enjoy christmas

I bought a candy cane scented body wash for myself yesterday.. it brought me joy because I get in the christmas spirit when I smell it.

My boyfriend is coming for the whole christmas holidays and we are going to have so much fun :D

Every winter i get tremendous amounts of bad luck. Every year i go into it positive and wanting to have a good time but every year it goes wrong. This year im not going to push my dread or worry aside,im going to embrace it and see how it ends up. Because positive thinking does not lead to positive results

It was not what I expected, but it was good in ways I couldn’t have anticipated.

outnumber the ones I’m going to gain later :)

and I used my persuasive powers to convince my husband to declutter some of his stuff. A tidier place, YAY!!

Too much pressure. I really don’t want any gifts and actually feel sick when people want to exchange and I haven’t been given the chance to buy them anything. It’s not the money, it’s just that Christmas is over commercialized. I would rather spend time with people—people I actually like. Not family that really does not want us around!

okay, probably christmas never really looks like this, but I remember when I was a kid, I thought it looked like this.

I have an idea of Christmas constructed of fantasies and impressions that I got, I don’t know where. TV Commercials from the early 80’s, a party at a neighbor’s house, sensory things I remember: low, amber colored light, apple cider smells, glinting, shimmering decorations, oranges and cloves and piano music, Christmas piano music, advent calendars with colorful illustrations and little doors and windows to open, boots melting and dripping by the front door, clamoring and clinking in the kitchen, a general vibration, a hum, a certain ecstasy at the idea of surprises, the whole seductive idea of reindeer and bells, and even when I didn’t believe in Santa, still, the lush idea of Santa. Everything crackling.

Then all of a sudden I was older, and Christmas got reality and everything got depressing. My dad was gone, my siblings and I hated the video camera, my mom felt unappreciated and every year would say, if no one wants to do anything for Christmas I certainly don’t care; none of us wanted to deal with the tree. Most Christmases we’d say, let’s not do presents, we don’t need to spend the money, but we’d get presents nevertheless and feel unenthused about it. We certainly don’t go to church.

The one thing I’ve continued to be happy about, as an adult, is that there is always a first day, each year, on which I pass a huddled mass of trees on a NYC street corner, and I lean in and take a lung-full of that smell. That’s the one thing that still makes me feel like, wow, thank god, Christmas.

I want my childhood feeling for Christmas back. I want to be really CHRISTIAN all of a sudden. I want to go to midnight mass. I want to see a little parade of children with candles singing. I want bright garish colored bulbs on the tree. I want to seize Christmas out of the garbage and hang it up again.

I think you need more people for Christmas. And children. I think you need children. There are four of us in my family – mother sister brother me – none of us religious, none of us particularly good at giving or receiving affection or gifts, all of us on diets. Who would eat the cookies if I bothered to made them? We trudge through the holiday, get Chinese take out, go see a movie, exchange obligatory gifts and hugs. And then it’s done.

I wish I could change it. I think the only thing that will change it is if I can manage to have a family of my own and start all over, and raise my kids with gobs of affection, and maybe make some friends, and hopefully marry into a family that is INTO the holidays.

That would be so nice.

I really want to enjoy christmas.

Recently, I have become like a little child again, in that I want to enjoy and make the most of certain things.

I do not want to argue this christmas, I want to get gifts and not begrudge the money spent, and I just want to have a good laugh. This website, was really good for giving me ideas:
http://topten.org/public/BI/BI317.html

I went to see my niece for the first time and I couldn’t stop smiling while I was holding her, she’s such a gorgeous little chubby thing lol she made my day at christmas! I never thought I’d say that