live purposefully

I have recently been threatened with a lawsuit by my husband regarding what I have written here. What I have written is truthful and demonstrates only the pain in my heart and my determination to survive. I am, nonetheless, changing my photo. Do not mistake this to think that I am in anyway of less resolve to continue to seek truth and healing. I truly fear for others. I have been made to feel isolated, very much alone and at great personal risk if I talk about what I have seen and witnessed. The horrors of the enchanges between those involved in the online sex trade is left to those who are empowered to address them.

“The lotus flower is the only plant to fruit and flower simultaneously, emerges from the depths of the muddy swamp and symbolizes the manifestation of the universal Buddha Nature or Christ Consciousness inherent equally in all life”. “The Lotus flower has for thousands of years symbolized spiritual enlightenment. Indeed, this flower essence’s purpose is to accelerate spiritual evolvement and enhance healing on every level within the system.” I use this photo of a lotus grown in one of my flower gardens to symbolize the unfathomal depth of filth, horror and destructive life choices that I have witnessed and my faith and belief that God will lift me up out of it. Bobby3424, please know that many are praying for you and that God offers healing to any who ask. I will always love you.

a few years ago, I met a man from Atlanta GA who stole my heart away. I was just emerging from a 24 year marriage that was not ending by my choice. Bobby3424 quickly became the light of my life. Eventually I married him after much resistance on my part. We have been married for a little over a year. I have recently discovered that my beloved bobby3424 maintains a secret sex life online involving many different women, an addiction that began long before meeting me and continues to this day. Currently he is involved with a many other women both online and physically. The list is actually pretty long. He has these fetishes – getting “mother’s milk”, ‘doing it’ with mother and daughter….you get it? my first “gift” from him was HPV.

I can not find the words to express my pain. I remmember my grandmother telling me “if God had loved you, God would have made you a boy” Now I understand. It has always been my purpose in life to present myself as a well kept and well presented female. Even at the grand old age of 49, I am comfortable in my Victoria Secret size 6 clothes. I can honestly say that I have never been accused of being shy or in any way sexually repressed or inhibited, yet my new husband finds a need to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

It is to be expected I am suppose, that bobby3424 and I are headed to divorce (actually annulment as there are sufficient grounds), so I find myself pondering what am I to do with the rest of my life?

Am I too old for a meaningful relationship with a man? Am I meant to live in solitude because I am an intelligent female or am I capable of being one half of a male-female team- a soul mate? Must I be a total airhead for a man to appreciate the ‘femaleness’ of my being? It is possible that I should ever trust another man? Is sexual fulfillment with as many women as possible the only goal of men? Am I, a reasonably intelligent, yet apparently naive and stupid female, to believe that there is any such thing as a MAN who can respect me as a equal, as a partner, as a lover, as a human being?

I know that I am a whole person in and of myself, but I need, want, desire the companionship of man in my life far too much to hear that there is no such thing as a monogomous relationship anymore.

My goal is to heal from the pain of the last few years, to recommit myself to living purposefully, with love and compassion for others. To be an example of strength in times of trial. And not let this experience prevent me from continuing to reach out to others around me when they need someone to lean on.