let people take my picture

We’re going somewhere tomorrow. Phil and I that is. Not sure where, but I can guarantee the camera will be there. Trying to regard this as an opportunity for growth rather than a reason to bare my fangs.

and screamed. Actually, got angry, whined, almost cried, maliciously saboutaged every picture the taker tried to frame up, gave taker the silent treatment, got mad at myself for being a baby,and gave in. I don’t know why I react this way, it’s like watching someone try to get a 2 year old to take a bath. I don’t like posing, I don’t like looking at myself, I’d just as soon give up my reflection so I don’t have to be upset by it. And it’s getting worse and I don’t know how to stop it because even if someone takes gorgeous picture of me, I pick apart how fat my face looks, how lumpy I look, how sloppy my chest makes me seem, my crooked teeth, my greasy hair, I can’t stop and I know people get annoyed with it so I’d just as soon not have my picture taken at all. And I’ve already tried the “admit to yourself that it looks good, honor the moment the photo captures, not the image” and that even makes it worse, I get more upset if i even start to admit that maybe it looks good. I just don’t know, and I’m not going ot think about it anymore right now because its upsetting me.

I thought i was pretty for a hot second there. My digital camera took care of that delusion right quick.

I visited with my best friend yesterday, he’s going back to college tomorrow, I wish we had taken some pictures.

Going on a day trip tomorrow to visit Phil’s old college town – I guess I could let him snap a few without going into hysterics.

Sorry, that last entry was in bad form. The whole point of this goal is to NOT let myself think things like that about, well, myself. So I made myself take a couple more pictures til I had one I thought was passable. At least I can say I didn’t give up.

It’s a bad idea for me to play with the camera, because there’s always a chance I”ll point it at myself. And as is true with any dangerous object, it’s all fun and games til someone (namely, me) gets hurt. I was fooling around with the camera on my new phone, and I was like “this thing takes bitchin pictures, I love it”. Well, I’m sure it’s not the camera’s fault, once you consider what it had to work with, but I cannot begin to describe the awful shots i took of myself. Hideous. Although I guess it’s a good thing, because sometimes I think I’m pretty, during moments few and far between, but the camera never lies, so if I can’t be pretty, i guess I’ll settle for being honest and well-informed.

I can take pictures of myself ‘till the cows come home but I feel completely awkward and uncomfortable being photographed by other people. I never smile and I just feel like an idiot. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything, I just really hate having my picture taken.

Did I mention I don’t own any mirrors either? I think my problem goes deeper than not letting anyone take my picture. Last night, I was trying on some of my clothes, and I would put on an entire outfit, turn of the tv, and check my reflection in screen. However, that required me to kneel down, and only presented me with a torso sized view. IF i wanted mid-chest and up, i stood in front of my framed John Cusack “say Anything” poster, and that would afford me a decent, if not shadowy and vague, reflection of my upper body; nothing too detailed though, it basically yielded answers to the questions “do I look fat?” and “does this outfit ‘shape’ together?” As for legs, which i never really worry about because I normally wear jeans or knee high boots, I’d walk out to the dining room and pose in front of the curio cabinet, which happens to have 6 ft glass doors with mirror accents. Not enough mirrors to betray my quest of never actually seeing myself, but just enough to give me a kalidescope view of bits and pices of me. This is a very odd habit, I realize I have been doing it for a while, I also realize I haven’t owned a mirror bigger than a saucer since I was about 15 (I’m 23 now). It’s as if I figure myself to be like rich dessert or something—bits and pieces are ok, but if you take the whole thing, you will most definitely feel sick.

and not let myself gag when I see them developed. Eventually, I will have to come to terms with what I actually look like, and stop letting my inaccurate picture of myself ruin my life.