write babbling entries about anything or share unknown facts about myself when I can't sleep at night

a day in the life….

your basic summary of a days’ events:

• wake up on futon at about 7:30am, take meds (late), change clothes & crawl into “real” bed

• wake up again @ 12:30pm, brew coffee, turn on NPR, feed kitties & change out their water dishes

• sort piled up items into bags for Freestore & Goodwill, determined to take them down TODAY

• sit down at computer to balance checkbook, check emails, distribute accumulated cheers on 43T :)

• attempt organization of closet i tore apart searching for my old riding helmet yesterday

• refill coffee cup, briefly ponder eating something with it

• decide this would be a good time to wash at Least a half dozen glasses piled around the sink (since i’m still without a dishwasher)

• make phone calls: schedule haircut appt, let temp agency know i’m available for work again, find out closing time for some places i need to run errands to…

• still not start cleaning out litterbox

• still not head out to Grocery store, tho i’m out of coffee for a.m., still juggling limited funds & how to cover all all $$ needs for next several days

3:00 PM: turn off NPR & on Dr Phil,,,listen to show while searching the want ads and on Monster.Com

• 4:00PM: turn off TV & turn on music, decide i’m finally hungry for first time of the day, fix bowl of canned salmon with tomato-basil dressing, canned german potato salad, grilled cheese burger and sauteed onions

• take daily mid-day nap due to maxxing into fatigue, reading some of my books till drifting off

• sleep thru 6-7 harassing phone calls from creditors

• wake again at 6:15PM, watch part of NewsHour, then ABC nightly news

• arrange a box of “needs to be Purged” papers in front of me while i watch TV

• get up @ 8PM, doing various things around apartment, putting things away (like laundry), cleaning up kitchen, carrying out some trash, checking on mail, continue-organizing closet while half-watching movie “Mona Lisa Smile” on network TV, play catch, fetch & chase with kitties

• continue avoiding starting on cleaning out litterbox

• decide that the movie “Mona Lisa Smile”, tho a cliched cloying premise, actually has some good performances from Maggie Gyllenhall, Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles

• 11:00PM: decide i’ll run out to grocery store right after watching “the Daily Soup”

• see that Lewis Black (my fav comedian!) is being profiled on Nightline, put off going to grocery store

• 12:00AM: decide i’m really going to go to the grocery store right after this re-run of “Sex in the City” & intro monologue of Chelsey Lately

• sometime after 12:23AM: sleepily decide from couch that i can always run to grocery store first thing in the A.M.

• sometime after 12:50AM: doze off on couch during the last part of Chelsey Lately

• ‘wake around 6:15AM on couch with the two puds perched on either side of me, take meds & make the lateral move to my “real” bed…

• get up around 10:30am, after late night at riding lesson, then shopping at WalMart till 1:30 am

• search for and assemble all necess. papers for traffic court appearance at 1pm, as well as pack a full bookbag for long days wait….

• find parking quickly (no small feat downtown), get to courtroom super-early (the lights havent even been turned on yet). take seat at end of row, sit cooling off in the AC

• deputys, clerks and several other court officials walk in at 12:30pm, arranging dockets and defendants files, and quietly talking and joking amoung themselves

• notice a young guy in shirt and tie, no judges’ robe, lingering behind the judge’s chair; wonder if he’s a law clerk dreaming of being a judge someday, half-expect him to sit down in the chair & jokingly put his feet up on desk

• he does sit down in chair, and begins asking if any of the people already gathered in courtroom if theyre wanting a continuance or traffic school program; decide to myself he’s a judge’s assistant, expediting caseload

• various “defendants” come up to front, get renewed court dates or instructions for traffic school…

to be cont…

“Depressions are transition times for me,” an older fellow stated. “I look at my lows as a preparation period, an inner time to grow and change even though I’m not consciously aware of what’s going on inside me. But I didn’t always think this way.

