be kind to my son

..I tell myself I can do better. My son is my anchor, my rock and my life. He thinks otherwise, it’s easy to see why. You see, I forget sometimes. And those moments come back to haunt me. Especially like now.

I know I’m a good mother. I just need to try harder. Must not let the secondary things distracts me. Must not let impatience and anger get in the way.

My son is everything a mother could ever want and need. Every time I look at him, I know I am blessed.

Ammar: “Ma, when I get older, do I have to get married?”

Mama: “Not really, not if you don’t want to. Why do you ask?”

Ammar: “I don’t wanna get married. If I do, I’ll have to move away. I have to get my own house.”

Mama: “You could always come and visit me.”

Ammar: “I can’t.. I don’t know how to drive!”

Mama: Laughed so hard it felt real good..

A kitten preferably. So today we went to check out this lady who were giving away kittens. But turns out she will only part with the female ones. I wasn’t too keen after that and I could see that Ammar had great difficulty handling those kittens. I talked him out of it, told him we’re better off adopting unwanted kittens from RSPCA or something. He reluctantly agreed. I know he’s heartbroken and I wanna make it up to him. Will check out the article I saw a few days ago on pet adoption. Honestly, I’m not such a big fan of pets nowadays though when I was much younger I used to bring stray cats home all the time. But I’ll do this for him coz I know it’ll make him happy.

My ex’s wife is due to give birth either today or tomorrow. I didn’t ask if they’re expecting a boy or a girl. Either way, one thing is certain, my baby is about to become a big brother.

I’ll stop here, coz I don’t quite know what to make of this. Maybe it’s nothing. Either way, I hope all will go well. And I’m happy for my ex and his wife coz they both deserve this good turn. Guess I’ll be shopping for some baby things later this evening.

It being school holiday and all, I took Ammar out for a movie. We watched The Monster House, ate too much popcorn and had a nice lunch at KRR. Before we went home, we dropped by the arcade hall and played various games and such. On the way back, Ammar wanted to stick his head out of the sun roof. I let him do it since we didn’t hit the highway yet and there wasn’t that many cars around anyway. All in all, we both had a great time.

Too bad I have class this evening and a rough draft due for my thesis. Coz I badly need a nap right now but I know it’ll have to wait. Still, I’m glad we did this. I just wished my head wasn’t thinking of 101 things waiting to get done.

Ammar found some leftover fireworks in the drawer, thanks to my Mum who’s been spring-cleaning the house. He asked if he could light them up. I thought, why not. Eid has passed for many moons now, might as well finish up the stash.

I was feeling a bit meloncholic tonight. The new moon in its crescent glow looked welcoming, the night air dry, we haven’t had rain for days. Initially he played with them one by one, but finally we “planted” them into the ground, and lit them upright. They looked like a mini runaway all lined up in a row. Ammar jumped and danced around them. They were only sprinkler fireworks, not entirely harmless but safe enough to be enjoyed within a near distance.

I watched him laugh and play, so innocent in his joy. I wonder when was the last time I felt that way. It felt too long, too many moons had passed since then, the last time I felt unbridled joy. I am not entirely miserable, but feeling happy is a concept that constantly eludes me. I’ve decided for now, it would not matter.

Tomorrow we’re going away on another weekend break. This time we’re hitting the beach in Port Dickson, some 70 miles away from here. It should be fun except for the fact that I have an exam on Sunday morning.. how sick is that. Nways, I’m sure Ammar will have lots of fun, especially since my nephews will be joining us. It’s moments like these that makes sweet memories, moments that makes life worth living.

While listening to Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day”, I asked my son, who was making up his own words to the song.

“What is a bad day?”

Ammar replied, “It’s when things go wrong.”

“Like how..?”

“When aliens come down and take your things, or destroy your house and hurt other people”.

“Hmmm…”

Puts things in perspective, at least for me. Note to self: Unless aliens come down spewing lasers, destroying buildings and crops, annihilating the human race and animals alike.. a bad day is an uderstatement, merely commentary. ;)

I lost my temper and yelled at my son tonight as I was helping him with his homework. I got even more pissed when I noticed his ruler and eraser were missing. When asked, he claimed some kids took them and did not return it back.

