My boyfriend (we’ll call him “J”) went off on a tangent the other day. He was basically attacking everybody in the apartment about various things. What he said that really appaled me was that I shouldn’t be leaving as often. I go once or twice a month to spend a weekend with my mom, and I visit my friends once or twice a week. He told me I’m gone too often, and he doesn’t always know where I went, and I need to not leave as often. When I tried to defend myself, he asked me when was the last time he and I did something together. The truth is, we haven’t in quite awhile, but he turned that around too, because the reason is, usually when we’re both home he’s either asleep or playing secondlife. That alone had me upset, then he started going after me because I still don’t have a job, and he doesn’t think I’m doing enough to find one…like he hasn’t gone entire years unemployed. But what really pissed me off was that he not only was accusing me of all these rediculous things, but he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. I couldn’t defend myself. See, when he gets going, he keeps going. He barely stops to take a breath. If you try to wait until he lets you talk, whatever it is you wanted to respond to was said so long ago, you’re response no longer makes sence. If you try to respond to something as soon as he says it, you have to cut him off, then he get’s pissed, and heaven forbid you should be upset when he cuts you off. Not only that, but even when I do get to defend myself, he, in his mind, can’t be wrong, so no matter what I say, I’m wrong. I’m sure you can immagine how frustrating that could be. I eventually got really, truely mad, which takes alot for me. It was only the third time in my life that I’ve been that mad. I finally reached that point where I was no longer in control of myself, I just didn’t care what I did anymore, and I was afraid if I stayed there, and he kept pushing me, I’d hurt somebody or something, so I tried to run. This just goes to show how mad I really was. I don’t live in a very good neighborhood. I’m usually scared to go outside by myself, even in daylight. I was so mad, I made a dash for the door, even though it was late at night. Luckily, his brother (we’ll call him “N”) stopped me. I tried to run to our bedroom then, but J was sitting right next to the door, and wouldn’t let me go. I thought about running to N’s bathroom, but instead I crashed into the couch and started screaming obsenities at everybody. My boyfriend, the genious, then said, “see what I have to put up with?” OMG!!! As if this were an every day occurance. Did he even have ANY idea how mad I was? I felt like killing something, but all I did was claw and punch at the couch cusion. I did eventually calm down, and got control of myself enough to act mostly normal around everybody, then made my escape to our room and bawled. Even still, thinking about how mad I was puts tears in my eyes. I hate feeling like my boyfriend is a jerk, but right now, that’s how I feel. He doesn’t listen, he’s unreasonable, he’s insensitive, he’s overbearing, and he certainly isn’t going to get his way on everything he said, because N and his girlfriend (K) are furious at him for some of it. For example, he NEVER cleans. You should see our room. It’s a dissaster. Yet he was getting onto N and K because the house has been a mess…when most of that mess is HIS to begin with. Oh yes, they were pissed. He also asked everybody to start leaving him notes whenever we go anywhere so he knows where we are at all times. That was one of the things that pissed me off, because WE ALL HAVE CELL PHONES! If he needs to know where we are, what’s stopping him from calling to find out? Then he complained about bills. He seems to think he’s the only one who pays any attention to the bills. He asked if we knew how much our last electric bill was. When I reminded him that our air conditioner had been going out, and that probably contributed a great deal to the bill, he insisted it was because we’ve been leaving lights on. I wanted to tell him that I, personally, make a point of always turning lights off, but I couldn’t, because he was too busy talking about the next topic, which was dishes being left on the coffee table…another thing that he is guilty of more than anybody else, but he had a good time passing the blame off and not letting anybody get in a word of defense. Most of that was before I got really, really mad. That part was more near the end, after the frustration of countless false accusations I wasn’t allowed to defend myself against. The only thing I’m still, three days later, upset about, is being told not to leave the house as often. You have to understand…we live in a VERY stressful environment. Aside from the constant tension because J and K hate eachother, we don’t have enough money to eat every day, and the apartments always filthy because the guys don’t want to clean. It’s enough to drive anybody crazy, and the only thing that’s kept me sane is