“I used to get terrified when I got into one of those low periods. Every time I did, I questioned everything I ever believed in. I doubted myself and my abilities, my opinions and values, my friends and my boss. Nothing escaped my painful questioning. I thought for sure I was going insane. The pain was so unbearable I wanted to drink, work harder, anything, to distract me from my anguish.

“Now when I get low, I take it more in stride. I think of my depression as part of a natural cycle. Just as nature has its fall, winter, and spring, I, too, have a period of shedding old growth for new growth. I just endure my grey days knowing the sun will shine again just as the trees will bloom after winter. As part of the natural world around me, I, too, have my seasons of joy and sorrow.”

Today I will remember that my lows are as natural as my highs. I will not become overwhelmed and exaggerate the significance of my depressions. I will endure patiently, knowing that whatever faces me will pass in time.

• * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

...seems like it was synchronisiticity for me to come across this passage today; i’ve hit a path of depression for past few days, and (of course) hate it. I’m not getting anything done (& i’v tons to do)....just want to sleep, and occasionally eat

but the part of about to enter into a deep change caught my eye,,,,someone who got to me in a deep way (a rare occurance) 9 yrs ago has suddenly re-entered my life. Its shook me up already, as he shook me up profoundly then. Maybe thats what my depression is about: not knowing how deal with the deep changes about to come…

Anyone wanna go to Hell today??

I mean, it IS Lucifer’s birthday, and its the least we can do…

Besides, theyre handing out cool souvineers with 6-6-06 on them

;D

I’m doing this right now!

I have to get up early and sing a solo!

Must… stop… revealing… embarrassing facts…

still tired from a long day yesterday

still tired from running around taking care of others needs

still tired from an overwhelmed life

still tired and saddened that my mother may be dying…

still tired that i cant find a magic wand to change it

still tired from arguing with my family over “whats best”

still tired of the bills piling up, and no job in sight

still tired of paying $ to eHarmony for matches that dont match

still tired of feeling so alone in this life

still tired of missing my last boyfriend from over a year ago

still tired of the clock ticking, and chances slipping by

still tired taking loving care of my friends’ little girl yesterday

still tired from the fun of showing her ponies and kitties and puppies

still tired and content from so much laughing and talking and questions

still tired and smiling from the hugs and the tickles and giggles

still tired by learning the right tone for all the mommy words: “stay by me, now” “lets wash your hands before we eat” “finish up your carrots before you can have dessert”

still tired and grinning from watching her excitedly running around the special animal toy shop i took her to, and that theres not enough money in my wallet to buy it all for her

still tired from driving her home late, wishing the day wouldnt end

still tired, after her bath and clean PJ’s and heading off to bed, that that last hug & kiss is never long enough

still tired that she’s not mine….

jolts from my past

jolts of espresso

jolts of daydreaming, anticipating, building castles in the brain

jolts of waiting, primping, distracting self

jolts of actuality, face to face, banter to banter

jolts of words: crafting, critiquing, revising, commenting, laughing over

jolts of memory, why it was this, or wasnt that

jolts of whats familar and what is new, jolts of time passed and no time at all

jolts of pleasant “gonna run” and “see ya later” ‘ers

jolt of how a fraqment of old music still remains…

i’m nervous tonight because i’m going to meet up with someone i havent really seen or talked with for 8-9 yrs

i’m nervous because, altho we’re meeting for other agenda’ed reasons, i had a very strong feelings for him 15 yrs ago

i’m nervous because altho there was lots of flirtatousness (ms?), it never went any where back then

i’m nervous because i found out he & his wife of 10 yrs got divorced about a year ago…

i’m nervous because i have NO clue of how he views me these days

i’m nevous because i’m so nervous,,,,just the thought of seeing him again has shaken in ways i didnt expect after all these years

i’m nervous because i have no idea what will happen tonight…

_{be still my beating heart….!!}

lovely…

This has nothing to do with revealing things about myself (unless you count revealing that I’ve had a hideously horrid day due to an abrupt baptism into the unseemly and callow world of local politics), but here you go… something to cheer up almost anyone.

http://cuteoverload.com/