Make time for myself

than done with a three year old, a 22month old, a husband and a house to take care of.

I may not be 100% where I want to be, but I’m getting better. My self-esteem has increased to where I can usually stand up for myself when wronged! I go walking Alone 3 – 6 days a week and I usually have a “quiet time” Every day for Myself.

Another problem I had was saying, “no” to things I didn’t want to do. I’m now doing that in some circumstances, but could use “no” a little bit more.

I’m a work-at-home mom with 4 children and a husband who is gone a lot. I own a home daycare so my hours of operation are from 6 to 6, then it is homework, dinner, family time, and then bed. My oldest child is in high school and very active in sports and cheerleading, while my 8-year-old twins are in sports as well. I feel like I do nothing but take care of other people, which I love, but I do neglect myself. I really need to learn to take time for myself from time to time.

Yes, there has been a lot of hanging out with friends and a lot of responsibility and a lot of packing/moving/managing things in the last month.

I think i did alright, there was a little bit of overeating i guess and some too too late nights that i would’ve passed up but for the fact that i knew it would be my last chance.

I have been a bit of a wreck, but i have managed to do what’s right for me all throughout. Even if what’s right includes changing the date of my cocktail party to a day that some people couldn’t make it, and then having a ‘makeup potluck’ that those folks could come to AS WELL…

So yeah, its been nuts, but i’ve been pretty sane all through the mayhem.

I’m even glad for the mayhem, because it was in service of my really getting to understand the complex little universe that i have grown up in here in toronto.
There won’t be anyone else to make time for in the next bit, other than me. :)
I’m going to have to start focusing on school and on making friends out west next.

Last night.

I needed to zoom out a little so i walked away from work, and the cake store (long story) and shopped along queen street until i got to john and then it was about to be 8pm and about to rain, so i went to the movietheatre and saw the only thing that was playing in the ensuing 20 minutes.

I saw ‘WANTED’ and I’m going to take this moment to say…

HUH!? I THINK I LIKED IT?!

It was so seriously cozying into the space where steryotypes of action films live. It was like what happens when an executive producer says ‘Everyone write down the thing you like best about adventure movies’ and then takes all of those things (even specific scenes from specific cult and non-cult movies) and puts them into one movie.

I think that it is a new kind of animal.

It is almost magical-realism in that it grants realism to the impossible and implausible and even accentuates how unlikely shooting the wings of 3 houseflies with a pistol is and makes it a tow line for the rest of the movie.

It isn’t laughable though, because you want to beleive that this world exists, where this loser tells off his boss and then punches her in the mouth, so you just keep seeing where its going to go.

Its definately a giggle-able movie, but not especially hilarious.

I might be the loser, i might be the target audience but whatever, i really think i liked what this did to my brain, and how it is making me question ‘movies’.

you know.

I walked home, and felt great as the rain spat down on me in the warmth of that july evening in a city that i sometimes love.

I’m feeling better.

Perhaps even the next two months as i’ll be moving as well in august.

I hope to settle into a regular scheudle once i’m in school, but in the meantime, i’m finding it difficult to make sense of my day, my moods, my feeling.

I need to make this work… or make it less work. or make relaxing feel less like ‘obligation’.

I’m tired of being tired, of feeling so stressed out that i’m frowning all day and easy to tear up.

I feel like a fuse.

I don’t want to ‘institute a scheduled me time’ because i’ll get busy and miss it, or forget and then that will add more stress to me because i’ll feel like i failed at making me time!!

So instead.
I’m just gonna try to keep getting good sleep, and eating properly and try to find time to just sit.

To just sit and not read, or email, or talk, or check my voicemail, or write a to-do list, or listen to music.

10 minute breaks at work will from now on, until i’m done working (in 3 weeks huzzah!) actually MEAN 10 minute breaks.

I need to build my self-esteem. Currently, I have very low self-esteem and I suffer from anxiety and depression.

I’d like to be alone for 15-30 minutes every day and/or do something just for myself. My “Learn to Dance” and “Learn to Ride a Horse” are both under the latter category.

My god i need this. I’ve spent the last 2 years doing nothing but working and trying to care of someone. It’s time that i took a little time for myself and found my roots.

I have to keep doing this. However, now that I have changed my lifestyle by starting up a home-based business and stopping commuting 4 hours per day, I feel less pressure to make time for myself. It just seems to happen more naturally.

this is the first year that they are in school for a full day. I get 5-6 hours a day to myself. Its the first time in 5 years that i actually get me time. YIPPEE!!