Stop focusing on what you don’t like about him, and focus on all of his positive attributes.
Love him like you did 4 years ago when you met.
Be more forgiving, of him and yourself. You don’t need perfection to be happy.
Focus on being a better person, stop worrying about trying to change him.
Read more, write more, paint more, and create a full life for yourself, instead of creating problems out of nothing.
Be greatful.
Breathe, smile and stop taking yourself so seriously.

1. Learn to listen with out getting upset.

2. Think about what I say, before I say it.

3. Determine if being right (and arguing) is more important then a happy, healthy relationship. I.E. pick my battles…

4. Admit if I am in the wrong.

5. Learn to trust again.

6. Take time for eachother.

7. Spend time apart

there is soo much to be worked on. BUT patience is key and we WILL make it threw this!

Have you ever felt that hopeless feeling? Not like playing rubik’s cube, “i’ll never get this” hopeless, but heartwrenching, so confused, every decision I make is the wrong one, hopeless?
If I had any guts about me, I’d throw this one back on the list where it belongs. The only thing I have saved are the spiders and a wasp that made its way into our home.
Im glad I see my counselor tomorrow. Im at a crossroad and seriously dont know what to do. More and more, while I love my girlfriend, I really dont like the “new” her. This is not the same person I got into a relationship with 5 years ago and for some reason, Im supposed to see it as a “New and Improved” version, how happy! Well I dont. Her time is spent working, then going to weight watchers to work, then running or biking and whatever time is left is what we get. She makes it seem like I can choose first and running and biking come AFTER that, but there is always “we can do whatever you want, but I have to get in a run or bike ride today”. My friend that I have known for 6 years has blatantly admitted to be attracted to her. People flirt with her and make asses of themselves, and she eats it up. Laughs louder, smiles, talks more, talks louder…ugh. Its annoying. She tells me today that everything she has right now she has worked her butt off for. Absolutely she has, I dont discount that. “You are capabable” she says. So I tell her, no, Im really not. The one place I could go to lose weight and have support was shit on by 2 selfish people who didnt think they would get caught. Where am I supposed to go?! I have started a running program, what more can I do after 2 weeks?
So, at what point? 4 days ago I could see forever with her. Today I could literally pack up and move to another state or country and not look back. That hopeless feeling that makes me cry as I type this. How much longer can an affair screw with your life before you say ENOUGH?! How can I ever feel good enough if she went somewhere else? I asked her how I could ever feel good enough if she couldnt even give up a weight watchers meeting to come see me cross a finish line for the very first walk I did by myself.

I just caught sight of the last entry and it said “one week ago”, but it seems like months ago. P has been home for about a week and a half and Im struggling. I tried telling her today that being with her is like being with someone I just met. She says she hasnt changed since she lost the weight, runs marathons and got involved in a hobby the girl she was having an affair with. But she really isnt the person I met 5 years ago and fell in love with. Its like this new person showed up and we started off on the wrong foot. My old girlfriend is gone but here is this active, skinny, sexy new one that had an affair, arent you so happy for both of you? It seems like the things we used to love to do are gone, replaced by making time for biking and cycling, weight watcher meetings and personal training. Im the jackass for pointing it out and not being happy with the new improved version of someone that I loved horribly. I dont know this person. How can you love someone as much as you did when you dont know who they are?
Pain. Confusion. Hurt. Feeling like a jerk Im not as happily excited for her as she is. I cant make her see the new her is the one that had the affair and made me insecure. No matter how hard I try, that is not going away. She loves people paying attention to her. She admitted she looks good and feels good. She SHOULD feel all of those things.
Amazing what we are not willing to see if it is ourselves but would be quick to notice if it was someone else stepping out of what we knew. Would she still love me or feel this secure if it was me?
Im so confused. So confused.

P asked yesterday if it was ok to move home. Of course it was a day that I was enjoying living alone. I said of course. After all, she is my forever person and if we are going to ever be a family again, we cant do it while she is living somewhere else.
This has been so trying, but at the same time, we have worked so hard on ourselves and each other that honestly, we are happier than we have ever been. My counselor said we havent worked this hard on our relationship since we first met. People get complacent and coast through relationships, which, is when they usually find themselves in trouble. She has made some very amazing breakthroughs and understands a lot more than I thought she would. 2 weeks ago she made the statement “I used you not getting me as an excuse to have an affair, but I wasnt sharing with you what I wanted you to get. I just figured you wouldnt care, so why even bring it up?” Wow. We get it now for the most part. Her running is my walking. Her cycling is my yoga. It doesnt have to be the same thing, we both have passion for things and that is a common feeling. She also made the comment over the weekend “Stefany is a bad person. Its amazing what you see when you look at them as a person and take them off a pedestal”. I just stared at her and then almost cried. She takes responsibility for her part, but I felt bad for her because she said it wasnt the first time Stefany had had an affair on her partner. “I thought I was special, but actually, I was just a pattern and someone who was weak enough to do it with”. I told her she is amazingly special because I wouldnt fight for this relationship if she was just anyone. She said too that she couldnt believe that she was interested in a compulsive cheater when her partner would never think of doing that. It blew me away.
So, I said yes. We talk more and we have included the words “what I just heard was…” in our vocabulary. We realized that what someone means is not always how the other person hears it. Its best to be on the same page.
So, here we go. It feels right, just still a little scary. There is always that thought in the back of my mind it could happen again. Other than my personality, I really got nothin and that will only take you so far. She says im beautiful and I hope she means it. I told her if it happens again, just pack her things and leave a note, because its over. No questions, no talking. Over.
I feel stronger. I feel like we can make it and actually be together forever. When I feel stupid or that people are judging me, I just remember something our marriage counselor told us. “the easy thing would have been to give up and walk away. Anything worth fighting for is never easy. This will make you both stronger if it works, tell people who judge you to suck it.”
I knew I liked her.

