heal from abuse

I have spent many years wishing this stupid asshole wouldn’t have a chance to affect my adult life. He already stole my childhood and I wasn’t willing to give him one more day. But, it was all denial. The truth is that I AM affected. I struggle with feelings of shame and worthlessness. Why didn’t the people who were supposed to love and protect me do so? Didn’t I deserve it? Instead I was used like I’m not even a person, just a toy for someone else’s fulfillment. I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel bad about myself. I don’t trust. I don’t think anyone will ever really care about me because I’m not worth it. I haven’t healed I’ve only pushed my feelings of anger and hurt away and it’s time to just be brave and face up to the facts. I don’t really know where to begin, maybe a peer group in town?

^{I was psychollogycally and physically abused by my ex boyfriend (by physical I mean I got hit)
I knew I had to break up with him, I actually did like 10 times maybe or more, but he kept promising he wouldn’t treat that way again (and I used to got back with him when I was really deppressed or vulnerable) I had a 5 year realitionship, I broke up with him 6 months ago, he made a HUGE drama he told me he would never love a woman again and bla bla, 1 or 2 months later he called me to tell me he has a girlfriend and you know what was one of the first things he said? “She has the same initials P.G” why the hell did he do that? teh worst thing is I got mad, I got jealous and everything, but I never wanted to go back with him. Right now I’m completely over him, but I’m not over the abuse and I truely don’t know how to deal with this, it’s hard for me to trust men and everytime someone talks to me about their relationship I get shocked, how could I have been so stupid?
I really wanna heal}

It’s been almost six years since the last time I was fondled or beaten by my stepfather. He’s in prison for it, but it makes no difference. It still feels like yesterday to me.

Well, I know it’s a bit strange to say I’m done with this. I still have stuff I need to do, but at the very least, I don’t have a reason to dwell on the bad stuff anymore. I’m with someone who loves and supports me now and my family seems to be learning to back off a bit. I’m rehashing events in my mind less and less, so I think it’s time I thought more about my future rather than my past. I think things could still get ugly with my family but I guess I consider that a different kettle of fish and different things to work on. I do still wish I’d figured out what was going on sooner but it’s no use wondering if that would’ve made things different.

I’ve been through so much. I went numb for so long that I am really only beginning to feel. It may seem hard to believe this but I want to learn to breathe deeply again and to not be afraid of everything.

I am doing a lot better. I can taste food again. I no longer just feed myself. I enjoy the taste, I can feel the rush of chocolate again and taste the many flavors of lasagna. I realize that I have been holding myself so rigid and so numb to my surroundings that I lost my senses. Now I want to see the world. Not just travel. i want to seeeeee the birds and the trees and feel the breeze. I want to be a part of this wonderful life again and let go of the protective cage that I built for myself for protection. The cage is invisible but so powerful. I have the key, I have the code, now I just need the real courage to do it…

It’s ongoing, really, but the worst is definitely over. At this point, it has less to do with what actually happened but rather what I do now. I mean, just when I think I’m better, my mom’s voice enters my head and yells at me. Grr. Plus, I still need to set some real boundaries. Right now, I’ve just opted for minimal contact with my family…

Talk therapy allowed me to get angry; meditation is allowing me to forgive.

I needed to do both.

I have come to a realization that I need to forgive my abuser.

Make no mistake, this does not mean that the abuse was okay or that the abuse that I suffered does not still affect me. I still have a relationship with this person, and years of emotional berating and physical assault are difficult to overcome. I am having great difficulty with the the whole effect it has had on my life and my being, especially since I blamed myself for years for causing the abuse.

It’s so difficult to accept and forgive, but it helps for me to remember that acceptance is not equivalent to approval.

Acceptance and acquiescence are not the same thing. I think maybe acceptance is relinquishing control and personal investment and acquiescence is allowing and permitting an action to continue.

I choose forgiveness.

If I accept what has happened and give up my perceived control of harboring resentment and anger and wanting an apology, or at the very least have what happened acknowledged as having been wrong, I can start letting go.

Additionally, by letting go of my judgment, I do not have to have the responsibility of carrying this grief and resentment. It eats into my happiness and contentment.

I cannot change the past or other people or anything but myself and how I choose to act. I will break the chain of abuse in my family and allow myself to just be, without all this baggage. That is a choice that I can make for myself.

I mean, easier said than done, but now that I have a map, it is a bit easier to navigate.

my therapist helped me rember when i was young about 4 5 or 6 i was molested & or violated (i still cant rember that im happy) by my friend and neighber’s brother.
i didnt know about sex and when i was little i loved the idea of having a living doll to cuddle and feed, he was in his early teens and had just heard about sex.
he and a friend walked in on me and my friend playing.
he lead me and her up to the next floor asking me if i wanted to be a mummy i was unsure but i wanted a baby.
so i nodded thinking it was a game he lead me into his room while his friend kept his sister ocupide
he made me pull of my pants lie in his bed i hoped that he wouldnt ask but he did he said like i knew “you have to take your undies off ‘Futz5’” then laughed leaning down to pull them off, thats all i remebered

im 16 now
i havent told my parents they wouldnt handel it neather would my brother who was so close with the boy, they bearly handeled me having OCD
i started to cut my self when i remebered (something i havent done in years) and i couldnt stop feeling dirty.
i have burst of rage when i see people being taken advantage of.
and had a ‘psycological breakdown’ about a year ago stopping school for half a year.
but now i’m on the mend i started to learn kickboxing for self defence, started school again.
i even told one of my closest friends.
but i still cant help but feel that i wish that memory was still burried

this is my new account since i cant seem to get into my old one and not sure why so im just reposting everything ok
my old account was xXThe-Little_FairyXx

hi…….....ummmmmm…uhh…well i live wikth my uncle.before my father died i was abused by him sexualy emotionaly verbaly and physicaly…now my uncle abuses me to the same way…im still living with it but im trying to heal from the past to..it wasnt just family who abused me but i was bullied by school stadff and other kids all my life.i want to heal…..but im not sure i can
but i just dont know..how can i heal from abuse if its still occuring…...and why did i have to be such a horribler person why couldnt i just be the good kind that never gets hit