i was trying to hot glue stuff to it but it was too smooth and it wouldn’t work and so i started crying, and then everyone tried to help me but it still didn’t work and so i cried even more, but then i remembered that you like everything i make, and so i stopped crying.

all i’ve ever wanted in this life is to be seen and accepted, to feel safe and trust that that sense of safety will be there the next moment, and the next. i have never felt that, except in little bursts. i am deeply grateful that i have brought that to my son and that even through my insaneness, my neuroses, my messed-up-ness that my vast and limitless love for him still comes through, making him feel safe and secure.

feeling kinda despondent this morning, under the covers with a few tears, the little sweetie went into the kitchen and made me a piece of toast with a mountain of peanut butter on it. this is the first time he has done anything like that – shown empathy or care. very sweet. i am raising a loving good boy.

he started a circus class today… i watched him tumble and fly on the trapeze, balance a 6 foot long feather on his hand, and balance on top of a giant ball. how fun! i am obviously still loving it here and all this place has to offer my little family.

he went first for his hug.

amma is an inspiration.

he is so sad about our move. but brave… so brave. am i doing this for him or for me or for both of us? i believe this is what’s best for us, that we will both be happier there and more comfortable. but he is so sad, and so angry at me. he wants to start school tomorrow at his same old school, he wants to play after school with his friends. he loves the safety he feels here. he feels at home here.

i wonder if i am just a selfish bitch of a mom, ruining his life. i hope not. i mean for this to be good for both of us. in any case it is imperative for me. but here, on the brink of it – i am doubting myself, afraid i am hurting my baby.

a bit of background. this little boy of mine – his dad only sees him maybe twice a year. he hasn’t called him since june. is it any wonder that i try and try and try to give him all i can? i am forever making up for this huge hole his dad has created in his life.

i thought we would move in october or something, take our time, find the right place, then eventually go. but then i thought how hard it would be if my little son had to start a new school, be the new kid, after school had already started. so – against all odds – and crazily, i sublet a little furnished cottage in berkeley for an exorbitant price for the month of september, all the while paying rent at the home i live in now, and we are moving in a week! we will be there for the first day of school sept. 7.

this will be a hard move for him, i want ot make it as easy as possible for him. so i found him a nice hippie school where the kids don’t have to wear shoes and there are no desks or grades or homework and where there are trees for him to climb. i think it is the right place, a place where he’ll feel at home.

he’s scared. so am i. a new adventure for he and i together.

baby. you are first in my mind in making this big decision.