find happiness

it’s hard to find

I guess I’m happier than I’ve ever been. still curled around the edges, cause life isn’t static.
I think I know how to make myself happier than I ever have and confident enough in myself to achieve it.
Shall keep plugging at this one. Shall take the brave decisions to do it.

“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.”
Attributed to Ingrid Bergman, 1917-1982, Swedish actress

All things considered, I should be the happiest person on earth. I survived more than I could ever wish on my worst enemy (and only at 26). However, where one door closed, the universe opened a wider one. I survived (with minimal scaring, may add) abandonment at birth, a fall from high-rise that killed two others, being at the mercy of strangers, a civil war, near starvation hunger, physical and mental abuse, serious car collision with a semi-truck, etc. But before I drown you in my sorrow, let me say that most of my life has been a blessing after a blessing. God darn miracle, if you will.

I made it to U.S. in 1998 (completely by luck, where others spend thousands of dollars and often fail). I did not speak a word of English upon arrival. Could not even read or write. Yet in the last ten years, I graduated near the top of my high school, college, and I will soon obtain a law and a master degree from a top tier school.

I also came far from within. One night when I was 12, I got on my knees and wished for freedom (both spiritually and physically). You see, I was raised a strict Muslim— and in Islam, there are no gray areas. If we questioned the teachings of the Quran, we were beaten and told that hell awaited our soul (literally). My Quran teacher used to say that I possessed by the devil. His cleansing remedy was to make me sit on a corner and recite a Sura from the Quran all day. All because I said Allah was not a “giver.” If he was, I asked, why could he not make my parents love me?. Worse yet, why has he allowed evil to thrive. My learned teacher never gave me answers and I stopped asking questions. Of course, I still secretly despised God. I found him terribly lacking and certainly incompetent when it came to the affairs of running an orderly earth. I dreaded praying to him. Still, every now and then, I would get on my knees and beg for mercy.

So how am I doing with God these days? I am happy to report that I am at peace with the universe. For starters, everything I prayed for eventually showed up. I do not believe in any particular God. Instead, I find god in everything now. In people, animals, trees, mountains, even in clouds sometimes. I stopped blaming god, and realize bad things happened because of people not some almighty higher power. I realized that god is within all of us (not a separate entity). If life is chaotic or painful, it is because we made it that way. I feel so empowered.

So what is the problem, you might be wondering. Hmm, I don’t know really. After all this, I have not yet stopped to rest. I have not enjoyed life at all. Never been in love, even though few men have expressed sincere love for me. In fact, all I have done successfully is run. I consciously made every achievement only a gateway for a higher goal. As a result, I am never at peace. Always worried.

My biggest barrier is loosing up. By nature, I think three times before committing to anything. As a result I unconsciously sabotage any attachments. Despite the fact that I now believe the key to my happiness is belonging somewhere. I never belonged to anyone in life. Not to a family. Not to a man. I cannot changed the first. But the later is all my own doing. OOOHAAAAAAA it feels so good to write all this down.

Hsppiness is a tricky thing. What is it really? I started to think it was all an illusion, I was constantly in a hurry to reach ‘happiness’ or what i THOUGHT it would be. Well, i think it comes and goes, different shapes and sizes. But today I realized, hey I am happy. Overall, I am happy right now. Yes there are somethings in my life that would not classify in that category.. but I am not going to let them bring me down. I can’t change ppl or the world, I can only work around it or with it.

I’m beginning to doubt happiness. Can you really live, if you’re happy all the time? And when can you say, you’re in a situation where you’re truly happy? I’m beginning to feel, I don’t need to find happiness. I just want to live :) I’m still going to have this on my list though, if I change my vision on happiness (yet again).

I do the same thing every day. School, work, watch tv, eat out a few times a week. It’s a routine, and I don’t think that this is what I want my life to be like. I don’t enjoy my job, I just work because it pays well. I’m in school, trying to decide what I want to do. What kind of career will make me happy? I have a few ideas, but still not sure what route to take. I want to find out what makes me happy.

I am someone who has soooo many thoughts and ideas running through my mind all at once that I cannot find a way to focus on just one…

call me indecisive

What i have been trying to figure out is how to find a little happiness in my life through simplicity. Well after 20 years of being indecisive and procrastinating I have finally decided that if I focus on one idea, it can go a long way. Because I have so many ideas, I usually can’t focus on just one because I like them all, just like the fact that I have soooo many pieces of clothes that have accumulated over the past 6 years of my life, I can’t seem to ever find something to wear.

So, If I eliminate some things (or ideas) I have a better chance at being successful, or even finding something to wear that day.

What puts a smile on my face, you ask?

1. “Music makes the world go ‘round”
Music & Festivals: I can’t seem to wipe a smile off of my face whenever I listen to music or go to festivals. They take my mind off of all my worries for a some amount of time and shows me how amazing life is away from burdens.

2. When I get an opportunity to be kind or generous to someone that I know or don’t know. It also makes me smile when I see others doing the same.
i.e. Holding the door open for someone rather than going first, letting a car go in front of you when there is traffic, saying good morning to a stranger, etc…

I’m doing well, actually, with being happy and all. I need to find myself and the ability to express myself. And thinking posetive, which is going good :) I appreciate the important and beautiful things in life, which you need to also. I’m learning whats important and beautiful, and that too, is going well/good :)

Looking at my goals, I clearly could combine many of them. In order to find happiness I need to stop worrying, focus on me, and let it happen naturally. By worrying, trying to control certin things, and fearing the worst I am putting up a wall to happiness. From this point on I WILL make every moment count…take advantage of every opportunity…and focus on only the positive parts of my life. Who has time for negativity?