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Be less needy


 

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How to be less needy



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It took me
1 year
It made me
Very happy.


Entries

Tricking yourself is not an option. 2 weeks ago

Yes, I am needy.

Man, I’ve really struggled to admit that for SOO long.

I did like to think of myself as independent, strong and able to survive emotionally alone! The good thing is, is that now I realize that I have the potential, just not doing anything with it. That is how I came across this place looking for some answers!

I have a fantastic boyfriend, THE PERFECT GUY (prob is “the one”) who I am madly in love with. I mean I made fun of and laughed at couples who act like we do before and now its actually happening to me! He’s fantastic!!!

.... and he doesn’t really know that I have much of a needy side, which is good for us but I’m sure you’re wondering where the needy side goes to get its fix….

Well, I am ashamed to say, I flirt/talk dirty to other guys :(

It has to be neediness or something wrong with my self-confidence (no signs of that though besides this) but I do not know how to stop myself and yet I love my man!! I am probably going to get married to him eventually! :)

MY RULE:
I cannot marry him if I don’t stop contacting all these people.

You may wonder if I make plans or hang out with these guys? Neither, they know I have a man I love and they continue to be cool and hang around ..like their… supporting the neediness…its weird and it’s not random guys, I know or have hung out with them before.

THIS SITUATION IS WACK. I need more help than re-adjusting my schedule and I don’t really have the money to go talk to a shrink.

If anyone can relate and give me some feedback I would greatly appreciate it.

In need of a monogamous mind



So clingy 2 months ago

I have never been the clingy type of person in a relationship. But now that I’m living abroad for a year, it’s been surprising how clingy I’ve become in my current romantic relationship. I met him and first wanted to started very casually dating, I almost wanted him as a fling. He became very attached, pursuing me like crazy, watching me from his shop window, driving me to work, doing so many small favors. At first completely flattering, and sweet here I was so alienated in a foreign country, maladjusted. But then I became somewhat reliant on him, emotionally and for everyday life. I went away for a 2 week vacation since I’m working at a school. I came back and I suspected that he may have done something with another girl, just a feeling. He kept telling me no adamantly. But for whatever reason, I am so clingy now. I have this temptation to call him in the middle of the day. I want to see him so much, I question if what he’s telling me is the truth. I’d almost be relieved if he broke up with me, so I could erase my doubts, be free, and have to live for myself.

I don’t know what to do right now. I’ve always been independent, but I feel so broken and lost. I think he senses this and is playing upon this, now he’s become colder. This relationship feels like some weird power play and I feel helpless. Ughhhhhh I need some self esteem.



Definitely so much better 2 months ago

I’ve realized that much about being needy is about letting the control go. It is what it is, and what will happen will happen. So letting all that goodness around me percolate lets the neediness go. Much much less needy. And so much happier for that.



Things need to change 4 months ago

I’m in the same scenario as you Annie070. I’ve been in a 5 1/2 year relationship and within it almost married for 2 years. The thing with me is that my time of the month has a huge impact on how well I deal with my insecurities. When that time comes, I am overwhelmed by my over-reactive feelings and by then, it has already become a downward spiral. Throughout the month I have enough sense to hold back and not create this tension, but when I am nearing my period, all hell hits the fan. I become depressed, irrational and needy. I think the most absolute worst scenarios: such as my husband is cheating on me, he does not love me anymore, he is not attracted to me, and I hold him accountable for why I am feeling rejected. He senses it right away and that is what drives him away. I end up trying to talk to him about my feelings, but it always goes against what my intentions are (which is to just try to communicate). We end up arguing and it pushes him further and further away.
I started taking an antidepressant 6 months ago. For the most part, it worked. However, for some reason this month, it did not. And we’re back to square one.
The thing is he is generally not affectionate and I think I have a serious problem with that. In public, he doesn’t touch me, at home, he doesn’t touch me. WTF? The thing that triggers my sudden outburst of tears is when I witness this love and affection all around me. It happens with complete strangers, it happens with friends and family. It is shoved in my face time and time again and I end up questioning myself over and over again “is there something wrong with me?”.
He cannot take these mood swings anymore and I cannot take this alone feeling in this relationship anymore. Things need to change and I don’t know what to do.



