heal myself

Stop expecting that everything will be fair and square at the end, and more importantly not to be bitter about it.

To not expect people to “get it” in this lifetime.

I dont know how I will do it. First of course is getting out of his house, getting a well paid and satisfying job. Spending time alone and finding new friends.

I dont know how I will do it. First of course is getting out of his house, getting a well paid and satisfying job. Spending time alone and finding new friends.

I want to dance again.. heck I want to just walk and run without feeling pain, even for just 1 step!! It’s been feeling like this is getting further and further away… and like life is just slipping away in nauseating pain every day…

I feel like I’ve tried everything and nothing sticks. my willpower to stick to certain routines is nonexistent. I feel all I want in life is to be joyous in my physical body; yet, I make continual daily choices that do not back this up at all and in fact move counter to healing! I just want to be inspired and committed to living a lifestyle conducive to healing/a vibrant physical body, and thus truly create my own healing…

I have a degree in psychology
I’ve tried hypnosis
I’ve been attuned in Reiki & other energy therapies
Ive done Yoga
I’ve balanced my chakras
& my yin and yang
I’ve brought the prana down the Ida & Pingala
& and up the shushimina
I’ve played the gong and sent healing vibrations to my soul
I’ve even traveled far away to be healed by shamans
I’ve read books on positive thinking
and not thinking at all
I’ve talked to therapists
I visualized my body encased in light
& even transformed into a Mer-Ka-Ba
yet here I am. I still hurt.
I’m running out of new age things to try. Next up: Ritalin, lithium, shock therapy…

In my dreams there is a benevolent force that is trying to tell me I need to drink more water. She also tells me that to heal my own body I need to start from the bottom up- my pain is buried in my roots. These are things I know but avoid remembering during waking hours, and she knows this.

I sound foolish; I sound flaky and new-agey and it makes me feel anxious and defensive but I will not be ashamed of the truth anymore. I am clairsentient. I want to heal people using nothing but my hands and energy. To me, these things are normal, good, and exciting, but when I tell people these things, I often feel their discomfort. Literally. But I won’t just be any one thing anymore. I can’t.

For most of my life I have searched for an appropriate set of words to define myself- to describe the breadth and width of who I am to myself and to others and perhaps to find a common ground among my fellow human beings- to relate in a genuine and effortless way. But the truth is, I’ve failed and will always fail- because they’re just words. To contain myself in those words, I have to fragment myself. And I have slowly come to the realization that it hurts me to do that- in separating myself I relinquish my power as an entire dynamic individual. I have feared for so long the possibility of living outside labels, because it seemed a place where I would be alone- on the fringe of humanity itself. Alone with not a discernable comrade in sight- But that was my great misconception, because without the petty limitations of labels it is easily seen that there is no separation. We are an interconnected whole- our pain comes from the belief that we are separate, powerless, superior, inferior. We are an individuated one. Each part contains within it the Whole. We are creation, god, and love itself.

We have the power to heal ourselves. We have the power to heal each other.

As soon as I uttered this goal, it seems the universe got the memo, and things have rapidly occured in a fashion that leads me to believe I can totally do this. It wont be hard- it will just take a lot of work.
However, I will say that things are off to a fantastic start. I’ve been perpetually redirecting my thoughts towards the positive and the result is that I feel steady, solid, and present. I am effortlessly communicating cleary and effectively. For the first time ever I feel genuinely confident in myself and my potential.

I’ll be honest with you, folks. This goal-those two simple words, are my mount everest. But I must. I recognize that I can go no further in my quest to heal the rest of the world if I do not heal myself now. I have worked around my own scars and fears as much as possible, and now I have to put myself first – an idea that makes me uncomfortable even at this moment. But it will be done, no matter how long it takes, no matter how arduous the journey. I want my dreams to be reality- bad enough to overcome anything. I will contribute to the light in this world, or I’ll die trying. Wish me luck.

I was diagnosed with Rhuematoid arthritis.
Now no one would know.
Then I was in a terrible state.
I healed myself.
I learned a lot.
It was tough.
I lost faith in my ability to heal myself for a while. That was the most frigtening part.

There were a million reasons why and how.
But a main one… is I’d already committed to being a yoga apprentice. When I was unable to walk for months and in incredible pain I told Godfrey (to whom I was to be an apprentice) that I still wanted to come but might not be able to work or do yoga. He said come anyway. So I had this image of myself there. Doing yoga and being well. And it happened.

I learnt so much from being so ill.
It was an intense but amazing experience.
I am so happy to be myself again.