Combine my current goals to make potentially humorous and potentially acceptable ambitions in order to do something I haven't yet thought of

Right, here we go, I’m bored and my list has changed substantially enough to give drastically different results, so I am back for another attempt to create a bright, shiny new goal out of the dull and boring ones that I have now.

1 and 2:Win NaNoWriMo, Die – Whilst this goal is certainly feasible, and may indeed occur involuntarily, I have no desire for 2007 to be my last NaNoWriMo.

3 and 4:Become Origami – I guess this could be taken spiritually to mean that I get so deeply involved with origami that I become one with my creations. Or maybe I could be crushed into a paper-thin sheet and folded into a crane by some evil, sadistic origami fanatic. I couldn’t do the first bit, and I wouldn’t want to do the second bit (there are much less painful ways of dying, I’m sure).

5 and 6:Ban Newgrounds – Ok, so I haven’t been on Newgrounds in over a year, but I don’t hate it enough to want it banned… That would render goal number 6 impossible anyway (although I think I will mark it as ‘given up’ soon).

7 and 8:Verify My Fan Mail – Ahahahaha. Me? Fan mail? If I did get fan mail, it would be from myself anyway, thus making it ‘invalid’, I guess. And how would I validate fan mail? Hunt down the person who sent it and find out if they’re real, and if they really did send me fan mail? A stalking goal… maybe that’s what my list needs… but it could be for a more realistic purpose.

9 and 10:Raze My Inner Cheese – Nooo! :(

11 and 12:Decide What The Hell I Would Like To Draw – Now here is a goal with potential! It would get me drawing again, although I don’t usually have a problem with subject matter… So maybe not… Damn… I got all excited for a second.

13 and 14:Read 24 Books By Geocide – I like this goal, as it would extend the period of time that I have to read 24 books (assuming no one destroys the world before the end of this year), but it defeats the object of making myself read more. And the timescale is undefinable.

15 and 16:Become Number One In Google For My Name Before Book 7 Comes Out (of the Harry Potter series) – Impossible. I have already accepted that the timescale for this goal is my entire life, so I don’t need a new one.

17 and 18:Learn A New Word Better Than MySpace – There really wasn’t a lot I could do with those goals. And I already know millions of words better than ‘MySpace’, which isn’t even a real word. If the aim of the goal was to find a substitute word to avoid saying ‘MySpace’ ever again, then any profanity would be suitable.

19 and 20See Newcastle United Fail – Been there done that! We were the first top division club to be knocked out of the FA Cup by non-league opposition. We are the only club in the history of football to have been in 2 consecutive FA Cup finals and lost them both. I would say that ‘failure’ and ‘Newcastle United’ have been rather synonymous over the years.

21 and 22Learn A Little Bit Of Every Job In The World – Whilst this would be enthralling, it’s impossible. One cannot work every job in the world, and given how difficult it’s been for me to get a job of any description, I doubt I could get near my target. And I’d have to be a prostitute and stuff. Good money if you’ve got it, but I don’t got it.

23 and 24Write Stupidly Ambitious Projects That I Have No Hope Of Completing But Will Be Great Fun To Try – Already done that with NaNoWriMo, which eats up all of November, and I wouldn’t want any more vast amounts of time to be taken away from me. Besides, if I write that much more than one month per year, I think I’d die from caffeine intake. Can you die from caffeine intake? I don’t know, but I think I’d find a way. The last bit destroys it anyway. Fun? It’s not fun, it’s masochism.

In conclusion, I have concluded the same as last time. That this was a pointless exercise, but it was fun to do and I’m ready for bed now.

I also noticed that my goals have gotten a lot less exciting, which is an indication of how dull I’m getting. Pretty soon I’ll be setting my internet homepage to the BBC weather forecast, and phoning my family just to talk. I don’t want to get old. Maybe that should be a goal: Commit Suicide Before I Start Appreciating Classical Music. But I already appreciate classical music… Oh god, it’s too late!

3+4) Honor Php more often: Yes. I should use even more php. But only secure scripts.

9+10) Learn to exercise again and exercise wisely- Yeah, I need to get back in the habit and it’s always a good idea not to over-do it when you start again.

11+12) Go back to a coffeehouse Which would be great if there was an actuaal coffeehouse within 45 minutes of me.

15+16) Make more compassionate friends.

18+19)Find a Bookstore that I enjoy. Well, I know of two but yeah- I need to find a another good bookstore.

22+23) Love buying things from WalMart more.* No. That is not a worthy goal for someone who intends to never enter a WalMart EVER AGAIN. But rather funny, considering.

24+25 Go to an herb garden.* Hmmmm… There are public herb gardens?

26+27) Never stop doing Nanowrimo. I think I would be hospitialized for exhaustion if I tried to write 50,000 words a month for the rest of my life. I guess it would be excellent practice though.

32+33) Have children on Fridays. Erm… NO! I’m tocophobic.

33+34) Work at not having children.* You have to. You either have to work at remaining celibate, work at remembering to take your pill, work at convincing a doctor to sterilize you, etc. I’m already doing this one! :D

34+35)c Work without pain. Very hard. Especially on the mental level. Unless you’re doing your dream job.

1 and 2:Die a hermit – Don’t all old people die lonely and bitter anyway?

3 and 4:Prove that the blogger culture does not exist – That’s right, you’re all figments of my imagination… hmm… I can’t even convince myself.

5 and 6:Get a novel for free – I suppose it’s possible, but I don’t feel like actively trying to make it happen.

7 and 8:Win origami – Not entirely sure what this entails… winning it as a prize in a raffle? Perhaps there is a game somewhere named origami and I need to win it? I’m intrigued… maybe I’ll add this goal out of interest at a later date.

9 and 10:Ban Black & White 2 worldwide – Good heavens no! This would be in direct contradiction to my ‘play Black & White 2’ goal! How can I play a banned game?

11 and 12:Create a pyramid of Coke cans worthy of Newgrounds – Not quite sure what Newgrounds would want with a pyramid of Coke cans.. it would have to be a very tall pyramid indeed… I’ll pass.

13 and 14:Contribute to my e-mail address – Wasn’t much I could do with those goals.. and it still makes no sense. No thank you.

15 and 16:Learn that clear writing really is important! – Look at my writing! Look at it! It is practically euphoria-inducing! Clarity is something I obtained in playschool!

17 and 18:Receive Rupert Murdoch via the Ancient Persian method of shoving a stake up his backside and out through his shoulder before planting it into the ground – Doesn’t quite make sense, but we’ll pretend it does. I would love to receive Rupert Murdoch in such a state, but it’s not going to happen.

19 and 20:Find out if I’m really a Catholic Church – I think I know the answer to that. There may be bats in my belfry, but I certainly don’t piss holy water.

In conclusion, combining my goals produced no reward. However, it was mildly entertaining and killed a bit of time. Worth doing, and I may even try it again some day.