be happy with who I am

Things have been pretty hard. Well, maybe it is better to say that I have been very hard on myself. Mostly because of everything that I’ve gone through and it probably doesn’t help that in the past year, I feel that I’ve actually gotten older… looking. I used to be mistaken for someone 10 to 15 years younger. Now, I think that I’m actually looking my age and that bothers me. It’s hard for me to feel happy with who I am when I don’t feel like I really know the person that I am anymore. I feel like I am someone completely different and I’m not sure that’s very good.

I’m tired a lot of the time, I am not as driven to accomplish things like I used to be. I am more prone to just want to take some time to breath instead of rush through the things that I have to do.

I’ve gotten into a place where I don’t feel like I am getting enough done with my time, and yet, I am not pushing myself to accomplish more. I really need to break out of this rut and get motivated. However, my arm hurts, my back hurts… my throat hurts a little… nothing tastes very good to me anymore, so I’m not eating. And I don’t know, I guess that I’m just not seeing the world in the same way I used to.

I need to take more interest in myself and my life. I need to find new things to motivate me into getting things done. That is what I really need to do.

i think

feels like everybody’s work is grater & everybody’s contributing something worthier for world..
feels as i m underground the earth… while talking to them.. on their scale i m nowhere..

well, they are high reputed person.. may be they are doing something important..
but what i m doing is good enough than nothing..

why is it while anything writing abt myself.. i get upset to write it down.. feels to talk abt others.. good things..

but if i can’t pass this stage. there will be no improvement.

It’s truly exhausting when you think about (or not) to be anything other than one’s “true” self.

When you let go of putting on a persona of how you think others should view you/ acting pretentiously like someone you are not…it’s…freedom.

Imagine just living and making the best out of the amazing vessel you embody in this moment. It seems so euphoric, but it’s an existence anyone can have. It’s hard right… particularly when one has developed habits of holding onto negativity and having that become part of your mental…your being…your Being.

What would you do if you knew that in 7 seconds,7 minutes, 7 hours, 7 days, 7 months, or 7 years that your last breath would cease to be?

How would you live?
How would you be, feel, love…?

today i talked with frn… he left me with same thoughts… same examples…
i don’t know… what to say abt it… everyone who were with me are gone very further… everyone’s doing fine…

but i m real failure…. but it’s ok…. today i don’t have achieved anything yet… but at each step i had taken lots of effort to happen lots of things… i never went for shortcuts… nor tried to cheat anyone… it was… i just got tried n don’t realised what was happening to me..

i have have to do what i got to…. it’s in vain to comparing my life in anyone… i have to travel my own path… whatever it is… n i don’t know… where it will take me???

However, I frequently do compare myself to others. I want to be happy with myself again. I want to discover who I am. I mean, I have an idea but I want to be sure again. Lose my inhibitions and the negative thoughts about myself. I wanna feel good about myself and what I can offer to people.

I dont like who i am, i cant seem to just like who i am even. Its been getting better over the past 3 months. My goal is to accept who i am and know that really should be enough. :)

today i was very confused abt what to do…

but now i think it’s clear in my mind… what i wanted to do… n what i have to do..

i just want to finish what i m doing now.. n that is b.com from YCMOU..

no.. i don’t want to complete any other things.. n i don’t want to get distract now…

n dont want to think what other think… or don’t want to follow there opinion…

i m getting very distract again after talking with anyone n with their opinion..

n now stop feeling unhappy abt it … don’t u see… didn u try at all??... were u siting quietly n not doing at all..????

don't u know to respect the efforts u had taken for those? if u had priority for those goals u could have archived it...

n stop feeling ashamed of ur low education.. at least u didn give up till now… working on i after so many failures..

1st u joined that course of B.B.A. but u couldn’t do it at all… cuz u were working… n u couldn’t able to reach that person back… was that ur fault…????

then u tried n filled form for 12th… but u couldn’t give exam.. u wer working…

then u gave mcp exams…

but u could’t give 12th… so u join again bsc .it… u done with preparatory..
n then gave 1st year exam tooo… but that institute was fraud .. what u can do in this case… u have passed bsc 1st year but u don’t have it’s certificate.. as it’s in the office…
if that person is cheater… what u could have done in this case.. at least u don’t want cheat certificate as others… so forget abt it… don’t think what others do…

then u were ill… for one year… still u tried to give the 12th but u couldn’t able to go for exam… is that ur fault..????/

again u tried... but u coulnt go there... do u remember that...

& again in last feb 2008 u again went their tried to give 12th exam… u gave some papers n then u gave up… that time u could have done with it…
but don’t u see how much u have stressed after ur illness… did u forget the whole immune system were damaged…

how much strength do u expect from yourself… u r still alive n trying something isn’t it more than enough…?

have u forgot how were u treated when u were ill..?
even after ur illness who did support u that time … tell me?
at least stop blaming urself… u r indulged in self-pity…

.....

no n now i m not giving that exam.. cause i have to complete lots of things now.. n i can’t handle that pain.. n even i had given the equivalent exam…

&..  no...  i don't want to get distract seeing that college again.. emotionally,,, mentally...

n i have already lots of emotional stress, blackmailing, arguments at home to worry about..
no now i don’t want to hurt myself more….

It may be slow or not worthwhile or stupid thing or very low aim for my home people… n to her ..etc.. whatever it is…

this is very clean… n honest branch… at least where i have taken admission… n i love to study for it…

well i m saying home people… i really don’t wanna say family or relatives… oh god i dont wanna say… i m sorry…

22 nov 08

How do you find that inner peace? How do you find that feeling of happiness within yourself? I find that at times I count on the important people in my life to make me happy, and that only ends in disappointment. I know I need to find it within myself, but I tend to get lost in everyone else’s world, because their world seems so much better than mine. In their world I don’t have to face my own issues. I can just push them aside, bury them under a rug and forget about them. That doesn’t really work because then my world is completely out of control. How do I fix this, HOw do I find myself again? How do I become happy again with my life?

I think that it’s very important to be pleased with yorself, because when you don’t like/(love?) yorself, then you can’t expect from the people that they like/(love?) you..I know it, but I don’t do it..