find the right man

is not mr right
however much i like him
however good a time we have
however amazing he is in bed
he is not the one
i think all he wants from me is sex
even if he is a decent enough guy to not pout or throw a fit or whatever when were hanging out and he cant get any.
but…
i always get to listen to him bitch about how his friends are treating him like crap, and how hes gonna do this and this and this to get back at them, and how work sucks, and all the wonderful things to bitch about in his life.
but whenever i try to let off some steam while talking to him, all of a sudden hes got something else he needs to do
and he only invites me over when hes really horny
and he keeps coming up with reasons to not hang out when he doesnt think hes going to get any.
and he doesnt seem to want me to meet any of his friends
i am not attached at this point, and i think i am going to start distancing myself to see how things react, and to make sure i dont get attached.

like such a bad person right now
two different people in the same day, neither of whom i really wanted to be with…
well not entirely true. i really wanted to be with the second one, but the fact that he has a girlfriend (rocky relationship or no) SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ME
god damn it.
this is why i should be celibate until i find the right person. because however much i enjoy messing around, getting into situations like this just leaves me full of regret and self loathing in the morning.

so i finally grew the balls to talk to him the other day.
basically got shut down
but it was a maybe
not a no
a not now, and a no promises for the future, and a i dont want to lead you on.
but not a no…

But im too damn scared to ask him how he feels about me.
He is sweet, thoughtful, courteous, has a great sense of humour – hes always got me laughing at something. Hes a hard worker when he can find work, which in this job market right know, hard work and dedication are nothing compared to luck. Hes smart, and has great ideas. If he had the means to fully develop his ideas… be absolutely amazing what he has the potential to do. he takes care of people, even people he doesnt really like. he shares every thing.

and, hes attractive. not the OMG male model HOT, but very nice to look at lol. fine facial structure, tall, lean and strong but not too too built, ISNT BALDING lol. so many guys ive been attracted to were…
but his looks are a secondary thing. Ive fallen for his personality, his kindness, his ideas… hes very spirtual, and very NOT religious. he sees the flaws in organized religion, and gods, etc etc.

and im 90% sure hes interested in me, as well.
Even if he isnt, im still into him. Hopefully, maybe, when we are both in a better place to be in a relationship, itll work. but for now, i am content being friends with him.

(we almost cuddled tonight) (i think)
lol
i wish i were less of a coward. but does it make sense to jeopardize a really great friendship for an admission of love, when there is no intent to act on said love?

I’ve finally found “the one”. His name is Cole fox. We met in my first semester of college. We now live together, and plan to marry!!!

I want to find a man that can take me as I am. I am tall, intelligent, prognasting as well as occasionally chatty and emotional. At the same time I am caring, imaginative and at best fun to be whit.

The most important thing would definately be to be accepted as I am.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re close, but not quite there yet? Do you ever look at your partner and think “no one’s perfect, least of all me, but surely there’s someone better suited to me?”

Childhood expectations ruin adulthood – that’s what I’m going to teach my kids. If I have any!