have courage

I feel like I’m afraid all the time. Too afraid to do anything, really. I’m afraid to leave home because I don’t know how I would manage, afraif to move abroad because I would be all alone. Afraid to open myself up and make new friends or become closer to the ones I have, afraid to fall for my girlfriend because I’m afraid I wont manage if she leaves me now. Afraid she’ll think I’m needy and pathetic, afraid she wont need me anymore. Afraid she will realise I’m nothing but trouble. I’m afraid that I’m nothing more than this. And that I’m not smart enough to get into any schools when this is over.

I don’t want to be. I want to believe I can make it on my own, not just because I have to but because I can, I have the strenght in me. I want to move abroad and start my life complitely over, leave everything behind. I want to be able to stand on my own feet.

What are the five bravest things you’ve done in your life?

I’m having trouble finding one thing. I’ve been quite a coward.

sometimes, it’s really hard to believe that i could do all that i want to do. but i do believe i can make it, i just seem to wait for better circumstances.

i’m a coward.
I have faith, and i know that fear is only something we create about the unknown, and that the key to the unknown is to understand it – not fear it.
i’d like to put that in to practise.

I’m not really good at openning up. and i find it extremely hard to confront people.

i want to be able to speak my mind, to tell people what i really think of something and everything, i’m sick of pretending.

and it is a bit frightening

so I am going to dig deep and find some courage

Fear prevents me from doing a lot of things I really want to do.

I hate people who shove their noses into other peoples’ business. Actually, I loathe people who do that. People who intentionally go out there to seek out and find individuals they don’t like for one reason or another and attempt to make their lives a living hell. I don’t like slimy, two-faced people who have a lot to say about others behind their backs instead of saying things to my face.

I also hate people who need to be the centre of attention at all costs. ...people who make themselves look like an idiot just so that all eyes and ears are pointed their way. Know what I call that? Insecurity and childishness. Know what I would like to do when people do that? Hit them.

I’m sick and tired of being the brunt of other peoples rants and jokes, and I would love for someone to come to me and say it to my face.

I think once this issue is resolved, I can put this goal aside and consider it done, although it will still be something I will have to work on.

I am tired of being the punching bag. She is making me re-think my own decisions for really no good reason. I do not have to answer to her. she is neither my mother or even a best friend. It is not fair to him that she is making me feel this way, because I really do care deeply for him… my close friends, now their opinions I do really care about, but it’s people like this that don’t actually take the time to listen to the whole story without making a judgment that really does bug the heck outta me.

a friend, tonight, on her livejournal ranted about the fact that I am getting close to a boy. I know she is against whatever I do, she tends to rant on and on about my life a lot… when we really aren’t all that close. so I had courage.

I asked her if she wanted me to take her off my friends list so she didn’t have to know about what was going on in my life, or if she was going to act like an adult and stop whining about my life.

I stood up for myself. I never do.

I’m proud of myself

I also confronted a guy today on how he had been using me, I was his ‘convenience’ friend. I’m doing very well today.