collect really bad jokes

Joe and tom work at a sawmeal, and one day joe got his arm to close to one of the saws and it got cut off. So tom took the arm put it in a bag and to the arm and joe to the hospital. The docter sews the arm back on and a couple days later tom sees joe playing tennis.
“Wow, its amzing what docters can do now a days” says tom.
A month later joe gets his leg to close to the saw and it gets cut off. So tom puts his leg in a bag and takes the leg and joe to the hospital. The docter sews his leg back on and a couple days later tom sees joe playing basketball.
“Wow its amzing what dosters can do now a days” Says Tom.
A couple months later joe gets his head t close to the saw and it gets cut off. So tom puts his head in a bag and takes joe and the head to the hospital. After a couple of days tom goes to visit joe. But when he gets to the room joe was staying in he sees that joe is not there.
“Were’s joe” Tom asks the docter.
“He died, some dumbass put his head in a bag and he suffacted”

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
“Chicken Surprise”

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

Ahh… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”

i dont do weddings/ birthdays etc

daft jokes just make me laugh

im simple like that :)

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
“Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled down by a strong currant.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.
Police think that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other “I’ll man the guns, you drive”

more….

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says “dam”

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:
“A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. 
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. 
One says to the other:  "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That 
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?", 
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
“I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,”
said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!”

you know, the ones you get in christmas crackers each year and laugh at even though they are sooo pooor