be happy, not on the surface happy, but deep down for serious happy.

I got a catalog in the mail today, unexpectedly, which had something on the cover of it that made me smile… a really wide smile, the kind that if it goes on for a long time, it makes your face ache.
I remember being in that state of happiness, so blessed to almost be embarrassed by it… on a very good day, long, long ago. I think it lasted all day, more or less, back then… I find it hard to imagine waking up like that and continuing being happy all day again. But I guess it could happen…

Nothing could be better than being able to wake up and find myself truly happy. I’m sure I still have to worry about the other things (school, work, money, friends, family etc.) but knowing that I am happy and content with myself helps substantially in succeeding

This doesn’t interest me anymore. It’s lost its meaning to me. I don’t even understand it.

So I’m leaving this on hold for now.

getting there….

At this point in time, I don’t think there’s a point in even trying to do this.

UGH!! This just makes me want to SCREAM!

I just can’t catch a fucking break!

RAWR!

That I am almost ready to tick this off.

There’s just one more thing holding me back.

Just one.

I don’t think this is getting any more likely to happen anytime soon, maybe not for the rest of my life. Too many things that I used to “live for” are gone, discontinued, illegal, or unavailable. All my friends have gone away, they simply won’t answer my calls or emails. I’ve already gone through the angry stage as i felt it happening, now i’m slipping into despair… and even when i thought i could be happy, i had that little feeling, that it would all end too soon. I’d need a complete mindwipe and go back in time 20 years to even get a chance to be deep down happy. :( :(

I was just so fucking close.

There is no fucking way this is happening for a long time yet.

I am so close. Just so close. & yet I am just so far away at the same time. I could say that I’m happy right now, and I wouldn’t be lying, because I am. But I always get this little feeling in my stomach, almost every day. A feeling of sadness & loneliness. A feeling like something’s missing. And I know what is missing, but I’m afraid that I’m just never going to be able to get that back.

I need 2 be happy…..every1 tells me i always look like the happiest person alive, but in truth, i have the blackest heart anybody hasn’t or ever will see….. i need help…. alot of help…..