be daring and passionate, to hell with the consequences

to be happy and just live out thinking i hope to get there some day

Daring and passionate… daring and passionate.. hmmm…

Tomorrow i will go into my lecture wearing my trousers on my face and all my shoes as a dress and then i will paraglide off Taliesin singing Strawberry Fields Forever .. This is probably not what i had in mind when i first put this on my list.

Maybe something like… i will be confident in my presentation tomorrow and will be passionate about my ideas, despite the lack of face trousers and shoe dresses.

my experiences with the daring and poassionate have had some concequenes … but so far they havent been bad concequences…

i meet robbie at the Massey high 2008 ball ….. we went back to his place as a group and we ended up getting rather close!!
only concequence there was a nasty hangover

met Matt at greenies 18 … after a couple of drinks he kissed me .. i explained to him that i liked robbie… but we still ended up getting really close … :P
concequence nasty handover ….. vomit…...
and robbie hasnt txt or talked to me since that friday …... :P bumma :( but oh wells his loss

i invited greenie over on the second wednesday of the last school holidays while my dad went to hospital … he and i got close AGAIN!! but it made me realise that i will always love him i just dont really want to date him anymore … which turned out to be a good thing…
concequence.. he loves me again and is making life difficult because of matt and i .. (though he hasn’t talked to me in over a week .. so i dunno .. personally i thnk he needs to remove the stick and then everything will be ok !!)

i finally gave into matt and now i really like him 5 weeks after i met him he came up for the weekend and now we are offically a couple .. (apparantly 1 week, 4 days :P hahaha).. it was one of the best weekends of my life
concequence… he loves me i love him …. but its hard to have a long distance relationship at the moment because my life is hectic with school, TKD, trying to get a job and applying to camp america!!!

so my consquences so far havent put me off being passionate and daring….

I have to do something scary at work. I have to prosecute some really bad dudes. They beat the crap out of another dude. It is scary. I need to keep this goal of being daring in my head.
Daring, daring, daring.
I am doling out some justice. Maybe if I keep that in mind it will make me feel more daring.
:P

this goal is so much harder with how I over-analyze things;
but I grew up that way :[
no one taught me anything,
no one showed me anything
and no one gave me the chance to just BE,
now I feel somewhat reserved with it;
like it’s become [that] foreign to me…
in time (I guess)

I’ve lost a bit of my spunk and well I want it back dammit! I’m young and should be outgoing and daring and live life like it’s the last day, but sadly I’m overly responsible, quite conformed to a routine and well boring.

I acted impulsively a few times recently about my career, and it seems that the consequences will be good ones:

First, I took a leap by calling the organizer of a conference coming up at a university- I vaguely know a colleague of his who had informed me about the conference- and offered to do a presentation for it. I didn’t think he’d actually take me up on it, since most of the presenters are professors or other big shots (it’s a pretty big deal conference), but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try.

Then, when he called me back to ask me what I was offering to present, I said, “what do you need?” When he told me a subject that I have very little experience and no credentials in, I said I would do it! It’s going to mean a lot of research and work in a very short amount of time to get ready, but I know that I will be able to pull off a great presentation.

Then, yesterday, I was sitting at my desk, when suddenly I had an idea how I could make progress on one of my long term career goals. Rather than overthink it or let it become something that I would do “someday”, I quickly went to my boss’ boss’ office and asked her for permission to start the first phase of the project. She said yes, so now I guess I’m starting it!

I guess the consequences are late nights researching and no more free time. But somehow I am not going to mind so much, since I will be accomplishing something meaningful to me.

I’m tired of being contrained.
I’m too young to act this old. I wanna live recklessly and for me. I’m tired of always thinking one step ahead- trying to get into university, so I can get a job, so I can rise kids.. who I’ll push to go to university, so they can get jobs, so we can all work our lives away. No. Thats not what I want. I wanna take chances, lose things and learn to let go. I want to not think about absolutely everything I do before I act. I want people to admire my bravery, yet not care whether or not they admire it.

(Like the announcement “Mind the Gap” on the British tube, but this time I need to mind the rut.)

I just spoke to my friend P, who called me at work from their new state of residence. He and his wife packed up and moved their four year old and newborn from where they’d lived all their lives. P took a job completely out of his field just to pay the rent, and found that he liked it. He was just promoted, and is now starting a new career that he never expected.

This was clearly a case of daring and passionate, to hell with the consequences. And what have I done lately in the pursuit of this?

I have to make sure that I don’t fall into a rut, or that I live unconciously, doing what I’m expected to do. Of course, its harder when you have a family, but P did it.

My belated birthday wish for myself is to find the courage to mind the rut, and make sure that it isn’t the case that all my great daring and experimentation in my life was in the past.

Today, I once again went to the beach (hooray!) and took a long walk at the edge of the ocean. If my walk is long enough east, I end up walking through the nude beach.

The first time I went through the nude beach, I had no idea it was there. I was walking and people-watching, and as I walked, the people grew less and less numerous. Then, after a bit of solitude, I started to see people again, and to my surprise, they were all naked.

I am pro-naked in theory, and think a nude beach should be a wonderful thing, but that first time was very difficult for me. As I realized what was going on, my first instinct was to go back and start walking west. But I didn’t want to appear rude, or be a wimp, so I kept going east. I wasn’t quite sure where to look, and I was worried that I was committing a faux pas by walking across in my bathing suit, but I just kept going. No one seemed put off by my walking or the bathing suit.

The second time I went walking on the shore, I was prepared. This time, I didn’t feel so embarrassed, and was able to look elsewhere than at the sand. There were mostly men there, although a few women were present, and I have never seen so many penises in my life. Actually, I was very surprised at how unerotic the nude male bodies were to me. I guess I prefer my penises erect, and these were quite floppy and small from the cold ocean water. Despite my confirmed heterosexuality, I actually enjoyed looking at the women more. I find it a pleasure to see all kinds of different body types in women, all so beautiful, since the media usually portrays the same type over and over again. In fact, the only man I found vaguely attractive was one that resembled Frog. What can I say? I am truly Pavlovian about what attracts me.

The third time I went to the beach and took my walk, I stopped by the end of the nude zone, where hardly anyone was, to go for a quick swim- bathing suit on. I was approached by an older man who struck up a conversation, sans bathing suit of his own. Now this was strange: I am all for nudity as a natural thing, yada yada, but this time, the nudity was in the context of what seemed like a come-on. So it was a little weird. I wasn’t, this time, the only one walking through in a bathing suit, so I felt reassured that I wasn’t being too rude.

Today was my fourth time crossing the nude beach. Again, once I stopped to swim, I was approached and chatted up. (It is quite the ego booster, actually, as this never happens to me.) I started thinking how nice it must be to go nude in nature, although a sunburn hazard for certain areas. Would I have the nerve to ever do it myself? I would like to think I would.