day 2 4 months ago

Ok, i’m doing pretty well so far. fair enough i’ve only had about 2 hours of contact time with my fiance in the past 24 hours but I managed to not ask for ANYTHING. I feel like a super bitch but if I can go cold turkey i think it will be more effective. i didn’t turn away to kisses, i just didn’t instigate.
Todays goal is no emails or phone calls…



I want to be less needy 5 months ago

I am needy. I have no self-esteem and it is ruining my relationship and my life. I think I know why i’m needy. it’s because i don’t have a strong network of friends (i find it hard to get close to people), i don’t feel challenged by my job (i am looking for a new one)and the only person i turn to to validate my place on the planet is my fiance. I need to not call, not text, not email, not ask for cuddles and in theory they should all come back to me. but i hate the waiting time, i always like to fix things as soon as they become a problem, but it’s always the same problem and it’s not been fixed. i want more attention than he gives me. i need to find some distractions. This is the 1st of my 43 things so hopefully i can find another 42 things to occupy myself with rather than thinking about what he’s doing, who he’s hanging out with and whether or not he loves me.
I think i need to go day by day on this one and set myself daily goals not to become emotional, defensive and errupt into the “why are you with me, you clearly don’t love me as much as you once did”.
This will be tough but it’s make or break for a 9 year relationship and somehow i think the only person who will be to blame for a break is me.



I feel so alone that i'm becoming too needy 5 months ago

I moved to florida with my teenage daughter to take care of two aging parents. My husband had to stay up north so that we could finish paying off our home or sell it, it needs so many repairs that this my take years in this economy. I’m unable to work because my parents need 24/7 care. My husband is busy working two jobs and doesn’t have much time to talk, I meet and old boyfriend down here and is the only one I really have to talk to I want companionship badly and it’s driving me crazy and everyone else i keep calling way to often to my friend here and my husband up north, this situation has been going on for about a year now. I feel like i’m losing myself.I feel alone and insecure about myself



cancerfree2003 There are cracks in my crystal ball

Find more strength from within, with less expectations from without... 9 months ago

I think the last time I felt this way I was 13 or 14 years old. I find this overwhelming desire to be heard, validated, cared for, thought of, loved, acknowledged, caudled, comforted, and deeply listened to without interruptions. Sounds like I need a therapist! Haha. Sadly, that is what I am by profession- I spend my day giving all of the above to my patients and clients. When I get home I arrive to an empty apartment with no one to share how my day went or to tell my heartaches to. Then, word is out in my apartment complex that I’m a therapist and social worker. This equates to them that I’m available to listen to and help solve their problems. I don’t want to hear my neighbors problems, but I do want to hear and help my treasured friends in this world. Still, I long with a deep desire to be heard and to have someone I can call up or turn to at any moment of the day. When I feel this way I am unable to have a real healthy balance. I either withdraw and isolate and won’t tell anyone anything, or I find ways to cry out or reach out for help that end up pushing people away.

I am feeling so unbelievably needy but I don’t trust my outlets and I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I won’t cross the line or stay within boundaries and I don’t trust that I won’t end up overburdening or overwhelming someone.

It comes down to me. Again. I gather strength from others. I can’t ask for strength or a listening ear. I recently made some boundaries with family members and told them I can’t be their therapist or mediator anymore. They need to work out within themselves their problems or seek some professional counseling. I need to take that advice myself. I’m not going to get a therapist because I don’t have issues to work on. I just need 100% attentive, caring, compassionate, listening ears. But I’m not going to find that. I need to work out within myself what my feelings are and what my needs are. I need to take care of and nurture myself. I just can’t expect that from others.

I need to be stronger. I need to have more faith. I need to be more humble. I need to turn to God more. I need to cling to God before I become clingy to others. I don’t want anyone to be bothered by phone calls, texts, emails or conversations from me. I don’t want them to dread them or avoid them or feel obligated to respond. I’m not doing myself or them any justice by going overboard. I need to pull back.

