live life instead of simply existing

How I did it: It was a search. I had to find a reason to keep going, something or someone substantial to hold on to, to keep me on my feet. I kept looking and looking, but it always eluded me. Eventually I gave up and let myself sink, fall and disappear.

The most beautiful thing about life is its unexpectedness. The ups and downs that weave through our lives defines our existence. We simply never know what we might find around the next bend regardless how much planning we put into it. Life can't be held down and expected of. It owes us nothing.

And so, one night, life found me. Hollow, beaten down, a shadow. I existed, nothing more and nothing less. Without a chance to stop it, to refuse, to think about it or back away, I was thrown around the next bend into the unexpected.

To some, it was simple. I was pregnant. I agreed at first, with horror, but as time wore on it was so much more than that frightening definition. Life was blossoming in me. Life was forging a way into the darkness that enveloped my heart. It was growing defiantly, without asking, just expecting I do my duty to accept. And with it, I grew strong. I cried my share of tears, but I could only do that much. The blind trust of new life couldn't defend itself from whatever I might choose to do, and I couldn't harm something that had no voice or will to stop me. I accepted.

With acceptance, love grew. Love for the unknown. Love and gratitude for saving me. I was once selfish with my pain, and now I had learned to be selfless. I found hidden depths of strength I never knew I had before. I pulled from them to fight those who wanted to take this life from me. I protected my child defiantely without asking, without having been expected too, just because I felt the unspoken love.

When she was born, I'll remember this moment until the end of my days. It's as if time stood still, the shouting voices of doctors and scrambling nurses, the cries of joy from her father, the clatter of metal instruments, the insessant beeping of the montiors, faded into the background, became white noise. I watched as if it was only me and her left in the world, and it's as if in that moment I felt my heart become whole. It knitted itself together when I laid eyes on my daughter and I felt the quiet warmth of happiness throughout my body. Then her first cries split the air, and the voices and sounds around me collided in one, and life went on.

That was 7 months ago and I don't regret it for a moment. I lost a lot, my family, my brother, respect, and gained much animosity. New wounds opened up where old ones were patched, but holding her in my arms everyday is salve to the pain. My family makes steps everday to come together, steps with her. Where the once railed against me, they now laugh and smile in her presence, toting bundles of gifts and trying to be the first one to hold her.

Cliche as it might sound to the skeptical pessimist I once owas, I don't flinch at the saying now. Yes, I believe, love does heal all wonds.

Lessons & tips: Don't expect the unexpected, just accept it when it arrives.

Sep 01, 12:22PM PDT | 2 comments | 7 cheers