last night. I don’t exactly remember what they were about, but I think they were a good version of the “go to college, get my ass kicked” dream. I was enjoying myself.

What a good thing! 2 weeks ago

I think I’m not having dreams at all. This is much better! 3 weeks ago

I was at a later stage of my graduate training and still showing up at the wrong time and not knowing how to do the work.

Sigh.

Apparently my boss is really getting to me. It’s not that he is directly criticizing me. It’s that I know that when he gets around to his evaluation he will do it, even though I’ve done what I said I’d do. Honestly, this is painful and I want it to stop!

But to do that, I need to find another position, which I can’t do at the moment. Get the kids taken care of, and then I can carry on…. 4 weeks ago

Last night I had a series of nightmares about my academic productivity. They were focused on the idea of being in graduate school and missing deadlines, but they were really worries about not getting enough papers out.

Must apparently pay less attention to students and more attention to writing. Somehow that seems strange. 4 weeks ago

Another dream about my mother being angry. I can’t remember what about exactly, but I remember that feeling from childhood when I wanted to make myself small and as unnoticable as possible. No wonder I had a hard time being in the limelight as a young adult: Being invisible was safety as a child.

To my mother: I’m sorry I’m remembering you this way, and I know that through your own suffering, you were transformed into a truly generous heart. I don’t know why I’m having this dream lately. I have a vague sense that it has something to do with my daughter, but that’s all. 4 weeks ago

they are a mush of my family memories, laced with random things. Visiting my brother and sil and seeing my mom again. I love that she’s still with me, all these years later… 4 weeks ago

I’m getting tired of having these nightmares every night. 1 month ago

I felt into a deep sleep after the work was done. I was dreaming I was with my mother, when she was younger and more caustic and less kind. I was an older teenager, and I was trying to cope with my younger sister. I don’t have a younger sister in real life, but this child reminded me a lot of my daughter, let’s call her C. C was whining about how mean I was, and my mother was taking her side. I was confused that C was lying about me, that she didn’t appreciate what I did for her, and that my mother couldn’t see through that. I kept wanting to demand that C tell the truth, but she wouldn’t. She had no empathy for the situation I was in. And my mother was detached and more interested in her own needs than mine. I felt a roaring sense of “But what about ME?” just as I woke up.

I first came to this city as the divorce took off. I called my daughter from here, feeling badly about the divorce and wondering if I should try to reconcile with him. As I talked to her, I could here him in the background talking to someone about what a nutcase I am. My daughter got more and more quient, and I just gave up and got off the phone.

I don’t even know if that was related to the dream. I would like to turn this part of my life off. Especially in the middle of the night. 1 month ago

We were in our old house, the one we bought when we were first married. We must have lived there about 7 or 8 years. Suddenly it changed, and it seemed that someone else had bought it, and we were just visiting. anyway, they had done lots of work on it, so that it was very confusing….things weren’t in their correct places. They wanted me to see the garage, which was a mess of rotten timber, but I was afraid to crawl up into it, because there were spiders. I’m deathly afraid of spiders. At some point in the dream I was wondering if it would have been better for us if we hadn’t sold the house, because renovated, it looked so good.

I really hate my unconscious. This is a dream about the marriage. Should I have “sold” out on it? 1 month ago

This time I was with my best friend from high school. We were somehow traveling, wandering maybe in Europe or some previously Soviet block country. Then we were at home, and I was wanting her help for something, maybe decorating? She has really good taste.

She married recently, which was nice for her, but I don’t know the guy at all, so it will make it awkward for us to visit in the future. Maybe I’m missing her.

Every dream I DON’T have about ex is a victory! 1 month ago

A different nightmare. I was proofing a survey I had written and found a ton of errors in it. I was worrying about how much it had affected my data and the likely outcomes of my research…

Not nearly as upsetting as my usual dreams. 1 month ago

that blasted nightmare. I woke up late, after tossing and turning all night in this hotel bed. The dream was incredibly intense. I was driving my car, and my sister in law was there as well as Ex. There was ice on the road, and snow, and I was afraid of having a wreck, which neither of them seemed worried about in the slightest. Then somehow my car got damaged, and I was very upset, though both of them seemed to be oblivious to my distress.

Shift scenes.

I was in my sister in law’s house. In was my birthday, and I knew my mother had scheduled a birthday party for me at 6:30. In real life, birthdays were very important to my mother. There was a huge amount of chaos, with neices and nephews running around completely uncontrolled (pretty much like my sil’s parenting style). I was in a hurry to get to the party, because I didn’t want my mother to be disappointed (a familiar feeling regarding my mother in real life), but I felt completely stuck. Ex had my car keys and said he couldn’t find them, sil said why are you so worked up anyway; it’ll be fine. I’d find the car keys, and suddenly my purse would be missing. I’d find the kids playing with it, take it back, and then my boots would be missing. When I finally found my boot, my car keys were gone again, and time was getting later and later and later. Meanwhile Ex was having fun talking to sil and no one noticed that I was getting more and more upset, until suddenly I realized that my car had been really damaged, apparently by Ex, and he’d failed to tell me. I woke up in a wild sweat.

As I said, these are more than a little upsetting. Interestingly, we were divorced on my birthday. 2 months ago

when I am in hotels. I woke up several times last night, but I don’t remember any dreams. 2 months ago

no nightmares, or even dreams, last night. Yea! 2 months ago

Last night I had another dream about the house X and I lived in. It was being remodeled, yet again, and I was worried. Somehow my parents were there. Suddenly I realized that someone had broken in and taken our stuff (and when we lived there we were young and relatively poor). I woke up in a sweat, very upset, and confused about the dream. I must have been deeply asleep, because I can’t remember it clearly.

I’m just going to track these for a while. I’m hoping I can get some clarity on them, or at least get a better sense of how often they happen, so I can go to a therapist.

Last night I was upset about Girlchild’s injuries when I went to bed, and I only got about 3 hours of sleep. 2 months ago

and i’ll count this as done

just one

I saw a documentary about dreams from NOVA and theres some suggestion that you can actualy determine what you will dream about by simply stating to yourself “I want to dream about _” until you fall asleep….

I want to dream about yoga. 19 months ago

And I’ve been having a nightmare every single night since.
I’ve been anxious.
I’ve had pain in my chest.
I’ve been quick to cry.
I’ve gone through being too anxious to eat and into nervous eating.
I’m exhibiting signs of depression as I recognize them from the past.
I started drinking right when i wake up. Not enough to get drunk but enough to keep a slight buzz….this is bad.

To over come this I need to talk to the person that scared the shit out of me but there are multiple reasons that that is difficult.

I need to stop drinking and detox with lots of water.

I need to do more yoga and meditation.

I need to fill my head to over flowing with happy thoughts so the sad scared thoughts will pour out and be gone. 19 months ago