I feel the urge to pull back here. I feel these conflicted thoughts saying to hell with it and delete my account and profile and become annonymous in this life. I feel that way because when I step back once in awhile I realize I’m very bipolar with my moods and writings. I receive wonderful support and cheers, but then I feel stupid for just not waiting one more day to resolve things in my mind before putting them in writting. I just hope no one feels obligated to write something upbeat or supportive because I wrote that I was struggling with something.

I don’t need anyone to comment on this entry. I don’t need encouragement or reassurance. It can be left unsaid. I know I have a wonderful support system here. I have met such incredibly beautiful people right here at 43things. Cheer this if you feel you want, but please don’t comment. I need to take the time to go through my friends lists of goals, cheer them and make comments of support to them. I’ve been selfish lately. I need to get out of myself. It’s a dark place to be 24/7! Trust me, I’ll do better when I am able to focus elsewhere and be of some help in this world. It’s hard to not be needed by others anymore – hard to accept that people in my life don’t want to “burden” me so they don’t tell me their struggles and needs – I begin to feel like an unneeded person in society – one who’s better off isolating and withdrawing, rather then contributing.

Here’s to my efforts to balance…to step outside myself and recognize when I am becoming overbearing! I need to be more aware of what my friends and families limitations are and find out where I might be stepping over boundaries. I need to not need. I need to be strong enough alone because it is I who am with myself 24/7.

I learned this years ago the hard way. My best friend died on my 14th birthday. Not only did I lose her, but afterwards ended up losing a lot of friends because I became extremely needy and overwhelming to my friends. It was too much for them. They started disappearing and I increased in my antics to “win them back” – all the more creating distance and losing friends by not realizing I was crossing the line with my neediness. I am so afraid to do that again. It’s almost paralizing at times when I feel the desire to spill the beans but have to master some sort of self restraint. Then I end up saying nothing and this creates a spiriling effect as I fall downward into depression or lonliness.

Only I can sort these feelings out. By writing them down here I am beginning the process of thinking and separating and recognizing distorted cognitive thought processes. This gets the ball rolling, but I don’t do it to receive sympathy, nor do I do it with the intentions or hope that I will get comments that fuel me with strength. I do it sometimes for unknown reasons. I can’t live or die off of expectations that will never be realized. I just have to let some things go.

Today I will try harder to recognize my neediness and to find the strength from within or the power from God to get through these things. I can do it.



Why am I doing this to myself??? 12 months ago

I am quite beautiful and really intelligent but when it comes to MEN – I am a pathetic idiot!!!!!!!!!!! I have lost so many bfs in the past with my needy behaviour and it keeps getting worse…not better! I will tell you guys a lot more about my current relationship but since this is my very first entry – I am kinda nervous and a bit hesitant to show the world what an idiot I can be when it comes to men…..



Hello Needy People! 13 months ago

Hello out there,
I’ve never posted to any site like this before so this is new. In fact, I should probably look around a bit before I post but here I am so… I’m not sure if I’m needy per say. I’m always that person who looks out for everyone else and I guess I’m a little pissed when it doesn’t come back. Does that make me needy? I told my husband I wanted to divorce him last night after 7 years together. I’m a SAHM of a 2 year old wonderful baby girl, and I love it, but I currently have laryngitis and bronchitis and you can’t take a day off when your a SAHM. Anyway, big blow out with hubby because he hates taking time off from work, and then I blame myself for being needy. No, I know I’m needy and I hate it. Shouldn’t it be OK to be a little needy? I mean, isn’t it healthy to need people? What happened to what goes around comes around? I just don’t know anymore…. Relationships are just too complicated.



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Philadelphia
gabbymonkey asks, “i am going thru divorce-reason i married wrong person and also ruined relationship was partly based on neediness i want to change this how? yes i am in therapy!”
— 3 years ago


0 answers

Edgewater
Catgirl71 asks, “How do I act less needy?”
— 3 years ago


0 answers

 

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