I think the last time I felt this way I was 13 or 14 years old. I find this overwhelming desire to be heard, validated, cared for, thought of, loved, acknowledged, caudled, comforted, and deeply listened to without interruptions. Sounds like I need a therapist! Haha. Sadly, that is what I am by profession- I spend my day giving all of the above to my patients and clients. When I get home I arrive to an empty apartment with no one to share how my day went or to tell my heartaches to. Then, word is out in my apartment complex that I’m a therapist and social worker. This equates to them that I’m available to listen to and help solve their problems. I don’t want to hear my neighbors problems, but I do want to hear and help my treasured friends in this world. Still, I long with a deep desire to be heard and to have someone I can call up or turn to at any moment of the day. When I feel this way I am unable to have a real healthy balance. I either withdraw and isolate and won’t tell anyone anything, or I find ways to cry out or reach out for help that end up pushing people away.
I am feeling so unbelievably needy but I don’t trust my outlets and I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I won’t cross the line or stay within boundaries and I don’t trust that I won’t end up overburdening or overwhelming someone.
It comes down to me. Again. I gather strength from others. I can’t ask for strength or a listening ear. I recently made some boundaries with family members and told them I can’t be their therapist or mediator anymore. They need to work out within themselves their problems or seek some professional counseling. I need to take that advice myself. I’m not going to get a therapist because I don’t have issues to work on. I just need 100% attentive, caring, compassionate, listening ears. But I’m not going to find that. I need to work out within myself what my feelings are and what my needs are. I need to take care of and nurture myself. I just can’t expect that from others.
I need to be stronger. I need to have more faith. I need to be more humble. I need to turn to God more. I need to cling to God before I become clingy to others. I don’t want anyone to be bothered by phone calls, texts, emails or conversations from me. I don’t want them to dread them or avoid them or feel obligated to respond. I’m not doing myself or them any justice by going overboard. I need to pull back.
I feel the urge to pull back here. I feel these conflicted thoughts saying to hell with it and delete my account and profile and become annonymous in this life. I feel that way because when I step back once in awhile I realize I’m very bipolar with my moods and writings. I receive wonderful support and cheers, but then I feel stupid for just not waiting one more day to resolve things in my mind before putting them in writting. I just hope no one feels obligated to write something upbeat or supportive because I wrote that I was struggling with something.
I don’t need anyone to comment on this entry. I don’t need encouragement or reassurance. It can be left unsaid. I know I have a wonderful support system here. I have met such incredibly beautiful people right here at 43things. Cheer this if you feel you want, but please don’t comment. I need to take the time to go through my friends lists of goals, cheer them and make comments of support to them. I’ve been selfish lately. I need to get out of myself. It’s a dark place to be 24/7! Trust me, I’ll do better when I am able to focus elsewhere and be of some help in this world. It’s hard to not be needed by others anymore – hard to accept that people in my life don’t want to “burden” me so they don’t tell me their struggles and needs – I begin to feel like an unneeded person in society – one who’s better off isolating and withdrawing, rather then contributing.
Here’s to my efforts to balance…to step outside myself and recognize when I am becoming overbearing! I need to be more aware of what my friends and families limitations are and find out where I might be stepping over boundaries. I need to not need. I need to be strong enough alone because it is I who am with myself 24/7.
I learned this years ago the hard way. My best friend died on my 14th birthday. Not only did I lose her, but afterwards ended up losing a lot of friends because I became extremely needy and overwhelming to my friends. It was too much for them. They started disappearing and I increased in my antics to “win them back” – all the more creating distance and losing friends by not realizing I was crossing the line with my neediness. I am so afraid to do that again. It’s almost paralizing at times when I feel the desire to spill the beans but have to master some sort of self restraint. Then I end up saying nothing and this creates a spiriling effect as I fall downward into depression or lonliness.
Only I can sort these feelings out. By writing them down here I am beginning the process of thinking and separating and recognizing distorted cognitive thought processes. This gets the ball rolling, but I don’t do it to receive sympathy, nor do I do it with the intentions or hope that I will get comments that fuel me with strength. I do it sometimes for unknown reasons. I can’t live or die off of expectations that will never be realized. I just have to let some things go.
Today I will try harder to recognize my neediness and to find the strength from within or the power from God to get through these things. I can do it.
