not burn out

biggest aim of 2007. so far so good

You know that thing about nobody ever said on their death bed that they wished they’d worked more? Well, that isn’t even remotely in play for me anymore.

There is no goram way I could have worked more.

...is to do something new every day (or so).

Today I will go to a reading. This is new. Not just the content of the reading. Me going to a reading itself is new.

I will take the bike. This is not new. But I will drive my bike a route I’ve never driven before. A new route. I’ve heard of this route yesterday and I will try it out for this occasion.

With my luck doing two new things on a single day will be so exhausting that I burn out more than ever ;-)

Or it will be so much fun that I can’t stop smiling until the upcoming weekend is over :-)

I think I’ll be heading for the smile…

I am still alive and kicking. Well, wriggling more or less since kicking would actually hurt ::giggles::

As an update:

• my husband knocked up his girlfriend and is looking to me as his escape

• my condo fees went up more than my income affords

• my back has been hurting like it has a vendetta against my body so sitting at the computer has been a literal pain

• i miss everyone

• my daughters are preteens officially in attitude (oh joy!)

• still attempting to get proper medical assistance

• car is now a debt that is more than it is worth

• the ex-friend has made paying off my other car her last priority (she is supposed to be buying it)

• three male friends I have talked to think I am ‘the one’ and won’t allow me to remain a friend but want more and are irritably insistent about it. arseholes.

but
having lamented and moaned I have had unbelievable favor

• i have a probono-divorce lawyer appointment Thursday

• funds have been pouring in from unexpected sources to cover the condo fee increase

• i am still creative and it is growing exponentially

• my kids are wonderful and healthy despite hitting puberty and acting like impish creatures

• i have had anonymous benefactors footing my doctor bills

• i have a friend who affirms and supports me

yet
I am still tired.

Forgive me that I have not kept up with 43. Chances are I lost subscribers but it is understandable. I do hope everyone is well.

Ciao for now and not sure for how long,
dragonfly

and my co-writer just left my place.
...

Talk about late work sessions.

Jeez. When I close my eyelids, I see PDF letters dancing and floating all around. I let you picture when I have my (mad, blood-injected, scary) eyes open.
And my co-writer is not doing very well with the screenplay, so I’ll have to handle it.
I just have to hang on till the 15th of may. The 15th of may, aka The Deadline of All the Deadlines. My god ! The 15th of may is like what ? tomorrow ? in an hour ? and so damn bloody many things to be done !!!!
¤screams and runs in circles, arms raised in panick¤
¤and then collapses¤

ouch.

“To allow ourselves to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence.”—Thomas Merton

And this from a Trappist Monk whose life is devoted to work, prayer and penance.

I have so much to learn.

becky and I exchanged some comments about the 4 Agreements and she said that she noticed that I don’t have “Always do my best.” The reason I left this out was that I feel like this is something that I already do, perhaps to a fault.

I say things like “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right” and that “you never know when something will really matter, so always put forth your best effort.”

So, I always do my best already… or do I? Is it doing one’s best to take on more and more responsibility and let this eat up everything else? Not that I’m failing. Though, there’s that possibility; take on so much that I can’t really succeed. This has yet to happen.

But at this point, I’m wondering what the cost is, whether the things sacrificed to do a good job, to exceed expectations, to do things “right” and to constantly live up to the potential that only a cliche virgo perfectionist ENTP can hold himself to, is this actually doing my best?

So, I go to find that part of the 4 Agreements to take it to task and what do I read? Well, here, I’ll show you.

Regardless of the quality, keep doing your best—no more and no less than your best. If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed and in the end your best will not be enough. When you overdo, you deplete your body and go against yourself, and it will take you longer to accomplish your goal.

That seems to be a pretty hard line to find, but, it was then that I started really thinking about the fact that it isn’t “doing my best” that’s really driving me, it’s the fear of disappointing others. I think doing my best is involved, but I think what drives me to take on so much and work so hard is simply that I don’t want to be a disappointment. If it were just doing my best, I’d figure out where that line was and I’d stop and tend to my battle wounds.

Now, logically, I know that what happens is that there is no end to the work a company will give you as long as you’re performing well. I try not to do this to my employees, to load up the good ones because I can trust them and we have to have the work done (if y’all are reading this, you are all good ones… I must be talking about my old job). It is my responsibility to draw the line. Not theirs. It is the nature of a corporation to exploit its resources. It is my responsibility as a sentient resource to self-preserve.

I don’t know what to make of any of that, but here are my musings all the same.

Does it mean something that I can’t get the energy together to post an entry on this one?