go toe to toe with myself

Why is it that I want to be with someone, but anytime someone asks if I want to go out with them, I feel this overwhelming panic and tuck tail and run?

I’m happy with my life as it sits. I have family, friends, and lovers. I want the final missing piece, the one person that is there with you at night when the world has kicked your ass. But all in all, I’m happy. I wouldn’t change it.

So, why, if I want that love; if I want that relationship; why do I run away as fast as I can when the possibility arrises? Why am I so uncomfortable letting anyone in my home? In my little 2 bedroom corner of the world? If someone wants to come into it, why am I so….anxious about that?

In order to go toe to toe with myself, my first duty is to realize exactly what I want for myself. Not for my kids. Not for my friends, not for my other family. But for myself. I used to be so sure of who I was and what I wanted out of my life. Now, it seems that I am so busy that all I do is just get through the day and pray for the night when I can rest. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to figure out, exactly who I am and exactly what I want out of my life. Then I want to make it happen. I am a very determined, very driven person. I have set many goals and accomplished or am very near accomplishing each of them. I’m not refering to the goals on my page, but my life goals. First things first. My new goal in life and on this page, is to figure out who I am and what I want. And then I’m going to make it happen. I get so wrapped up sometimes in the events of my life that I forget that it is I who is in control of my destiny. No more excuses, no more bullshit reasons why I’m not head on attacking my goals.

It seems that you cannot truly be happy until you have taken a good hard look at yourself. what you enjoy and what you hate. I am going to make a true effort to go toe to toe with myself and see which part of me gets knocked on her ass on the floor.

I’m thin because I have a great metabolism. That doesn’t mean I should eat nothing but shit.

I’m healthy because I’m lucky. That doesn’t mean I shouln’t pay attention to my body.

I spend money because I can, and not really because it’s the best thing to do in that situation. Realistically, I could retire young on the things I’ve purchased over the years that I didn’t need. Stupid.

Point is, I spend a lot of my live doing the easy thing and not the best thing, and sooner or later it’s going to cause me problems.

Even if it doesn’t, I’m kinda tired of feeling like a faker.

I don’t have my crap nearly as well as I want everybody to believe. And the worst part is, I project an illusion of authenticity. How messed up is that? Faking authenticity?

I’m a damn human oxymoron. And I’m tired of that.

How’s that for going toe to toe with myself?

P.S. Phew…I feel like I’ve just been to confession…

want to be afraid, ashamed, or intimidated by looking in the mirror honestly. I want to own EVERY part of who I am. I want to chuckle about my flaws and know that I really am working on them, it’s only a matter of time…