get through this

Grandma died yesterday.

After weeks of struggling, she had been peacefully sleeping for 3 days and died within a half hour of showing signs of another struggle. One of her daughters and three grandchildren (including me) were at her side. Another group of family chose to wait in the living room. The hospice harpist happened to be there and made the moment seem almost planned.

Family gathered at her home in the hours that followed. We had a full house, nearly the same as a holiday, with all of grandma’s six kids and most of her kids by marriage and nearly all of her 14 grandchildren along with many spouses, a couple great-grand kids (many are too young for this sort of gathering). As we were all together quiet, mourning and I was trying to cook dinner for 35 people, the power went out. We were in the middle of a windstorm and somehow the candles and fireplace and quiet of a blackout felt totally appropriate.

We all knew this moment was coming. I was in town specifically to wait for this. I’m glad to have been witness and to have been preparing myself in advance.

I’ve been listening to podcasts about Buddhism recently. And having a hard time understanding how to eliminate suffering when the suffering is physical pain. Just Tuesday, driving to grandma’s I finally heard this addressed. They said that when a person no longer reacts to pain, the suffering stops and the pain simply becomes a feeling of discomfort. I thought about grandma as I heard this and found her sleeping in seeming-comfort when I arrived and was so comforted myself to think that perhaps she was no longer suffering. Other relatives (and even grandma herself) found comfort in Christianity throughout this process. I have never expected myself to find comfort in religion and was surprised to – kind of. (I don’t think of Buddhism as a religion and I really don’t think of it as my religion.)

so i have been so happy lately.
all thanks to danielle.

and i changed my status on facebook to in a relationship.
and my sister, shelby, commented on that.
then we got into a conversation and i denied actually being with anyone because i knew she would run her mouth and end up talking shit to my parents and what not.
well she said that if i was in a relationship with a girl, then i was not allowed to be with my niece by myself.

like, are you fucking kidding with me.
she has noooo idea how much she just hurt me.
how can you say that?! i fucking love my niece. and i dont understand why she would say that!!

seriously, what potential harm could i be putting my niece in

i guess this just shows how accepting my family is.
thanks. a lot.

My grandma is dying.
And I’m also considering having my cat put down.

It’s not been a good week, and it’s not going to get better for a while. I need to be able to keep myself going, get to work, get my work done, get some sleep and exercise, not drink my troubles away, not take out my depression on the boyfriend. Attmept to learn and grow. But mostly just get out of bed every day.

i’ve been having really bad spells lately.. the past two or three nights..
ugh its getting so irritating.
especially the fact that theres nothing i can do to feel better, or make them go away.

i have been taking my meds.. i have been eating.. working, learning and schoolin… and sleeping.
i think i have been sleepin plenty!!
i dont agree that i have been over working either.

and this is how i get to live the rest of my life?
i was thinking last night, as i was trying to fall asleep… if i was to marry someone, or even be with someone for that matter, then they would have to be completely understanding of my problems.. and be aware of what means what, how i act, why i act like this.. and just stuff like that..
i defintitely dont want pitty from anyone.. thats the last thing.
but i think thats a lot to ask from someone… i dont want that at all.
ugh this is just ridiculous.

maybe later i will think differently.

we shall see.

.. on another note, i dont feel like talking about the other subject(s).

i would do it right now.. well i want to at least..

because i dont want to have this thought. i dont want it to in my mind or anything.
and i would do anything to get it as far away as possible.

i am not sure how to even describe this feeling..
almost like sick..
maybe embarrassed? though, i didnt do anything to embarrass myself..
my stomach is tight, i feel nauseous..
i feel stupid.

all for just trying to get ‘in the scene’...

i should care what anyone, especially them, has to say.

but i cant get past this feeling.

i could cry over it.. but that would be such a waste of time, and would only bring me down more.. no accomplishment there…
... so at least i am not crying…

oh how bad i want to just scream…
or go sit up in a tree…
but its too late to drive to a nice tree..

well.. here it comes..
i wish i could laugh at this… and mean it..

i went to the movies today.
and saw ‘500 days of summer’.

and that movie really put things in perspective for me.. relationship wise..

and i learned a lot.
i really did. now is just time for me to apply it.

you can tell me whatever it is a million times, but i am still going to feel and think how i think.
not becuase i want to, becuase i hate this feeling..but becuase i just do…
even when i see her just changing her status and it says something involving ‘her’, i feel like someone just ripped my stomach out.. literally.

i cant get past this feeling.
i know its not worth it.. but shes who i want.
there is noo one out there like her…

ugh, i am so dumb..
but i cant help my feelings. my immature, dumb, worthless feelings.

but shes happy. obviously.. or so it says…

so thats good.. i am glad shes happy.
she deserves it.

when is it ever going to be enough?
how much medicine can one person be on before it just cancels each other out, or it just takes a toll on your organs to where youre just no longer there…

do doctors even do that?
or do they just keep putting you on all these stupid pills to ‘make it better’ just so they can get money and everyone else can make a living off of you and your devectiveness…

in the process of it all, is there anyone thats there to help with the pain i am feeling now? how my life is seriously controlled by medications and doctors.
cant make plans to hang out, sorry.. i have a doctors appointment that day…oh that day too. maybe next week?
such bull shit.

all of this is honestly going to lead me to the end of it all.
i can feel it.
i can only be strong for so long.
people break down after a while.
especially people like me.

and its really not that i am depressed or anything.
i just dont want to do this.
i dont think its worth it.. really.
life run by a shit load of nasty pills?
as if my parents can even afford it… really.
ha, come on now.

i am tired of putting up a front and just going along with what they all say.
thats not what i want to do anymore.
and thats what i am not going to do anymore.
there will be one day… hopefully verryy soon, where i wont be dependent on medicine anymore.

and they realllly arent worth it.
yeah they control one thing now… but just wait, 5 years later if not sooner, they are going to cause a problem to something inside of me, so then thats just more medicine so solve the problem the other medications caused.
does that make sense in the least bit??

-
on another note….
i’m not the only girl… theres at least one other one that i know about.
so is it really worth fighting for? is she really worth fighting for?
i’ve had people fight for me before, but i have never had to be the one in the fight.
i dont even know what my odds are anyways.
i dont know that much about the other girl. i know some about her as a ‘person’.. but not as a ‘person in a relationship/lesbian’.

haha. so am i just being used again?
or is she just being fucking idiotic.
cause i really dont have time to deal with stupid shit like that..
remember i have doctors appointments i need to remember about and go to.. hahaha so fucking ridiculous.

i’ll keep trying for a little bit longer…
maybe i do have a chance like i friend says.
but i am going to make sure my hopes dont get anywhere above my head.

-
this all just seems like one big fucking joke to me.
ha ha ha fucking ha.

getting there.

[:

“This is the moment that you know
That you told you loved her but you don’t.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn’t want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask “was something wrong?”
That i think “you’re damn right there is but we can’t talk about it now.
No, we can’t talk about it now.”

So one last touch and then you’ll go
And we’ll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me”...

if these are her thoughts then she needs to go ahead and just tell me.. i am sick of lingering and shit.