take more risks

the comfortable life home just makes me not so comfortable, so , i just should break the comfortable zone and find sth exciting.

I’ve booked a ballet class after years of just dreaming and there are many possibilities for looking stupid – so does that count?

My connection to the grapevine is strong at work. My company is going to start doing “voluntary furloughs” in the next pay period. Except, management has no idea what “furlough” actually means.

What they mean is: You defer your salary per a written agreement until the “current financial difficulties” have passed and you keep working full time. Now, as much as I enjoy the tasks that I do at work and I like the people I work with, my relationship with my employer is basically transactional: I need something (money) and they need something (the skills I have + the time of the practitioner of those skills).

So why does it feel so scary, the idea that the only reasonable response to this unreasonable request (seriously, is Visa going to “defer” charging me interest because I’m deferring salary?) is “You don’t pay me; I don’t work.” ?

I have left teaching. For good, most likely. I do not want to teach this
I know is not my path to follow.Now I am going to take a big risk- but what better risk is there than to follow your dreams? Not many other risks could come close or be worth it than to know you are doing something you love.

I still stay in my “comfort zone” most of the time. I’ve been trying to do new things though. By risks, I don’t mean doing something that would cause me to get hurt etc. I just need to do things that don’t follow my usual routine.

Basically, for the whole of my life I have not really taken any risks. I’ve always chose to do the easiest of the options presented to me. I have never really been out of my comfort zone.
So, I’ve made a promise to myself that I will take more risks and be flexible to any oppurtunities that may arise to me.

So, here I am again. Swooning over yet another girl, who, more than likely, has no idea how I feel, who I am, or anything like that. Its fun, huh? I seem to do this A LOT! BUT! (and notice its a big BUT there) I did something, slightly different. I actually asked her out. (I know, I was shocked too) Now before you get on the bandwagon of cheers and comments, let me disillusion you a bit. I met this girl, just over a year ago. I know because I remember the exact date. I remember the exact date because it was February 29th 2008. A day that happens only once every 4 years. (Sound like my love life, once every 4 years) {hell my sex life too ;) } I think I’ve written entries about her before. The girl called A. Well, here is how the whole thing went down. I have this crappy ass job at a game store in the local mall. Yippee for me. I went to the food court to get a drink, and on my way back, there was A. She, her mother, and her sister were looking at jewelry. (Actually it seemed like her mother and sister were looking at jewelry, she just looked… lol good.) Now, we aren’t really buddy buddy, A and I. In fact I’ve mostly seen here where she worked, cause thats the only place I knew to see her. Well long story short, we became facebook friends, texted a little music knowledge back and forth, and that was about the it. Until Sunday. Thats when I saw her. So, now you have the general backstory. She and I chatted for only a moment and I walked away. I’m a little fuzzy on who ended the conversation, cause I didn’t want to keep her from her mom and sis, so I probably looked like I wanted to go, but I think she is the one who said “see ya” first. Anyway. Before that moment, I hadn’t seen or heard from her for weeks if not months. (I’d love to say I hadn’t thought about her in that long, but you all know how maddeningly pathetic I can be) So walking back to work, I was… i guess the word is “giddy.” I saw her and I remembered all the reason I fell for her in the first place. (I could list them, but I’m infatuated, it’d be a long list, it’d be annoying, so I won’t) I get back to work, and the girl I’m working with (there are only 2 of us in the store) noticed I’m acting differently then before. So I tell her, basically what I just wrote. And her general attitude is “Shoulda asked her out, what have you got to lose?” I come home from work, and I’m dying to talk to someone about this. (But sad as my life is, I have no one to call, no one to text, no one) I get on digsby (my IMing service) and desperately look for someone to talk to. I get to talk to two people about it. 1 is my gay friend R in NYC, who is a giant drama queen, and I’m beginning to think a pathological liar. He suggests messaging her through facebook or something asking her too meet. Well the my friend C signs on. I value her opinion much more. (and not just because shes NOT a lying homo) Though, she tends to get frustrated with me. (but really, who can blame her) Her general thought is “JUST SEND THE FUCKING MESSAGE!” So I do. I wanted to agonize over it more though, analyze each word, think how better to phrase it, but ultimately, I listened to that little voice screaming through the screen and just send the fucking message. It was no grand confession of long harbored love. Nope, it was just a “Hey, it was good to see ya. I’d like to talk more. You want to get together? Heres my #.” And I’m satisfied with that. That works. (works in the sense of the message is clear, not in the sense of she sent a reply and wants to have lots of sex and babies) But really, in all honesty, I would much rather have told her what I really think. But I KNOW that without some sort of background of friendship it would sound… well… probably pretty scary. What I would want to say is this. “A, I like you. I’ve liked you from the first moment we met. Even from that first meeting I told my friends about you. I told them how I thought that you were the type of person that once you met them, you couldn’t imagine your life without them. You want to be around that person. And thats how I feel around you A. I feel like my life would be better just by being around you. I’m not saying we should marry, have kids, and love happily ever after. Romances fade. But friendships, those can last lifetimes. So as much as I do care for you, I want your friendship above all else.” ... or… ya know… something like that. But anyway, the point is… even though it was through facebook… I asked out the girl I like. And ya know what (I’m mostly talking to myself on this one) it didn’t kill me, and its not like she can talk to me less. lol, We’ll just see what happens.

I don’t take any risks at the moment so my goal really should be ‘take risks’. Any way as I am too lazy to change it, I just want to write that I will take two risks as of next semester/ end of this term. They are:
- Change courses to english and creative arts at murdoch uni (If I know that I do not want to be a primary school teacher.)

- Not worry about the future job prospects from doing another course as the whole point of changing is to be HAPPY:)

i basically want to spread my wings out into life and LIVE life but i just never seem to jump at chances that i might not ever see again…..so il try to be more free and flexible about myself. I want no regrets!

I sent a story off to an open call for submissions for an anthology. I haven’t submitted anything for publication consideration in over 10 years. While it was scary, and I know my chances of getting in are slim, sending the story off made me feel more powerful than I’ve felt in a long, long time.