I got angry partly bcoz I felt like he let those kids bully him. I was angry coz I realize there’s not much a parent can do, except tell your kid on how best to stick up for himself. I got angry bcoz I was already tired by the time he remembered to check his homework and I was not in the right frame of mind due to other stuff I was worrying about.

Anyhow, the homework got done. I was still upset with him so I let him play by himself for a while. He went to watch TV in the other room and I turned on my PC to catch up with work.

By the time I checked on him, he was already fast asleep. And I was filled with so much regret, I was beginning to feel even more pissed, this time with myself.

Being kind to my son is something I am working on myself. I am capable of so much anger, sometimes it’s close to getting scary. I should know by now anger accomplishes nothing constructive. I should especially know that my son should never, ever be the target of my tantrums.

I know I could say sorry and things will get back normal. My son will forget and we’ll have fun times again sharing and laughing over things. But I know that the hurt I caused takes time to heal. I just hope I don’t become the monster I know I could be if I don’t control my temper. I am done living with the vicious cycle involving anger and regret.

I remember a story about a young man who often loses his temper. His father would hammer a nail into a plank each time his son flew into a violent rage. Eventually, the son learns to control his temper and seek his father’s forgiveness for all the hurtful things he’s done. When the father showed him all the planks with nails, the son cried in shame and regret. The son asked if he could remove all the nails as a symbol of how ashamed he was of his past behaviour. The father allowed him to do so and the son worked tirelessly pullling out each nail, one by one. By the time he was done, he happily showed his father the results. The father nodded and said, “Yes, you have taken out all the nails, but look at the holes that were left in those planks”.

The hurt caused by anger runs deep, sometimes for years. No matter how much one seeks forgiveness, sometimes the pain inflicted on others leaves behind emotional scars that take a long time to heal, if ever.

I vow to learn how to deal with my anger issues. I know every child needs discipline, but I promise to figure out how to do this (and eventually practise) without letting my temper get in the way. I know I must, coz if I don’t raise my child with kindness, I am not sure who else will.

I took him for a trial taekwondo class tonight. We almost gave up on it coz I got lost and the directions given were not that good. Plus it was located near some kind of industrial area with poor lighting. I thought it was really dodgy and was about to head home, when I finally spotted the place. Aah.. too late to turn back now.

Ammar joined the class right away for warm-up and some light exercise. He’s a good sport and made new friends right away. Eventually the class got split and he joined several beginners to learn the basics. I can see that he got distracted easily, but gamely went on learning the new moves. It’s all new to him and I saw that he got a bit frustrated when the instructor had to correct his stand, posture and punches several times.

Believe it or not, I took notes. Yeah, me the micro-managing mum. But I took martial arts back when I was in school so I thought I could help him practise later at home.

When I asked him later if he enjoyed it, he said it was OK. But he didn’t seem all that excited about it. But I think it’ll be good for him to get this exposure. I don’t expect him to be great or become a Taekwondo champ, though if he does, then it’s cool. I believe he’ll benefit from it and when the time comes, I will let him decide if he’s keen to continue on or move on to other things.

Like all parents, I think my son is special, though I am yet to figure out what he’s naturally good at (other than mastering Playstation games!). So I guess just exposing him to various things should help for now. I thought of piano lessons too, but finally decided to start with martial arts first. I’m trying hard not to pressure him too much. We’ll see how well this one goes. Wish us luck!

After 4 days, he’s finally home. He was away with the ex and they went back to his hometown. I miss him terribly, and I’m worried coz his cough has not gone away. Guess we’ll be seeing the doc again tomorrow. Hope he’s back from his Chinese New Year break already.

It feels great to have my son home. He’s currently ready for bed, watching Power Rangers a bit before then. I feel like I’ve had a sudden burst of energy, like a second wind. My world feels whole now that he’s home.