want to live

like i wanted, i entered the hospital and stayed there for a week. it was really good for me, i kinda like myself better now and i think i can keep it this way some time. wonder how much is it gonna last?... lets hope it lasts long enough, right now, im optimistic!

its been a day and this feelings just wont go away!, i know im not gonna kill myself beceuaese i know better than that, and no matter how crappy life gets im curious and always want to know whats happening next…
i kinda wanna go to the hospital again, even though i hate that place at least im safe there.. but mom wants me here, she says im gonna be depressed here or there and that its better to be close to home maybe she is right or maybe its the 300 dls a night that wants her to keep me at home…
i could pop some pills just to like scare them and then they would take me to the hospital, but i just couldnt do that, because what if they find me too late? and like ive said i dont wanna live but I DONT WANNA DIE!, and even if tey find me at the right moment its just unfair to make mom pass trough this.
dr says its gonna go away in a few days, but now again, hes been saying that for 3 weeks!
i think im going to sleep now, ive been sleeping all the time since im feeling this way, at least when im dreaming i dont feel so bad..

im feeling a little suicidal, even when i know i wont do it…
or at least i hope i wont =(