feel more

I seem to feel so little compared to other people, at least I think I do.

Such a struggle, I tell you. I have had to confront my deepest fears in order to overcome…numbness.

I realized that the deeper I could face the hurts that have overwhelmed me since I was a tiny child (and in response to which I have shut myself down emotionally), the deeper I also feel the good and happy things in life, the love of those around me, the true beauty of my own existence.

So yeah, to open up my heart and feel again after I have existed in a state of numbness for…decades…is frightening and hurts, but the rewards are well worth it. I’ve been working on this for several years.

I am thankful that I have never been a drug user or alcoholic. That would have numbed me even more. I FEEL more empathetic towards people with those problems than I ever used to, because I FEEL that they truly must be suffering to resort to that kind of self-medication.

And I’m listening to Johnny Cash. Ring of Fire.

In order to do this I must resolve my deepest conflicts that prevent me from letting my heart open up.

I have been doing this. I have dredged up the past and looked it in the eye, faced a lot of the damage that has occurred, felt the pain, and in essence “spit it out”. That’s the only way I’m able to move on from it. But I’m still on the pathway…I’ve not arrived at the destination of this goal.

The process of a real soul-search and examination of your roots really sucks; it hurts! But for those who have been substantially hurt, especially as children, the payoff is so well worth it. I found that I have to pay close attention to my thoughts…I developed a very harsh inner thought pattern that has been in effect for most of my life….it has hampered my esteem quite a bit. But I have consciously worked to change it. My thoughts toward myself are much more gentle and compassionate and I feel so much better in general.

I see a long way to go for me towards un-numbing my heart….but I have come a long way and I’m very happy with myself for making the effort and seeing it through so far. I won’t mark this as completed yet, but I am on the road.

I find myself to be incredibly brave for conducting this inner soul-search and questioning my foundation. I find myself feeling deeper feelings that I have never experienced before to the degree that I do now. Tenderness that I can hardly comprehend, and just…kind of a melting in my heart….and happiness. If I go back 10 years, I had a lot of frustration, anger and sadness that wasn’t linked to anything in particular. Of course I still feel those things sometimes (and very deeply)...but I have very much more of a balance.

Knock on Wood.