So, here’s what I’ve come up with to start. Needs some tweaking/editing, but it covers the basics of the things I value most.

• Accept yourself as you are – expect yourself to be better in the future.

• Self-care isn’t selfish. Taking care of one’s body and mind enables you to be your best self.

• Don’t make up excuses for not doing things you want to do. Be honest about why you don’t want to do the things you really DON’T want to do.

• Don’t lie, to yourself or to anyone else.

• Don’t complain. Use criticism only when truly constructive.

• Don’t gossip.

• Under-promise and over-deliver.

• Don’t hurt other people. Be kind whenever possible.

• Self-righteousness is unhelpful. Lead by example, shut your trap, and stay humble.

• Assume the best about people unless they prove otherwise. Judge them by their actions, not by their words, possessions, abilities, beliefs, or appearances. Don’t waste energy disliking others.

• Similarly, don’t try to convince others of your worth via words, money, or other traits. Do what you think is good regardless of how you would like them to react to you. Don’t waste energy trying to make people like you.

• Sex is not a moral issue, but it is an emotional one. Casual sex isn’t immoral, but it’s emotionally risky. Don’t have sex with people you don’t value, or people who don’t value you (for anything other than sex).

• Cultivate compassion, openness, and honesty.

• Doing is better than having.

• Try to be of use when you can.

• Try not to be wasteful with your embarrassment of riches. Be appreciative of the resources you have, mindful of where they come from, and cognizant of those who are less fortunate. Help others learn to do the same. 11 months ago

One thing I realized recently is that I haven’t thought about my personal code of ethics much since giving up organized religion many years ago. I’ve thought about it here and there, when it’s directly tested, but not in any kind of deep way. However, I know I have certain standards I’d like to live up to, because when I don’t meet them (or am not trying to), my self esteem suffers.

To that end…I’m going to spend some time thinking this through systematically, and try to boil it down to a short (though not exclusive) list that I can refer back to when things get difficult. 11 months ago

...as I think of myself as someone with pretty decent self-esteem, usually.

And yes, usually, I have pretty good self-esteem…but some things have happened lately that have exposed some major chinks in my armor. My weakness is approval from the opposite sex – specifically, approval from romantic or sexual partners. I mean, like anyone, I enjoy getting approval from professional superiors, peers, etc. When I don’t get it, I feel bad, but I’m at least able to reason my way out of it and retain my self-respect. If my boss, or a coworker, or a friend disapproves of me, I’m usually able to look at the situation objectively and either fix my legit mistakes or accept that it’s not really about me.

But for some reason, approval from people I’m attracted to has a dangerous potency. I have a hard time being objective about it. When I have it, I’m on cloud 9. When I’m without it for a long while, I can live very happily without it…not even thinking about it, for months and even years. But when I have it for awhile, or when there’s some promise of it, and then it wanes or doesn’t pan out, I feel crazy and out of control. I get obsessed, letting other parts of my life lie fallow and putting all my mental energy into the relationship/potential relationship. Without even thinking about it, I start behaving in ways that are unhelpful or just not TRUE TO ME, trying to get it back. For some reason, interest from or interest in someone tends to destroy my positive self-image, replacing it with a self-image that’s dependent on whether this person approves of me. Which means that maybe my self-esteem is not so great, overall, or at least in this regard.

Anyhow – this is why I stopped dating, in a nutshell. It’s not healthy at all. It’s very frustrating, as someone who values rationality and can usually remain rational in tough situations. Based on the amount of self-help lit on this very topic, I know it’s a common issue, for men and women both. I’m kind of annoyed that I’m no different than all the other codependent schlubs out there.

My solution to this in the past 5 years or so has been just to not date, ever. And I guess if I had to, I could just not date, ever again. I do feel sufficient in myself – I don’t mind being alone, truly – I relish it. But I WANT TO DATE, or at least be involved physically and emotionally with other people. Or rather, I don’t want this personal shortcoming to be the main reason I’m perpetually single. Lack of good candidates is a different problem, one I’m prepared to deal with – that’s something I can’t really control.

Crap. I wonder if I need a therapist. I’m not wild about the idea, but as I write this, the problem feels more defined and also more daunting.

Sigh. Dammit. 13 months ago