We have made SO much progress the last 2 weeks. I started by looking at things as if I was her. Not so much looking, but FEELING her situation, trying to identify why she did what she did, why she feels what she feels. It took her a week to get on board but once she did she said it has changed everything and she made some pretty amazing realizations. She said she now realizes that when she kept saying “nothing really happened, it was nothing, she didnt mean anything to me”, how could she say that because she almost threw away a five year relationship for nothing. She understands why I thought she was lying and it must have been more because why would anyone throw away 5 years of a great relationship for 2 weeks of nothing?! It was an awesome moment. She said she now understands why I feel embarrassed and humiliated. It doesnt matter that only certain people know, but the thought of maybe people knowing and not saying anything, talking behind my back is anxiety ridden if I let it get to me, which it doesnt. I dont care. What I DO care about is that she finally got that she was pissed I told people so I could find support because she was concerned about HER feelings and how SHE would look, thereby not caring about my feelings once again. That one made me cry. It was so awesome. So we have never felt closer and things are fantastic. We know that we want and will be together forever, but the road is still being repaired. Lets not jump ahead of ourselves. She is still living with our friends because we are not ready to live together yet. We dont want to fool ourselves into thinking everything is great again and then have a meltdown…like last night.
Some personal backgound that only 3 people I really know know. Now, I am sharing it with hundreds (thousands) of people I know, but dont really know….my family doesnt even know. If youve read about my family, you know why.
Anyway. I was molested by my biological father when I was a little girl up until the 4th grade. My sister told my mother about her but I honestly didnt remember until about 6 years ago when the nightmares, flashbacks and all that comes along with it started. At the same time, around 3rd grade, I was raped by 3 boys in my neighborhood. They threatened to push my brother (who was a little slower and problemed) out of the tree house if I didnt do what they said. This went on for a couple of times then one day I finally told my older brother what they “wanted” to do, he beat the crap out of them and we had no more problems from there. My step father comes into picture when I was 4 and my whole life he says I am a worthless piece of shit who will never amount to anything but at the same time when he calls for me or I ask him what he wants he says “your body”. Its been f*%$#d up my whole life. Needless to say, sex is NOT a priority for me and I have been honest about that since P and I met.
So, 15 years of counseling and I have been working on trying to get past some feelings, to be a little more bold with my sexual identity and feelings, etc. About 1 1/2yrs ago we started having sex more regularly, but, every once in awhile I would have a flashback and things got BAD, like sobbing and rolling up in ball bad. We agreed I would keep working on it. So now, I feel so safe, so loved and so close to her, I have a libido which is REALLY strange if you go from not having one to thinking about someone ALL THE TIME. Anyway, I go to kiss her last time she was here and she pulls away. She tells me she isnt ready for anything intimate. Fine, I get that. I have a horrible day the other day and ask her if she can come home and lay with me, spend the night. No. Not ready for that either. It comes out that me having a libido and being more bold is scary to her. WHAT THE F$#@!!!!! Is this NOT what I have been working on for 15 years? Have you not been here 5 years encouraging me to get help because you couldnt wait for the day this happened?!
Please tell me how I am supposed to be thinking that there is no one else? That there is something wrong with me? That we were so excited that one day this would happen and now it has and you dont want anything to do with it?
Ive spent the last 2 days going between crying and horrible anger because of how she is making me feel. Its like dancing. Things are great and you follow the steps. The waltz is a beautful dance but eventually they turn and take steps back. Its still beautiful because it all works as an overall piece.
I dont know what to do. 2 weeks of nothing has destroyed my life.

