Learn how to be alone

I don’t know if this is the real reason, but I never knew emotions can get a person sick. I ended up in a hospital twice, with palpitations in my heart…scared I was going to die; and I think it was because I loved this girl and she left me in a hurry…went back to her ex…the one that abused her…maybe this was the reason…but I would like to learn to be alone…this episode scared me a lot…been dumped and ended up in a emergency room!

Taking the trash out. Kinda difficult with two little ones and no other adults here. Either my son takes it out on the weekends or J will sit with the kids or take it out when he comes to pick up baby girl.

I had four trash bags plus a diaper pail in my laundry room. There was no way I could wait for my son to get here tomorrow. The smell was offending me yesterday! I just ran it all out to the dumpster and left the kids in their beds tonight. 5 minute round trip and I made two trips, but still…I didn’t like to have to do that.

while soaking in the tub this evening.

I don’t even know who I am anymore without a man to define me.

As I said, life with him was so oppresive much of the time.

I should be celebrating right now.

I’m rather melancholy and listless these past few days. Going to his studio is always difficult, then I had a follow-up bad dream where he was hurting me again. I was sobbing terribly. I have had dreams like that often throughout our relationship and it always takes a while to shake it….

I’m tired….and trapped in the house with the young ones.

the housewife thing is not appealing at the moment.

Honestly, part of me just wants to be left alone for awhile. I’m tired of toddler drama being my whole freaking life.

I miss sex.

there is a huge furry spider crawling across the top of my monitor/

Ok, it just JUMPED over to the photo frame.

I dont know what it is but i feel like no matter how nice or repectful i am I never get that same emotion returned back. I started to think maybe it was because of my appearance or how i talk or race or whatever …but maybe Im just to nice to put it simply .. but i cant help it it me its my personality how do you fix that??? suicide ??never but i have decided to start being alone and only focus on me. I want to transform myself inside and outside so the next time my so called friends see me i want then to say one simple sentence ’’DAMN IS THAT BIBBS WOW’’ maybe just maybe if i can change ill have the satisfaction im craving for!

I’m alone, but I’m writing entries on my goals and keeping myself occupied – I’ve really enjoyed writing my thoughts down on this website…it’s like an online journal/blog that makes you more organized in the things you think about.

I’ve also been trying to keep updated on all of my notes for Instructor’s Training…so many…yikes _

1. I’ve taken up little rewarding projects like making my own clothes.

2. I carry a journal around with me everywhere so I can ventilate my thoughts if they’re too overwhelming, or if I need to feel like I’m talking to someone.

3. I’ve established places that I can go that won’t make me feel sad if I’m alone (cafes, bookstores, MY DOJO).

4. If I don’t really feel like being productive I try to be somewhere with WiFi so I can space out on the computer.

I hate thinking about just how full of shit it is that I am the way I am. I hate that I have major depression, chronic depression, and probably a bunch of other things that haven’t been diagnosed. I think it’s a bunch of shit, especially the way that the psychiatric industry deals with it: throwing out diagnoses and medications hoping that one will work. I hate the long ass time that you have to wait in order to even see if the medication works, and then if it doesn’t all you have to do is forget or bemoan the last month you lost being depressed just to come to nothing.

I’m bitter. I know.

But anyways…
a couple of years ago I went through a crisis that forced me into a lot of different places, changes, etc – it was basically agreed on that I needed to try and identify the changes that I needed to take place in order for me to be safe and happy, one of which was not being left alone.

Despite that, I believe that I’ve grown enough in the past couple of years that I can begin to manage myself on my own without letting myself fall down the esophagus of some mood monster. So…

What I should do!:
- find things that I enjoy on my own
- take up personal projects (creatively or otherwise)
- have ready access to good music (silence makes the loneliness more apparent)
- take GOOD CONTROL over my thoughts – guiding my thought process is totally, absolutely fucking critical to whether I can be ok on my own or not.

My fiance is a truck driver and i only see him maybe every other weekend. I don’t know what i have done! I got into this because i wanted to be with someone and share my life and create sum memories but this is not happening. We love eachother but in all reality this is rediculous because he refusues to change his job and i feel that i am going crazy by myself.
I know how to be alone and that took alot of soul searching but now that i’m with him “he seems to be non-existant” and i’m alone again in this relationship. I feel like i got cheated out of a life with him.
We are so great together when we are together! We can’t talk on the phone without fighting and all we do is text. Is my future marriage going to be based on text messages? Am i doomed to that life of being alone and suffering because i miss him so much every day? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do this.
I am 26 and my family says i live the life of a spinster! I actually believe this and it really bothers me. I feel like he is just an imaginary friend and i am a crazy person!
Every emotion i convey is to my cell phone “Not healthy” this is so mind numbing.
Please excuse my bad spelling as i text way to much lol!

I haven’t been alone for over 24 hours since I was about, 11…I am going through a change that will allow me to work on this but I know I’m going to struggle. I get paranoid when I’m alone, and I really start to loose it…I’m looking forwad to being able to do this, but it’s going to really throw me for a spin…I’m almost scared of this goal, I have alot of issues with being alone that need to be worked out.