get through this

...for my Grannie. I feel so sad that she wont be here to meet my third child…but something has shifted. An acceptance maybe? A realisation that I have got through this. Things don’t seems as desperate and hopeless as they once did.

I still struggle with knowing how to be there for my friend. The grief for her son will always be there and I hope that by acknowledging that and letting her talk about whatever she needs, whenever she needs I am being the friend I want to be.

By completing this goal I am stating ‘I have got through this’. I suppose I have, the pain and grief of loss that characterised so much of this year is abating. I have a great joy to focus on now and although the pain will still be there at times, it feels more manageable.

so its recently occurred to me that i might actually have a problem. with anxiety and depression. i always thought, yeah maybe, but recently, i actually was about to notice it.
i have no idea what to do about it.
but i know that i need to get help or something, cause i cant live with this, especially if i am going on my own in the next six months or so.
but i dont know what to do.
i dont think i can be comfortable with my doctor and talking about it.

but i definitely need to do something soon.
i really cant take this anymore.
i just want to be happy.
truly and sincerely happy.
thats all i really want.
is that too much to ask for?

so the whole thing with my daddy is going fairly well.. or at least thats what they tell me.. of course, so i am trying so hard to not let it get to me.

but now that i am back in school again i am surrounded by a shit load of people that all know exactly what they are doing after high school, or they know what they want to be and all kinds of stuff. i really hate it how everyyyyy class talks so much about doing shit for college.. i am sorry i dont plan on going so this is really a waste of my time. i am just really fed up with all of it.
plus that kinda environment really makes me feel so damn good about myself, let me tell ya.

i guess i really have been trying to take the same approach about it as my dad, like denial and that kind of stuff, but lately, just looking at him, and watching him eat, and just him walking… you can definitely tell he’s getting sick.
i dont like it.
but tomorrow is his last day of work.. so thats going to be hard on us financially, but i am trying to pick up a second job, so its should all be ok.
one can only hope.

dude. he’s my dad. seriously i see him as super man. how could he possibly be sick?
i found out about a week and a half ago… and no one has officially told me… i just have my ways of finding stuff out.
so in all, i dont really know everything that is going on.
i just know my dad has cancer.
my dad has cancer…
he’s starting kemo this week…
i am not going to be able to see him like that…

i guess the way i have been coping with it is just by ignoring it.
but i dont want to do that.
every time i see him now i just run upstairs and stay up there all night, hoping to avoid any conversation.
but i just cant really face that fact.
i need to be able to do it though…
but i really dont think i can.

but i need to help him.
help him get through it.
be there for him.
let him know i am here for him.

i need to be strong.
for the sake of my daddy.

I read this piece in Women who run with the wolves last night, and I just wanted to share it with people struggling with this goal…

“Although there will be scars and plenty of them, it is good to remember that in tensile strength and ability to absorb pressure, a scar is stronger than skin.”
- Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D.

This book really has helped me so much in the past month (yes, month… I’ve been taking my time with it…) I feel more centered, stronger, more in touch with my emotions and my surroundings. I can recommend it to ANYONE who’s had the rug pulled from under them.

Went with my family to my Grannie’s house last weekend to sort through her belongings. It ended up being a pretty horrendous experience and extremely painful. One of my aunts behaved so despicably I’m not sure I want anything to do with her anymore. It was an emotional time that raised grief not just for my Grannie but for my sister who died almost 28 years ago.

Today I need to write my message to be tied to a balloon to be released on Thursday at the funeral of my best friend’s five month old son. I want to do more for my friend but I know there is nothing I can do.

...helping someone else get through this.

Hard when I know there’s nothing I can say, but I don’t want to say nothing.

I think I might have marked this one as done a bit prematurely. I still think about him every day. Wonder what he’s doing; if he’s warm on these cold nights we’ve been having. I miss his smell, his voice. I find so many little things in my reading that reminds me of him, and it hurts. So much…

Maybe I’m just having a relapse…

Maybe I should read less.

I had a good day yesterday. I was feeling positive, at peace. So I sent him a text and asked him if he would answer just one question for me, a simple yes or no. He replied that he would.
So I asked him if I was right in guessing that I should give up hoping that he’s going to come back.
And he said yes, I should.

End of discussion.

I feel relieved. I’m at the slightly pissed-off stage now… But that is MUCH better than the “crying all the time and having visions of myself all alone for the rest of my life” stage. I honestly feel like I have closure on this now. I’m sure I’ll still miss him sometimes – unlike him I can’t just forget the past 10 months of my life – but I’ll survive.

:)