Last night P went to weight watchers because she works there part time. She said she had to stay for the late meeting and didnt get home until almost 9. She has stayed for the late meeting before and it still has gotten her home by 8pm. So as we are sitting on the couch talking, she says she went to Julie and Al’s (the people she stayed with when I asked her to leave) to drop off a bike helmet. Never once mentioning it before. Plus, she is acting different. Her excuse this morning was that she thought I would get mad she stopped. Why would I get mad? What else isnt she telling me? Does she have any clue that this weirdness has started 2 days after a half marathon that involved her lying, untrustworthy skank who did NOT bring her girlfriend?! And so today I ponder, why do I do this? Not the relationship because it used to be good, but why do I let her continue to prove that she is not a bad person at my expense when I have a feeling she would rather be elsewhere? If she sticks it out, she can prove she is not a jerk after all. Why dont (cant) I just let her go?
Does she realize what she just did all over again? Do you have any idea what you have done again? Trust? Now is not the time to be holding stuff back or lying. Can you just get with the f*&#ing program please.

Yesterday was a half marathon and P did well, completing it in under 2 hours. I walked down past the start line to see her and get a few pics as the crowd broke up. I stood there and looked at everyone to see if I could see the “girl” and didnt see her. I figured she was too nervous or had something come up (like self respect..). Last night P checked the results but they werent posted yet. I saw her looking at last years pics. “what are you doing?” She said she never looked at them last year and wanted to see if there were any of her. So, afer my walk this morning, I checked. No pics of either of them. P finished 19 minutes before the girl (she showed after all, but her partner didnt race which is odd. Her partner literally wont let her run any race without her. Her name is no where to be seen on the results). So I sit here and wonder if they saw eachother during the race. Im gonna go with no because 19 minutes is actually a lot to be ahead of someone. But it hasnt stopped me from thinking it. I also wonder if she has been looking at the results already and looked to see where Stefany came in. If so, why? Is she going to look at the pics this year, and again, why? Ugh. This is so frustrating. I hate myself for thinking it. There is just something in my head that keeps bringing me there. Most days I dont doubt at all this is way over. When we talk about her, there is no emotion there, and P is a really bad liar. Great at not telling me things, but a bad liar. So now, I cover myself by asking questions. If she did look, I believe it would be to look to see where she finished because Stefany taught her a lot of things (ah hmm) and P is very competitive. P would check it to make sure she kicked her ass. At least, thats what I am telling myself. Its too hard to tell myself she shouldnt be checking that shit at all, but in all likelyhood, she did. But, then again, maybe she didnt. I will ask her later, but in a suave way.
Its like she said. Who knew 3 weeks of nothing could destroy a life of everything? Its going on 2 1/2 months and we are not anywhere close to being back to somewhat normal.

I went to see my psych dr yesterday. Everyone is so concerned with me having anger issues. I dont flip out, therefore I must have anger issues. He kept asking me inappropriate questions and things he thought would make me angry. “How do you sleep with someone you know wanted to f*&$ someone else”? We’re not was my answer. A little credit please, like Im gonna hit the sack with someone who just had an affair. We are sleeping in the same bed because we are a couple. He said that was wrong. Apparently, me asking her to come home was wrong. He thinks its because I dont like to be alone. I asked her to leave. I spent 2-3 weeks alone. I really have no problem with alone. “why’d you ask her back”? Its kinda when you meet someone and ask them to move in. You want them around. you want to spend time with them, to be with them. He kept telling me that wasnt the right answer. He said I knew the answer, but was afraid to say it. What the crap?! I was being honest. I had no idea what he was talking about. So, after about 10 more minutes of him berrating me and making me feel bad, I called him a dick. Oops. Yeah, outloud. He asked me what I was feeling, I felt obligated to continue with the honesty thing. I told him he was annoying me and I was confused because I didnt know what the hell he wanted from me.
It all came down to me getting angry. I asked him if he had a dinner party this evening where he wanted to pose the question “how do you make a buddhist angry” as dinner conversation. He said no and I said it was time to go. He said see you in 3 weeks, I said “Im not so sure.” So today has been all about what makes me angry. Am I angry? Am I in denial? I did figure out one thing though. The fact that she lied to my face, stayed up after I went to bed to text and email this person that she was thinking about her when she should have been in bed with me makes me CRAZY angry. To the point where my stomach turns and I feel like Im gonna sob. (Im a girl. Thats what we do when we get crazy mad. That or break things and I dont do that).
So, I guess its step one. We are going to talk about it tonight when we get home.

Its been 2 weeks since I asked P to leave. We agreed that it was time for her to come home. Things have been going really well. Its amazing what couples counseling and open communication can do. I think we should still go slow. Im still scared. Theres trust that needs to be rebuilt. She asked me to spend the rest of her life with her today and I said we can take it day by day, month by month and year by year, but hurt that bad burns to the core. We will see. I know it hurt her, but she said she deserved it for asking so soon.
Baby steps. If this is meant to be, whats the hurry?
Besides, Ive kind of been enjoying my time looking at boys again. She is hot and I find her VERY sexy, but Im still a sucker for boys with dark hair and dark eyes.