control my emotions

a bit today. I guess I do most days. I think that’s ok. The children were sleeping. I was able to talk myself out of getting carried away. I just had a little cry…then I snuggled one of the babies when she woke up. It helped.

I am slowly getting there. As I’m coming off a lot of prescription medication, my emotions are all over the place, but i am managing to hold my own at work, and I am getting back into a routine at home. I see my boyfriend regularly, and I am not being ruled by my emotions.

Hopefully I’ll be filled with faith and hope, and it’ll take its toll on my life in a good way. I want to be more calm and composed. I hope that by reading the Bible and by prayer, I can slowly become a more placated person.

I’ve joined the gym, and I know I can be dedicated to a good routine. If I can manage to get a good body and control the way I react to people, then I know I can be happier and more sorted out.

I’m going to be a sorted individual with a great physique and good skin, and a positive mental attitude. I might not have a job at the moment, but I know God will provide the way when it’s right, and not a moment before then.

I’m getting better at living calmer. My emotions aren’t getting the best of me as much as they have been. I read an inspiring book yesterday about ‘supercoaching’ and it basically laid out ten tips for success. While I didn’t think everyone of them were applicable to me, there were parts of it that I’ve taken away with me, and I feel like I got something out of it.

I’ve decided not to complain for a month, or talk about my prescription medication to my sister or mother. Instead, I’m going to focus on the positives in my life, and I’m going to trim the negatives as much as I can.

There was a friend of mine that wanted me to do drugs with him, but I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, and that I have a boyfriend who I love, and he doesn’t want me near that sort of thing.

It was hard getting rid of him, because I genuinely like him, but I think it’s for the best. I’m enhancing my circle of influence.

I did cry a little yesterday, and I did question the meaning of life, but the beauty about not complaining for a month is that I go back to day one if I complain at all, so I’ve had to start again.

I want to wear a mask so people don’t know if I am hurt or not. I want to be safe from people that wish me harm. I want to preserve the love I have for people who deserve it. I want to be free of outer control, and I want to be in the driving seat of my own life.

This move back to London is the start of a whole new life, and I am finding it hard soemtimes, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

I’ll get a job, and I’ll be succesful. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If it were, people every where would be amazing, accomplished people.

I got up yesterday morning and had a shower, and today I managed to get up before my partner and put some washing on. I feel like I’m actually living properly now. All of this is good stuff to take with me to England; day to day life experience.

I’ll probably have another shower this morning. My acne is starting to come back.

I had strange dreams last night. Strange dreams.

I turned on the air con to my spare room and I’ve been doing my own thing today. I’ve almost got everything together for England. This is my second or third attempt at moving back to the UK.

Everytime I’ve gone back, I’ve always become afraid of what would happen, should I have to look after myself. I’ve been in Thailand for three years now and I haven’t worked a proper job. I have stuff on my CV, but it’s painfully crappy.

I just can’t seem to find a job in the UK when I go back, but I’m going to give it a longer time this time, and I’m going to be stronger.

I’m still off the prozac. I might go back on it, but I’ll try not to if I can. I want my doctor in England to give me the modern Schizophrenia medication, but I still want to be on Ritalin.

If I can afford to stay in England and manage to save money, then I’ll be very happy. If I can stay and be happy, I’ll be happy as larry.

I’ve been crying all morning.

I’m going to try and be natural with my emotions. I am finding it hard to make love being on so much medication. Before I was on such much I was much more virile.

I’m also going to have to stop taking the pill, because it’s giving me boobs and I’m losing my sex drive with that as well. If I didn’t have a boyfriend I’d not care, but i do, so I am going to have to come off it all.

It’s a shame because when I go to England, I want to have nice skin. I have lovely skin because i’ve been on the pill.

I dont think Prozac did that much for me anyway.

I’ve done what shes asked me to do, but I haven’t gone beyond the call of duty and done more than I could have. I am going to work on fixing that now.

My sister has been really mean to me lately and I have had enough of the way she’s been treating me. I’m thinking of going back home and I don’t want to speak with her or socialise wit her. She’s a bully to me and I don’t like being talked to or treated like dirt for no reason other than I’ve not fitted her vision of what I should be like.

She’s apologised and we’ve both made tearful outburst of love and devotion, but how can I love her when she won’t even turn her head towards me when I ask her how I look. She’s been out and out nasty.

i forgive her because it’s not for me to judge someone,but I own, I do’t like her like I used to. She’s really upset me.

I wish I’d not even given her the satistaction to show i cared, but I wanted to know why she had such a bee in her bonnet. From now on, I”m just going to be cool with her. That’s where I’ll control my emotions from now on.