being able to escape every once in awhile. I go to marble falls to see my mom and spend the weekend there, and it’s so pleasant and relaxing and destressing. I never want to come back. The same goes for my friends. I have one fried about 30 minutes away, (call her Kat) who has never liked J, and he’s never liked her, so that causes more drama than visiting my family, because he’d really like it if I never visited her again, and she’d really like it if I dumped him. Then there’s our friends in the apartments, who me and K visit two or three times a week, for a few hours at a time. J is usually asleep or at work when we go over there, and generally isn’t back or awake when we get home. He also complained about me and K sitting in the car all the time. K is as stressed out as I am, and the two of us have become really good friends, so when one or the other of us feels like we can’t take it anymore, we go sit in my car and console eachother. It’s really thereputic, and helps avoid alot of problems, but all J sees is more time I’m not spending with him. K is also pissed, because in the interest of saving money, J insisted she must quit smoking. I think he’s WAY out of line there. First of all, she’s been cutting back, trying to quit, anyway. She’s down to about three to four cigarettes a day. That means at the very most, she’s buying a new pack every five days. At the current price of cigarettes, she’s spending about $1.25 a day on cigarettes. That really isn’t that much, when compaired to what she used to smoke. (close to two packs a day.) Just based on that alone, J had no right to scold her for it. On top of that, her money is HER money. Yes, we have to pay rent, but that doesn’t give any of us the right to tell eachother what we can or cannot do with our own money. Rent and bills have been paid every month. Sometimes only barely, and sometimes with help, but they’ve been paid. Not only that, but if you turn the mirror around on J, you will see he spent $300 a few months ago on a PS3. Did we need that? Or how about the $60 he spent to get an expensive phone flashed for cricket when he could’ve just put up with the cheap phone that came with the plan? Or maybe we should ask about the $5 or so he spends every day on lunch rather than buying lunches he can pack and take with him when we go grocery shopping. And let’s not forget, at least once a week he makes a special trip to 7-11 for a slurpee, which costs about $1. He also frequently likes to go drive aimlessly around downtown just for the fun of it, which has to be costing $5 to $10 in gas every time. But K shouldn’t be buying cigarettes anymore, right? I did tell him, later that night, that if I were to follow all his new rules, he would find me a very unpleasant person to be around, because he was trying to take away everything I do to de-stress. His only answer for that was that he doesn’t know why I’m so stressed out all the time. Do I really need to spell it all out for him? Isn’t it OBVIOUS why I’m stressed out? I don’t have a job! I live with people who don’t get along, therefore there’s always tension! I don’t get along with N most of the time, and he’s always home! We haven’t been making enough money to survive! I have to wake up, every morning, think about how little we have, and remember that I don’t have a job, for the first time since I was 19! AND HE DOESN’T THINK I’VE BEEN TRYING!!! He has no idea how down I’ve been on myself, ALL THE TIME, because I can’t contribute to rent. It doesn’t make me feel any better to remember that I paid the first two months rent BY MYSELF, because I can’t do that now. My credit was wrecked from those two months I paid all of rent. Now, it’s harder to find a job, and because of food stamps, I’m stuck at this giant computer lab all week. The internet can only take a person so far, but we never have enough gas for me to physically go out job hunting. How will I ever find anything? And in the mean time, I’ll just keep getting ragged on for not helping out more. Our whole lifestyle is unhealthy. Everybody except J has been sick, because of the roaches, and the mess. J says that can’t be the reason, because he’d be sick too. Yeah, but he’s lived in that kind of a mess his whole life! He’s used to it. None of the rest of us are. Even K’s son, E, has had a cough since he moved in, and he’s only 4. I’ve developed a cronic sneeze. N recently had a colon infection. K’s been getting repeated urinary tract infections. K even had to go to the hospital recently. I’ve been lingering on the brink of depression for months now, and holding myself out of it is tiring. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on…and we just signed another 6 month lease because we can’t afford to move out. Shoot me now. This is not a good situation, and I don’t know what to do to make it better, and now, on top of everything else, I’m furious at J, who I thought was the one person that would stand by me through all of it. I just don’t know what I want anymore.
