Be kinder

My friend and I were walking through the underground pass yesterday. There was a little homeless boy playing with a ball, and the ball got lost. My friend actually stopped, retrieved the ball and gave it back to the little boy with a smile.

My friend is this amazing guy. He always gives to charity, does community service, loves children. He’s 19 but he’s the most mature and complete person I’ve ever met. He greets everyone with a smile, and he’s going to go a long, long way in life.

But when I look at myself, I feel guilty and bad. I’d have never even looked at the little boy. I hardly ever give to the homeless. I hardly think of others. And all of this makes me feel really, really small.

So from now on, I want to be kinder to others and really mean it.

...to myself and others.

I think I’m too selfish. I’m so focused on myself that don’t notice that other people need help more than I, but they solve it with a smile on their faces, and I only always complain. And I see only bad qualities in my friends and always don’t want to see good. And I also judge other people too much.

I’m meeting Mom for drinks tonight (it’s funny how this goal seems to always be in relation to her) because I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to talk and it feels like I only call her to ask her to watch the furbs anymore. I don’t THINK that’s the case, but if it feels like that I need to heed it. Anyhow, this will be a good opportunity to catch up, hear what’s going on with her. It’s funny and sick that kindness comes so much easier for me with strangers. Ugh. I wish I didn’t write that but I’m not deleting it.

i am a very bitter b!tch sometimes.
i want to live life being a kind and loving person. stop all my mean remarks and making people feel like shit when i am mad at them.

I not really rude or mean or anything. But I think my shyness makes me look aloof and people react to me in a certain way because of it.

Also, I tend to not show people who are close to me what I really think of them, so I’ll try to be more communicative with them.

I apologized to Mom and followed up with an apology email (lame, I know), and she was totally fine, forgiving and understanding. Still, I think I’m going to keep this goal as a reminder that I still have a ways to go.

This occurs naturally, I find, as I get older and learn to be a good friend to myself. But yesterday I saw the ceiling when I saw that I am still a petulant 14 year old with Mom. This is what guilt feels like, Self. Remember how shitty it is, and perhaps don’t ruin the Super Bowl next year.

I always think other people are doing fine and I only need to worry about making a good enough impression. Silly. Need to change that.

I hope that I may use my irritation about the selfishness and self-centeredness of others to inspire me to remember not to be that way, because it is so unkind to be absorbed in oneself and completely disregard the experiences and concerns of others.